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Hi everyone. My mom and dad are in their early 80s. I moved home to help with my dad when he began having issues falling after a stroke. Unfortunately, he and I never got along. I love him, I do. But I lived in a world growing up where nothing you did was ever good enough. My siblings and mother lived in complete fear of his controlling, angry ways. The expectations were perfection. And that's what everyone delivered. Everyone in my family is very smart, never outwardly struggled with any of this. They just did what was expected and are all now very successful. Except me. I rebelled. I had suicide attempts, ran away from home repeatedly, developed anxiety, I was officially the "rebel." Now, all these years later, I'm 47 and trying my best to forgive and offer genuine help. But he is, in some ways, worse then ever. AKA if you are watching tv, he likely will change it to what he wants to watch. He has a strict routine which he follows, always, no matter what. He expects you to follow it too. Everyone to follow it too. Sadly, he had a stroke and can't speak. But that's because he refused all therapy and help. He drives when he has been told by doctors he shouldn't. He says no to everyone...fireman who are called to the help, routinely, when he falls because he insists on doing everything his way (hanging up Christmas lights, etc). I feel sympathy for him...often great sympathy. He is fragile and I know, on some level, he just lived his life the best he could, as we all do. But being treated with such little disregard has resurfaced all the childhood feelings of anger and fury of having no voice, receiving no respect. I'm nothing all over again. Finally, my siblings are all out of state. My brother calls my mom once a week. That's his only involvement. My sisters come out and bend to everything he wants. There is no question of what's for dinner. He decides, he drives, everyone tip toes around him. It's our childhood home all over again. So my rage is often directed at my siblings as well. So why am I even here? My mom is having a breakdown. Throwing up often, searing headaches. She puts his needs first, denies her own and has forever. I'm here to be a friend to her. To take her out to lunch, to go get our nails done, etc. Anything to help take care of herself. She has thanked me profusely, saying she doesn't know what she would do without me. That means everything to me. Yet, my anger is so palpable. I am in therapy and, yes, it's helping getting insight into him. But the minute he takes a newspaper out of my hand because he wants to read it, therapy flies out the window. I don't know if he has dementia, maybe early stages. If he does, in a sad way, it would help me cope better. Either way, this is someone who refuses help, is 100% controlling and treats those closest to him like they are servants. I don't know where to turn, feel like a terrible person every time I get angry but I am. Everyone is catering to a person who has no regard for their needs. For decades now. I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to bring that into this house during their remaining years. I just want to be acknowledged as a human being with my own needs. It won't happen so the end result is I'm angry all the time, which makes me feel guilty and stressed. Don't personalize it, they say. When you live with a tyrant, you don't personalize it because you aren't acknowledged as a person. Any insight or advice would be so helpful. Reaching out to typical caregiving support hasn't helped. You are dealing with caregiving and a home that was unhealthy. It's two issues colliding and things suggested (sit down and talk to him) are so out of the question. The few times anyone pushes back to him, in a very loving way, he often hits them. It's a mess and, if anything, I thank you for letting me vent to day.

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Thanks much Jeanne for your suggestion. I do have to live here. At least, for now. I've continually worked but my life is falling apart on me from the stress. Since 2013 to now, my social structure has evaporated, I'm on anti-anxieties that I've become addicted to (?!), I'm sick often from not taking care of myself and have had suicide tendencies. I often stay up at night talking to suicide hotlines. Those are my "friends" right now. I can't even believe I wrote all that, that this is my reality. I was on top of the world, very happy in my life and now...I just have no one or nowhere to go. I'm going to work on setting boundaries with my dad and getting my life back. I'm helping no one by letting this anger eat at me. Thank you again. I think yours is the solution or at least getting my life back while still helping my mom.I guess this is my rock bottom.
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Do you have to live with them? Can you continue to be supportive of your mother if you live nearby, and let them continue to call the fire department when he falls?
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