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They have been married 50+ yrs. Dad (a great provider) has declined a lot in the last few yrs (growing dementia) while Mom is active as a 50 yr old/ is very vain. She recently told us that she has not really loved Dad for yrs. Both parents have told us that their plans are their business. Dad will be crushed by Mom not moving with him. She claims she will visit him occasionally. Both are entitled to happiness/good quality care. Would appreciate any suggestions from others who may have had similar experience w/their parents in this 'ugly' situation. Dad refuses to give up pwr of attorney. THANKS in advance!!!!!!!

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There are two sides to this, for sure. Do they have any non-family members who can discuss this with them, perhaps a member of the clergy? Would your mom discuss this with a counselor? People outside of the family often get father with decisions because the family dynamic is removed. Since your parents are so far apart in health, and you mom, at least, doesn't feel it's a close marriage, your dad going on his own is an option. Ideally, they would go together. But one of both of them needs to change the way they are thinking and this may take outside help. You could try the Alzheimer's association in your community for ideas, too. Good luck. This is a very sticky issue, though not likely as unusual as it seems at first glance. Please keep us posted on your situation.
Carol
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Your dad will eventually forget who your mom is. The home he will want to go back to may not be her/his home but his parents'. So in the long run it may be better for your mom to have a few good years on her own doing the things she has always wanted to do but never had the free time. If he is going to assisted living your mom could have a place at both to stay where it seems best at the time.
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I hate to say it, but it sounds like your dad might be better off without your moms negative attitude towards him. He'll make friends at the new place, and you can soften the blow by helping him do that. And while he still has his faculties, suggest that if it isn't your mother that has power of attorney, then why not one of his children? I'm truly sorry that your mom had to lay that bomb shell on you about her feelings for your dad. He deserves better than that.
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