I brought my dad, who is 75 with CHF, diabetes, PVD, statis uclers, and a right leg amputee, home with me to be his primary caregiver so he would not have to go into a nursing home. I did this because I love him even though most of my life I have had to pursue him in order to have any kind of a relationship with him. He left in the middle of the night when I was 11 and can honestly say that is one big reason why I never got married.

When he lived at his own apartment, he never took care of himself and this is why he kept getting staph infections and ulcers. He did not take his medication properly and basically has been a depressed person most of his life.......probably due to the fact that he has had a lot of difficulties.

I will be putting him back into a nursing home but I do not want to stay in this area (it is very rural and I am used to the suburbs and cities). I know deep in my heart I have to let go because their is only so much disrespect and emotional abuse one can put up with before they finally realize that it is time to get a life of their own and I do not have a problem letting him go. No matter what he does or how he treats me, I still love him and want the best for him but as a 40 year old adult woman, I know I am not responsible for his depression, his anger, and his negative attitude, even though he frequently takes it out on me. I am tired of hearing excuses from my family for his behavior. They state he is insulting because he feels guilty about me taking care of him. I am sorry but I do not buy that argument. It is time for me to set healthy boundaries for my life and pursue the things that I need, namely respect from someone who loves me.

Unfortunately I am coming by that little and little these days. Any encouragement or comments I would greatly appreciate. Please help in any way you can.


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Thank you Jean, Madge, and Joan for your responses and thanks for the encouragement......Lord knows I need it.

Many years ago when I was in my early 20's, my mother who is a RN, took her own mother in to care for her. I helped as much as I could but it took a toll on our relationship because we no longer speak. She did it for 7 grandmother had dementia. It was very difficult especially when strangers would judge us when we got impatient with her. Sometimes it truly seemed as though she were doing things on purpose just to get us mad and aggravate us. I have many recollections of that time and that is why I felt compelled to take my dad into my home but I know he abuses my kindness and all I wanted to do was make him comfortable and happy in the last time of his life but obviously that is not working because he takes advantage of that and does not seem to have a conscience about his severe insults.

I know he is lucid and knows what he is doing but I also know he has many chronic illnesses and I am quite certain that LTC is the route to go because it is just too much for me. If he would just comply and cooperate with me and respect me it may work, but he will not and yes, he probably is being early onset dementia.

I appreciate this forum and speaking with others is definitely supportive and helpful, especially when you have no one else around.

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((((((hugs)))))) you are doing the right thing. There are no excuses for insulting you. He is very fortunate that you still care and are looking out for his welfare. Do maintain the healthy boundaries. I have a narcissistic emotionally abusive mother and have to do the same. I have very little contact with her. She is well cared for in an AlF, and I will do what is necessary to see she gets care - from others.

Well done. Keep in touch and share more if you need more encouragement - Joan
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I believe those relatives who are making the excuses should step up and help out. Maybe they would get a real view of what is going on.

I have learned from my own experiences, people like your father, my mother and father, and many others are just difficult people and always have been. They are selfish and narcissistic for whatever reason or excuse they choose to come up with.They will not change. You have to set boundaries.

I feel sorry for you. You say you love your father in spite of the lack of love and the lack of a relationship you two had. But do you really love the relationship you wish you had but do not have. When my father died, I had no relationship to speak of with him. He was verbally abusive my entire life. When he died, I realized I did not love him, just as he did not love me. It takes some courage to admit that a parent loves himself/herself more than their child. Many would be much better off realizing there are people out there who are not capable of loving anyone as much as they love themselves.

Remember, your father is responsible for his behavior and no one else's. He chooses to do what he does. Love yourself and set the boundaries.
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Your plan to give up the day-to-day hands-on caregiving makes perfect sense. Continue to advocate for him, try to see that he gets excellent care, but move on with your life.

Do the family members who keep making excuses for him live in the area? They can take up the slack of visiting him when you move, or not. That, too, is not your responsibility.

You seem to have a healthy understanding of the situation. Best of luck to you.
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