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She tells my brothers I told her I wish she had died instead of my dad which I never said.


She tells me my dad hated me and didnt want me around.. I was very close to my dad. I invite her to things and she tells me she isn't family anymore so she can't...I also never said this. I try to distance myself but then feel like a crappy daughter but then she attacks me and I feel worse.


What is happening and how do I go about figuring it out??

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Your mother is getting old and lonely, and she doesn’t like it. She thinks it’s your responsibility as a daughter to make things nice for her. Whatever you do won’t solve the real problem, so she gets angrier and angrier with you. Sticking knives into you, and complaining to the golden brothers, is her way to let it out. And that’s even without dementia!

Expect less, and try to stay on good terms with your brothers as insurance for the future. Could you be the perfect aunty? Postcards are a cheap and easy way to stay in touch.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Citywoman19 Aug 21, 2019
Thats exactly how i feel they r the golden boys.
I try to stay in contact with my niece and her kids and my nephew...i need family in my life
Thank u
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Citywoman, Great big hug!

Loosing a parent piece by piece is harder than all at once. It is not something that distant family can see or comprehend, to much show timing for the short phone calls leave the up close and personal family defending their observations. It is not you.

Sons have vastly different relationships with moms, they will never get it. Not part of the plan anymore than a son understanding being a daddy's girl.

I would stop trying to get them to understand, if it comes up just be glib and none committal, change the subject. You will feel better not being told it is all you.

I have always dealt with my mom from a position of expecting nothing and I am never disappointed, maybe you can start adjusting your expectations.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Citywoman19 Aug 20, 2019
Thanks. I have learned not to talk to them about my mom..just doesnt end well.
I think i will try your advice. Thanks
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Perhaps your mother is going down the dementia road and that's why she's saying off the wall things. My mother has dementia, and realizes that we all thought more of my dad than we do of her. Dad was a kind and loving man, mom, not so much. Dad passed 4 years ago and since mother was jealous of the Fact that I loved him more (in her mind), she now says very mean and nasty things about him to me all the time. Today, in fact, she told me to throw away an old photo of dad and his brother I put up in her room at the Memory Care place she lives in. She said that to hurt me, plain and simple.

When a person gets dementia, their entire personality can change and they can get very paranoid. Since you were close with your dad, she may now be feeling jealous (like my mom) of that relationship and striking out at you in retaliation. Do you notice any forgetfulness on her part or other odd behavior that may suggest dementia? Study up on the symptoms to look out for and maybe keep a log of what you see in her. It may prove useful for the future at a doctor appointment.

If dementia is behind her behavior, try not to take it personally. It's not her talking but the disease which attacks the brain and the Memory. It's hard, I know, and I limit contact with my mother because she's so difficult to deal with. And yes, I feel like a shitty daughter sometimes too, but I also have to look out for ME, as you have to do for YOU.
Best of luck
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Citywoman19 Aug 20, 2019
Bought myself a book to keep notes. Thanks great tip
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Has she seen a doctor recently? She could be suffering from a urinary tract infection and she doesn't know what she is doing.

If she is not sick, you must learn to protect yourself from her nastiness. Did you ever have a good relationship or is this the same relationship with no filters?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Citywoman19 Aug 20, 2019
She threw me out of her apartment when i mentioned seeing a doctor.
We did have a pretty good relationship. Did things together and after my dad passed i took her everywhere with me and my boys until she became rude and hateful. I try to keep my distance to protect myself...but every now and again i message her or call her to see if she will do something with me or speak to me
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Citywoman19
We often are like the moth to the flame. Even when we know something will hurt, we are still attracted.

I encourage you to pay attention to that part of you that says keep your distance.

Find a good therapist. When you feel yourself being drawn back in, call your therapist.

Since you have brothers, try to see them more often. A quick call. A lunch. Cook dinner and invite them over. Be close to your family where it’s safe to do so especially while you are trying to establish boundaries with your mom and detach.

If she believes what she is saying, she probably doesn’t need to be around you either.

If the brothers are seeing her, perhaps they will let you know how she is doing.

We don’t stop loving people who hurt us but we can learn to love ourselves enough to stay safe from harm and remain healthy.

Find a therapist this week. You need support to deal with this toxic mother.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Citywoman19 Aug 19, 2019
My brothers dont live here and dont share my feelings about my mom. They live in denial and claim she is fine and its just me that is the problem.
I do try to keep my distance but uts hard. I often feel like an only child with 2 deceased parents
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