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My 80 year old father had a serious stroke over a year ago. Lost is license and since as lost the will to live...wants to die, gone off his food, don't want to take his medications and just sleeps in is recliner all day cart be bothered to get into bed...says he's chocking and cannot breath and keeps saying he's going to die in pain? I have no idea what he's talking about had the doctor out many times to no avail...I know he's depressed over not driving but honestly he couldn't drive any way...do as I can to please him I find it in possible to cheer him up its very draining on my mental health and don't know really what I can do to please him...any advise would be appreciated. ... Michael

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I am going through it too. Mom can barely walk with a walker, has had multiple falls, pain from severe arthritis, and now vascular dementia. She always talks about wanting to die and one day I lost it and said guess what, I want to die too, but we don't get to choose when we go. That actually stopped her for a little while!

She refuses to get any help for depression and I can't force her. All I can do is try to redirect her. This is all so hard. Wish I could help.
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Many thanks ill use some of your suggestions and see if they might cheer him up alittle...hes on antidepressants but having little effect on him...thankyou again for your kind words and hope your mums doing ok...best wishes
Michael
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Hi Michael
Have you had a swallow evaluation for him? Ask the dr. This can be done in your home. Does your dad have any old friends who could come over and visit him? Sometimes the unexpected appearance of someone from the past can sort of shock them to rally a bit. Does he get out at all? I noticed you said the dr comes by. Is he able to go to the barber shop? Just to take a drive can be rejuvenating. Or to sit outdoors if it isn't too hot. You can try music and/or aroma therapy. You can ask the dr to prescribe physical or occupational therapy. I am constantly amazed at the improvements brought about by a little movement. You didn't mention how his stroke affected him but stretching and moving his limbs can feel good. Ask about anxiety meds. His feelings of not being able to breathe might be anxiety. Sometimes just changing the view can help. Move his recliner to a different spot in the room. He probably won't like this but anger is a step above depression on the emotional scale. If he has no reaction then ask his dr to try a different antidepressant. Does he watch tv? Maybe there are old comedy movies that you could put on and watch with him. He needs to " forget " himself. And if these things don't help him, they might help you. And one last thought, depression can lift all on it's own. In fact I've read that happens at about the same rate as talk therapy helps. It sounds like you are doing a great job caring for him. Little steps can build upon themselves to brighten his spirits. You might try reading a chapter from a book to him everyday. Don't expect a big reaction. Just sit with him and read it. Then go about your business. He's too young to give up.
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Yes its very frustrating ive thought of everything to cheer him up but at the moment no joy.... you have got to be careful that it doesn't get you down even get you depressed..best of luck to you and take care..
Michael
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My 88 year old Mom is the same. Wants to die, is tired of this already, etc.etc. thing is, she has dementia and several other health issues. Just sit's on the couch all day. Her sleep is intermittent and he has severe mobility issues. Won't engage much at all. Answers every question with I don't care or just quit bugging me. I have accepted the fact that I've lost who she was and actually pray the she dies peacefully in her sleep because I honestly believe she no longer wants to live like this.
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Yes I totally agree with you..thankyou its very sad but they are the only one that can change there situation. ...
Take care
Michael
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nothing you can do. My Mother is only 74 with very little health issues ( although she comes up with many illnesses in her head and every bruise is the beginning of the end for her ) she has 5 living children 25 plus grand and great grandchildren and she chooses to sit in her apartment and feel pity for herself instead of living. If she could, she would go live in a nursing home to be waited on hand and foot but shes nowhere near needing that. I give up. you can NOT make someone happy only they can, but its SAD to have a living breathing parent who seems to care less about anyone around her other than herself. Its like a death in the family but that person is still alive and breathing......
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Thankyou so much..hes been on antidepressants for some time now but to be honest hasn't made any difference probably sleeps alittle better..I appreciate your comments so thankyou.. hes well looked after and clean and I can do no more for him...I never realised old age could be so cruel every one else just died heart attack/strokes no pain...its so sad to see some one you love and known for so long lose the will to live I respect all of you carers out there bless you all.
Michael
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Acceptance.

I have accepted that my inlaws are never going to be their old selves ever again. The best I can hope for is that they're content. They are safe, clean, well fed, surrounded by their peers, and activities day and night. I have done all I can to help them maintain their dignity and independence. They have to help themselves as does your dad.

You cannot live you dad's life for him. Working on acceptance will help your mental health tremendously.
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If he is mentally competent there may not be a lot you can do. Have you tried anti depressants? You can't talk someone out of depression. My mom had loads of health problems and depression and I know she is just hanging on to watch over my dad who has dementia. When he dies or has to go to memory care I don't expect her to live much longer. She will probably just shut down as her quality of life is practically nonexistent.
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