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He is in pain as I am is caretaker and can tell when he is in pain. I want him to be on hospice, he has been in and out of the hospital for 3 weeks now, and yesterday developed olive green fluid coming out of his J tube stoma. doc told me to stop the continuous feeding and he will come to the house this am and see him. i need to put him on hospice, and have no problem contacting them except for my mother who is his first guardian. It's been a year since he has rapidly been advancing thru the stages of alzheimers. Mom, now, is not in the right state of mind, and with me being a medical assistant, i feel i should take charge and make the right decision. It stated in his will, no means of artificial devices or anything to sustain his life. My health is slowly going down hill as well, how can i take care of dad if i am not well? Does anyone agree with me......?

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How did he get a feeding tube to start with? Lord in holy heaven.

I am flummoxed by the idea that ANYONE would put in a feeding tube on a person with late-stage Alzheimer's. Yeah, I already know I'm going to get beat up for this post.

Please. Please! Let the poor man go. Just because "we can" doesn't mean "we should". Be strong enough to face off with your mom if that's what you need to do to get him on hospice. Let the doctor know that's what you want privately, and let him introduce it to your mom.

I'm sorry, but this is just so wrong.
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A feeding tube in contraindicated if the person has papers stating that they do not want any life prolonging measures taken. A j-tube is a life prolonging measure.

Advocate on behalf of your dad. This isn't what he would want.
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OF COURSE the doctor and all medical staff Dad comes in contact with should know the contents of his healthcare directive. If not, what was the purpose of creating one? If the directive names you and the first agent, that is, the person who may speak on his behalf, then that is your responsibility.

When you say your mother is is "guardian" do you mean she has gone through a court hearing and been appointed officially to the role of guardian, or that she is his first agent as POA?

Mom should be glad you are the healthcare proxy. That relieves her of more responsibility. It is your decision, not hers.
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no she didnt got to court, they made the will before he was diagnosed. she is the first agent as POA, i am the second, but it states i am to make the medical decisions. I will bring the will to the hospital today without her knowing, and show the doctors so they have it on file. I know i will catch h*ll for it, but, if i can give him is last wish, i feel i have done my job as a good daughter. i asked her if he has an advanced directive because the hospital wants a copy of it, and she said yes, but she doesnt want the hospital to see it....I am 49 years old and she has always bossed me around, but when it comes to my dad, this man would do anything for anyone. The kindest, loving man i know.....wish me luck,, thanks for listening to me vent,,,i truly appreciate everyone's comments...xoxo
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When you say your mother is not in the right state of mind, do you mean that she has dementia? Or that she's just not making good decisions? Have to doctor talk to her when s/he comes this morning. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If he has advance directives, the doctor should be attending to that; why did they do a feeding tube? Isn't that artificially prolonging? Talk to the doctor; let us know what happens. good thoughts!
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Twinlaura I am SO sorry you are having to go through this with such little support. Your mom just can't handle the decisions that have to be made now for your dad. I agree with Eyerishlass, do what you can for your dad. If he has written advance directives, get those out and show them to the doctor. We're here for you - you don't want to let this take you down too. Please keep us posted...you are doing the right thing for your dad...I'm sorry you aren't getting support from your siblings.
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AGREE with you!! Do what is in dad's best interest and don't look back. Take the AMD a and POA with you to the hospital and enlist drs and care teams help in carrying out dads wishes and helping your mom accept dads wishes.

Call in palliative care team to talk with dad privately and then talk with you and mom. Just cause they talk with you doesn't mean you have to go thru with it and they can work with mom.

Mom is not guardian, legally, but she is the spouse and that may trump you as second on POA depending on how it is written...the attorney who drew it up should be able to explain it it to you and you could confidentially call him and ask.

I know, I let my mom boss my brother and I around like we were children in dads last days and she was exhausted and I wished I had had the guts to step in sooner. I finally did, and we got a nurse in home but dad passed in 24 hrs.

From my experience, go with your instincts and get palliative care or hospice for dad. Mom will resent you at first, but will thank you after a few days when she gets to be a loving wife in his last days vs caregiver.
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eyerishlash and maggie if i show the doc the advanced directive, will it change the situation. It definetely states NO MEANS of prolonged life due to artificial means. i need to know.. she is the guardian, but i am the guardian of his health in his will.. plz let me know aspa thank you, I can't watch him suffer anylonger, it is killing me...
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It's time to call Hospice if there is nothing to be done, according to the hospital. Let your siblings argue with the hospital if they think there is more to be done that is curative. Laura, you're going to have to stand up for what your dad wants and it's not going to be eady. But it will allow you to sleep better at night.
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i totally agree maggie, my made the decision do to her get all worked up and yelling a him to eat, so she dicided to put a feeding tube in so the responsibility does not have to fall on her... She is so selfish, the man has been thru h*ll.
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