Follow
Share

My Mom, his wife passed a month ago and he has lost everything from money to keys and now important things that he hides and cannot remember where her puts them. What can I say to him to help him with this problem?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Need to follow. Looks like it just started up again after 2013??? Good topic
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am 60 and show no signs of dementia except in the way you describe here. I do not hide thiings but I forget where I put things and when I cannot find them I start thinking someone took them. Someone I know such as a friend that cme over recently or my husband etc. yes I am also very forgetful. I was on the borderline for mild cognitive impairment diagnosed through memory testing at age 50. I should be tested now for dementia because I am sure I am in the early stages. But why? The drugs they have for it are not very useful in most patients. Having the diagnosis would send me into a deeper depression. Right now I am serving others and at least I am conscious that my behavior is off and I can say stop it no one is taking anything from you its your mind and its off its beam right now so get a grip lol! Besides I pray and practice my faith and God is good!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mom has accused us of taking things..once even her tp.She said there was a cleaning woman stealing her stuff at her last apt.She never had a cleaning woman....I did steal the lighter and matches I found while unpacking her stuff.I really don't want her burning my house down..she has dementia,btw.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Even the lower cost nanny cams can be set to motion activated, meaning if they are only recording when someone is moving nearby, there wouldn't be so much to review. Of course you can't leave it to run for days, you should be reviewing it in fast forward daily.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I reassure mom that she probably misplaced it (whatever "it" is). When she denies the horrible accusation and swears that she ALWAYS puts it "xyz", I remind her that she is human just like everyone else. I make sure that I remind her of things that I have misplaced many things as well then we go about searching for it. She calms down almost immediately. Mom is a great hider though. I still haven't found several lost items.

I like the idea of a nanny cam but I don't know how much time one would have to invest in looking at the footage attempting to find something.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Well, before we go all out in thousands of different directions, mom was sick for some time with cancer, did you see this behaviour then? She is gone only a month! He could be doubled over with grief. If you have not done so already, get the POAs, wills, etc in order now while you can. He could be so distraught that he can think straight, it is hard for you dealing with your own loss, it is a great loss for him and you no matter how much you thought you were prepared for it, depression mimics dementia. Get him to the geriatrician, you don't say how old he is. At least get him to primary care doctor for some help and take it from there, it is again up to you to stand up and take care now of him, if you choose to that is.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Brain energy deprivation is behind most dementia symptons.

There are two nutraceutical supplements that improve brain energy , that between other supplements , in an empirical way , without none scientific foundation m together , are working to control delusions, hallucinations, agitation, agressiviness , of my aunt with advanced dementa.

1) Is the well known extra virgin coconut oil (1TEA SPOON three times a day after maiin meals .

2) GLUCOSAMINE SULFATE - Yes , the so called "joint supplement ," made from crustaceans shells , enhances mitochondrial function and works , in an empirical way , to improve brain energy.We are giving doses of 300 miligrams of glucosamine sulfate 4 to 5 times a day with meals.

But ONLY THE PHYSICIAN OF THE PATIENT, can prescribes and gives permision to gives the food supplements above.

With my aunt the food supplemts above control the "mad" behavior , exactly two hours of the doses of glucosamine sulfate;

But this is only an anedoctal report.
Only the physician of the patient can prescribes any medicine drug or food supplement;
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What igloo brings up is an important point. If your patient, elder, is really adamant about the stealing that could likely excelerate and you could find yourself accused if they have access to a phone and have the wherewithal to report you. So, by contacting someone at the police department followed by someone at Adult Protective Services, you can get it on record a head of time that you are distraught by their behavior and you are seeking guidance. You may as well do this because if your senior is so inclined and even says such to their doctor, the doctor may feel inclined to report you, even if they know better. Think of it as a preemptive "reporting yourself" so to speak.

This approach every port into the police and APS would be affected if your patient is inclined to accuse you or anyone else of anything, stealing possessions, or money, taking your food or clothes or even hitting them. I really believe all of it comes from not only their inability to reason any thing through but also, unlike a two year old child is growing and learning, they do have an inner awareness that they used to know something and now they don't, which is very frustrating. Rather and believe or understand that it's something within them, they're blaming what comes from without and since you tend to be the one with the most of the time, they WILL remember to blame you. One of the VERY interesting things about dementia is that the patient can often begin to remember things that are repetitive, though I often they remember them in a convoluted way.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Don’t argue with him reality. Doing so is like holding a book in your hand and
insisting it’s an apple; it will only frighten and confuse.
Remember that you don’t have to agree or disagree. You can simply validate
the person’s feelings. Many families find that calmly using a chosen phrase
works well: A daughter might say, “I’m listening, Dad”. This will assure him and offer to help him locate them. Look in areas that are the furthest from your mind example you may find his favorite watch in the sugar bowl. Or they put the keys in the back of the toilet. I hope this helps.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

all you can do is find their various hiding places. theres only so many places you can hide stuff. ive been accused of kidnapping my mother for two nights in a row ( taking her for a country drive ) and lying to her when in tell her it isnt morning yet. yup, shes getting nuttier'n squirrel turds..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You failed to mention if your father has a memory problem such as Dementia or Alzheimer's or if this condition has just manifested itself since your mother's death.

Your father's behavior is EXACTLY what my mother does. Today she was screaming because she wanted her checkbook, I told her that her checkbook (copy) was in her purse, however her purse was not where it normally sits, so more screaming ensued. She was yelling that my sister or I must have moved it, that we take everything of hers and never put it back. I walked to her bedroom and before I reached the door I saw her purse on her dresser and said, "Mom here it is!" You would have thought that would be the end of it but it continued until we just gave up and walked away ignoring her.

I know ignoring someone sounds cruel but sometimes it is the only thing you can do, shut your mouth, do not argue, and walk away. You will stop the arguing or their yelling and you will save your sanity and the sanity of others in the household as well.

I tried for a very long time to try to EXPLAIN everything to Mom, it does not work!
It is impossible to reason or explain anything to a person with Dementia or Alzheimer's....they do not understand or accept your explanation. What they do is become very angry and yell at you or the situation.

I too watch my Mom like a spy, sneaking around watching what she does with money, does she really take her medications and eye drops, pull sugar out of the refrigerator and milk out of the cupboard. I make sure the water is turned off when she waters plants and the pot on the stove is turned off before it runs dry and I make sure the dog is fed twice a day rather than 35 times a day.

My mother seemed fine before my Dad died in 2006, my father however told us that she was losing her memory, we hadn't noticed. After Dad died then Mom's behavior was more pronounced and she refused to leave the house or join in life again. She married at 18 and was married for 60 years, so with Dad's passing she felt that her life was over and nothing we did or do makes any difference.

I know you love your father dearly but if he has Dementia or Alzheimer's the only thing you can do is what we have all mentioned here. Love him and know that you are doing the best you can, forgive him when he hurts your feelings and always realize it is the illness talking.

I began seeing a therapist who helps me with some of the issues that arise when caring for a parent and I have found it to be the best thing ever!

God Bless You and your Father on this journey!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

OMG - it's never ending with my mom! One thing that worked for a while was I got her small safe ($65 at Seas or Home Depot I think) and she liked it and out everything in it, so she always knew where to find it. Unfortunately, she once left it open and now doesn't trust it bc "somebody opened it." Interesting that she doesn't forget that! I am thinking of getting a nanny cam to see where she hides things.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Remain calm with him (difficult to do but pull together all your inner strength) and tell him that he has probably misplaced his things.

Encourage him to keep a small pocket notebook & write down the things he might want to "hide", with the location where item was put. We did this w/my parents when they started this behavior & it helped some.

Are there any other family members who can physically be present with you on an occasion and talk with your dad too? Dad got extremely volatile & combative like this last summer; a dear cousin came over and her presence and calmness helped enormously.

ALSO: depending on where you live, can you perhaps look into the social services that are available--our NW Chicago suburb has lots of them; we contacted village hall & they helped lead the way. Google Catholic Charities--they help everybody; they are wonderful; they are everywhere. Truly!

WIshing you a good outcome & stay strong! You are not alone!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ladyg - carolynn's answer is spot-on.

I'd like to add that whatever is happening now is going to only get more intense and entrenched. He is going to probably get mean on all this. What you need to be on the watch for is that he starts to call the police and accuse others of stealing. He will accuse you and it could get ugly. If he seems rather competent and cognitive, the po-po will tend to assume he is correct in his claim. Then elder abuse gets the police report and you have a issue. If dad seems this type, you do well to contact your police dept community based services department. You can meet with them as dad DPOA so that they have a notation of dad's dementia so it comes up to match the address if dad makes a police call.

Do you have any idea what type of dementia dad has? My mom has Lewy Body Dementia and those with Lewy seem incredible cognitive for a long, long time although they are bat-shi** demented. For my mom, when she was still living in her home, it was the mailman and the garbage guys who were stealing from her. The garbage guys she called and filed a report on. When mom moved into IL, she was always getting robbed and was adamant it was real. She would remove the batteries from flashlights (and there were many attached to the doorknobs) and hide stuff in there. I found out only when she went on rant about the flashlights not working and presto......jewelry, keys, watches. She refused to believe she had done it too. You cannot win these situtations. Their dementia does not allow for rational thought.

and yes medication can help. When my mom was in IL and decided she didn't want to take her med's, there would be an "theft" about 4 -5 days later as her medications level would get wacky. So if dad is on med's, you may have to do a frequent count to make sure he is taking them on schedule.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your profile page says you're taking care of your mom and primary condition is cancer. So, now are you taking care of dad? His behavior sounds like to mention. It's pretty common for dementia patient to forget where they put things, hide things and not be able to find them again, send their paranoia allows them to believe someone has stolen from them. The only thing you can do is be a lurker, clandestinely pay attention to his hiding places and then "help him look" for his missing items, miraculously finding them. He may still insist someone has stolen them, in which case you just casually say that you get somebody put them back. It does no good to argue with a dementia patient, their reasoning ability is pretty much shot the further along the disease progresses. If this is new behavior on your dads part, you should be getting a medical check where they're probably order some blood tests. If all the physical causes are eliminated, he might be sent for a neuro psych evaluation. Before you do any of that, if he's able to understand hat he's signing, make sure you get your health power of attorney and general power of attorney and place. Also his trust if he has property or investments.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.