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How do I handle this. I am 60 years old and diabetic and my husband is 63 with issues of his own. We are so tired. My dad is a 90 year old. He NEVER stops talking. He keeps repeating the same questions and stories over and over.

He is demanding. No matter what idea he has, he wants to do it, say it, get it NOW. It borders on abuse. He is also very mobile and will invade your space no matter what you do. I've had to close and lock a door to the 2nd floor to make sure he does not enter while we are sleep.

We have found that our ENTIRE life is drawn around him. If we don't immediately stop what we are doing, he will threaten to move out. I know realistically this can't happen. He has alzheimer's.

I have guiltily thought about putting him into a home. I am not sure how to handle this. I am afraid the stress is going to ruin my health.

Another layer to this is that He abandon my mom and my siblings when I was 14 (I'm the oldest) and never tried to call us. I found him 12 years ago and we reunited. Over the last 12 years we saw his decline and my husband and I decided that the moral thing to do was to take care of dad. Much of his ramblings are regarding his 2nd wife, his step daughter, what my mom supposedly did wrong, etc. This is mentally devastating to me.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. He is kind at times. But we are exhausted. At least he is sleeping through the night - the doctor gave him sleeping pills. But I'm afraid his like a spoiled child that is draining all of our energy and our time.

What to do?

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CarolAnn, as a caregiver whose mother did in fact 'run away' (flew back to her home & demented sister 3000 miles away); a word of caution. Get his identification such as driver's license/passport and lock them away. Might want to put a tracking device on him. At least have a pair of unwashed underwear double plastic bagged in the freezer for the scent-hounds to sniff prior to hunting him down. My mother packed her raincoat pockets full of mixed nuts (lots of humor in that) and tried to door-dash out the facility's back door. She repeatedly struck the staff member that got in the way of her escape. If they do manage to get out in the neighborhood, they are hard to find because they don't follow any logic in where they wander. Just a thought.
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As far as the travelling is concerned that is merely a bullying tactic so just go along with it. Ask him which air line? Does he have the money for the air fare? What is he going to do when he gets there? How is he going to manage with a foreign language.
i realize you feel love for your father but he has not shown too much love for you over the years. Don't let the guilt overtake your decisions. It does not really matter where you arrange for dad to live you will have done the best you can for him. You are not trained to care for someone as active as dad that is what professionals are for. So become a team with your husband and make the necessary arrangement for Dad it is the loving thing to do.
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At 60 and 63, with your own health concerns, you need respite. Well, actually at any age even in perfect health, you need respite. A facility where you can visit would give you that, or maybe there is an actual respite program. Either one would give you more of a chance to be a daughter and not a harried custodian. Sometimes love does not mean you can provide care even 16 hours a day every day. Please don't let guilt make the decisions for you. Your marriage and your life counts too. He may not be able to address in any reasoning way why he abandoned his first family or acknowledge that, given the severity of the dementia you are describing at this point...he probably has guilt himself and has to cover it up with a lot of blaming and ruminating...that has got to be emotionally difficult too, and kudos to you for facing it head on for yourself.
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Speaking only to the issue of wanting to travel, I'd play into the delusion by getting travel information and giving it to him, suggesting he plan his itinerary. Even though it's dishonest, you could tell him you'll investigate trips, then tell him they're all booked up for some time but he's on the waiting list. Maybe that will satisfy him.

It also might be the opening to get a placement for him. Pretend he's going to Japan or Canada, have him pack his bags, and take him to a facility for permanent care. You can tell him that you won't be able to visit him as often while he's "on vacation", giving yourself an out and opportunity for respite.

Sure, it's dishonest, but look what he's put you through, and finding a good place for him is probably the best thing you can do for him as well as you and your family.

On the issue of abandonment, I personally would find it difficult to endure as much as you've put up with if someone left me and also praised a second wife while backstabbing my mother. And frankly, I don't think you'd be out of line to raise the abandonment issue and point out how devastating it was to your family, and that you're not interested in hearing how great his second wife was.

In fact, where ARE the second wife and stepdaughter now that he needs help?
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If he is Medicaid, call his social worker about getting him placed ASAP.
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At this rate, he will outlive you. That is what happened in my family. Help him get into a facility, where they are trained to deal with ALZ. He may very well wander away from your home.

I am 61, mother is 96 and very healthy at her NH.
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With your history with dear ole dad I don't see how you feel you owe him lifetime care. And this ain't gonna get nothing but worse as he declines. He needs to be in a facility nd you need to get a life other than carding for the jerk who abandoned you as a child.
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