Mom started saying Dad was back from a business trip but he is upstairs in the Asst'd Living community playing cards. Recently she has said that he is back but "like women when their men come back from war move on while their men are away, she has moved on" or last night she said she caught him kissing a woman upstairs and she wants to dye her hair and go out and have fun. She just called again and said she wants to know how to handle this. It used to be this came after sleeping but now it is in all the time. My sister tells her Dad is dead but it hurts her to find that out again.
She is getting worse with this. Too soon for real memory care as she takes care of herself and washes/cleans daily.
What should we tell her about Dad? My brother passed 3 months ago and she was barely phased.
Any help and guidance is so welcomed. Thank you.
Mom. “Dad’s upstairs with that woman.”
You. “Don’t worry mom, she’ll be letting him go. He’s too much trouble.”
Or if that would be nonvalidating to her maybe
“I’m sorry mom, I know that’s painful”. And then, “look at these darling pictures of my new grand baby”. While she may return again and again to your dad as a topic, eventually she will go on to another topic as her dementia progresses.
My aunt, 93, tells me she can’t remember her husband. He’s been gone 25 years. But she remembers her parents who’ve been gone a lot longer.
I’ve noticed that she doesn’t react to current family deaths as she used to. In fact hardly at all. She still will say things like, “when they are gone, they are gone for a long time” but the sadness isn’t there. All the emotions are dulled except annoyance when someone wants her to do something she would rather not.
Do remember that UTIs can cause dementia symptoms to increase. That’s the first thing I check on when my aunts behavior changes.
Sometimes, a person suffering from dementia forgets that a spouse or other loved one has died. They may ask where the person is, or insist that they want to visit them. For the person with dementia, being told that this person is dead can be like hearing it for the first time, along with all the grief that comes with it.
When this happens, should you tell your loved one the truth, or should you protect them from the pain?
First, you will need to gauge your loved one’s ability to remember. If your loved one does not remember what you share about the deceased person from visit to visit, you may be able to use a memory or a story about the person to explain their absence in a way that satisfies your loved one’s curiosity, but yet does not upset them. It may be hard not to think of this approach like lying, but your loved one’s reality is much different from yours. If you can try to understand their reality first, perhaps it will help you let go of the guilt you feel from not telling them the cold, hard truth. It may be what’s necessary to bring them comfort.
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There is another link with lots more info that you may find useful:
https://thewomensalzheimersmovement.org/surviving-alzheimers-paula-spencer-scott/
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Personally, I don't see the value in reminding your mother that your dad has died.............it's like new information for her to process over and over and OVER again, and it can be too much! If it were my mother insisting dad was still around, I'd just go along with her and try to divert her onto a new subject. If, however, your mother starts becoming agitated over your father's 'shenanigans' with 'other women' and things of that nature, it may be time to call her doctor for ideas or perhaps a prescription. You may have to take a 'wait and see' approach here.
Best of luck!!