Dad moved in after mom died a year ago. It has been 6 months. we are all adjusting. He has his own living space (living room, bed and bath). I make dinner each night (he eats with us) and do the food shopping. He doesn't pay rent (I didn't ask and its OK). He is ambulatory albeit he wants a knee replacement next month.
Mom did everything at home. He provided OK and did all the repair things but the household mom did it all.
My issues is I told him he has to do his laundry (he does), care for his dog, make his own appointments and do his own entertainment. It is as though he lives on his own. I didn't want to become my mother and do it all for him which he would gladly have done. I do watch his finances but when he is low he is on his own (I have given hm some money here and there). He has to pay his own bills. Major guilt set in the first few months. Don't know why. It is starting to lift a bit.
I sometimes feel like I am being too tough on him but I feel it is what I have to do. He lost his mom at 14 and the whole family raised him to the point he is glad for someone to do things for him and he doesn't say thanks. He will do pretty much anything for anyone so that is a good thing.
He is hell bent on getting his knee done and I have to care for him. I am being standoffish about it because I know once he gets it done I will be the nursemaid. He he talks with my sister and he stretches it out that he is in so much pain (she is a nurse) so she will pity him and tell him he has to do this (she is 8 hours away and does not visit him here he has to go there).
Am I being too tough on him being aloof about it? I do not ignore him but I work at home and need my work time. We talk and have dinner together but I need my time with my wife and my friends. I was taking him to my friends for parties but that gets kind of weird. I need my friend time too.I am trying to get him socialized but I understand it is hard on him but yet I don't want to become his so everything. Where is the line I have to draw? We were invited to my friends house for a game this weekend but I don't want to take him as again its weird partying with your father. If there is a picnic with other older folks I gladly take him with us. I have lots of guilt about this, I am told not to but I do.
The whole knee replacement issues is getting to me, he hyper focuses on it. He figured me out finally after all these years, if I don't say anything the answer is no. So when he asks me about the surgery I remain quiet. I want him to understand I will help him but he has to meet me half way. I will not coddle him, he will have to get up and get around and do what the Dr says. He is planning on being in bed for months and I know he has to be up in days and moving and doing PT. My issues is I will be stuck in the house and be his nurse. I wont make him do anything unsafe but he has to be ready to take this on and be a big boy about it. I don't do bedside manner unless it is my wife or daughters then I do everything, it is the EMT in me. with me it's get up do your PT and move on. So why am I feeling so guilty?