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Hello, I'm one of children born to my mother and father. They've been married for over 65 years. I'm the youngest. Mom has Lewy Body Dementia. I'm her health care proxy. I'm her "go to person" for everything. It's been 7 years since she was first diagnosed. To a great extent she is in bed or in her wheelchair. I am still able to lift her up onto her walker. I walk her up and down the hall. Sadly, she moans a lot. I believe it's because she has spinal scoliosis. It took me 3 YEARS to find an "angel of a aide." She cares for Mom Tues-Sat for 12 hours. Fortunately, with Melatonin mom sleeps for most of the night. I care for Mom on Sunday & Monday for 12 hours too. Haven't been able to find a competent aide for those days. Siblings won't step up. They just don't have what it takes! They visit once a week and if Mom needs something they buy it for her.
I'm pretty exhausted. For awhile now I've been suspicious of my dad touching my Mom inappropriately. You can only imagine how this is taking a toll on me. Last night, after I put her to bed, she had a "lucid moment" and said "don't let that old man touch you, be careful." I felt soooo sad having to leave her with him. I could hardly sleep last night, had to take a pill. If someone is incapable of giving consent than this is sexual abuse. I don't have much income but I may have to have a nanny can installed. However, if I am right then what? I don't want to put her in a facility. My only option would be to take her home with me. I barely have a life as it is. Ugh...what a mess😔

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I had a UTI once. I'm not old-old, I clean myself appropriately, I try to keep adequately hydrated, and I am not sexually active. While sex can introduce the bacteria that causes UTIs, plenty of members here can give you example after example where the people getting UTIs haven't had sex for years. Sex is only one of the ways bacteria can enter the area.

And if your mother and dad are engaging in sex, the real question is whether she says "no" and he persists.

Tell us what the cam shows. I hope (for everyone's sake) that your suspicions are groundless. And I understand why you want to find out.
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My suspicions got aroused when my mom kept getting UTI's even tho the aide and I are on top of keeping her clean. Also, when she told me to be care...I was shocked because she hasn't said a complete sentence in almost over a year. I'm going to place the cam..and let the facts speak for themselves. If indeed something is happening, I need to take care of her. This is an extremely delicate matter, I love them both very much.
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I wish you the best, too. How wonderful that you can advocate for your mom.

You don't think this is her dementia talking, but that is pretty hard to be sure of. Delusions can seem very real, and delusions are common in LBD. "That man" she is warning you about may not be your father, but an imaginary person. Or she may have consented to or even initiated intimate contact, and then got it all confused in her mind.

What has had you suspicious of your dad even before mother gave you her warning?

I hope the nanny cam gives you some answers.
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Melimar, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. 💝
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Thank you Sue888, and thank you for your response.
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Good luck Melimar! Your parents are lucky to have you watching out for them.
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I am working on getting a nanny cam installed. Don't think it's her dementia talking. I've been suspicious of this for a while now. He has never been abusive. Yesterday, I left them alone for half an hour while I went to buy something. When I got back, her mood had changed. Nothing new, it happens so often. After I put her to bed, cleaned and changed her. She said,"Be careful, that old man is fresh, don't let him touch you." I almost cried because my mom hasn't said a complete sentence in the last 6 months.It broke my heart to leave but I had to go home. I know he adores her and I think he may think this behavior is fine betw husband and wife. Every morning as soon as he rises he comes over to her and kisses her a few times. She is so happy to see him and she kisses him right back. If the nanny cam proves that this is indeed happening. I am going to confront him. I'll let him know that HE IS NEVER TO TOUCH HER LIKE THAT AGAIN. I let him know that if he thinks this is fine betw husband and wife it is NOT when the wife is not aware/or consenting of such actions. I'll put my foot down and lay down THE LAW. If he does it again, then I will have to take more serious action.
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I would start with a Nanny Cam and see what is happening. It may just be her dementia talking. Does your dad have dementia? Have you talked to him about it? Was he an abusive husband in the past? If your suspicions are correct have a social worker talk to him. Maybe HE needs to be moved from the house into an independent living facility.
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