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My name is Jane. For two years now my son and I have been living with my parents after my husband and I separated. My father is a Vietnam Vet and retired New York City detective, a recovered alcoholic, has a bad heart, and has had diabetes for the past 25 years. He has needed to take insulin for 25 years and until recently has done so at his own discretion. Taking his insulin when he saw fit. Because he never controlled his diabetes it is now turned into brittle diabetes which means his blood sugar is either very high and he becomes hyperglycaemic or extremely low and becomes hypoglycemic. 3 weeks ago he was hospitalized for pneumonia and congested heart failure to be honest we didn't think he'd make it through the night. He was there for 8 days and since then he has been in and out of the hospital four times due to his diabetes. Now he's been home for a week we have noticed how much his behavior has changed. Because I am now overseeing his insulin intake and constantly having him take his blood sugar and feeding him the proper diet he is very angry with me and my mother. He insisted that I was not giving him enough food when actually I have given him more than he should actually have finally we got a diabetic nurse in here to make sure he can have even more food. Which I abide by. The other day he woke up and could not keep anything down an hour after that he became very confused and didn't even know who he was, silly things like using the phone as the television remote control. His physician told us to get him to an ER right away that it had nothing to do with his diabetes. Once he knew he had to go back to the ER he became very abusive both physically and verbally out of control. So much so that we could not go with him to the ER and being that no one was there the doctors did not know about his confused state and released him the same night. He could of had a stroke for all we know. When we went to pick him up he had asked my mother for a divorce told me I was good for nothing and that he would leave and never come back that's not getting into detail but again very abusive. At this point he does not want to go to any doctors or have the nurses come to our house anymore. Today the nurse came and he completely lost it went to go hit me in my face right in front of my son with his nurse standing watching all of this. He became angry with me because the nurse asked to see his blood sugar levels which have been crashing on a consistent basis. All we wanted to do was speak to do her about getting him a pump being that it's so hard to take ccare of him let alone give him shots. I know something is going on with him mentally and do not know what to do. He refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't want to end up in the hospital. How do you take care for grown man who is this abusive, I know he needs help but I don't know where to start. We have these nurses that come and know full well how he is with his rage and give us no options. All we've been told is to do the best we can. So what do we do when he's looking to hit me and he's screaming all these terrible things to my mother and I? I'm affair he could be dealing with dementia or something worse. Short of becoming physical with him or calling the police to have him taken out of here when he's this out of control I don't know what to do. The nurses won't help, he refuses to see his doctors or go to the hospital? I cannot have my 7 yr old seeing and hearing all of this. I'm getting to the point where I'm so angry I'm yelling at him and yes I'm scared at what he may do. If anyone here has any advise it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

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Immediately contact his police brethren, preferably someone he knows and trusts. They will help you, they never forget their own. He will respect them more than family.
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Next time your Dad is totally out of control, call 911 on a landline in your Dad's home [so the ambulance can be leaving the bay while you are still talking to the dispatcher] and tell the dispatcher you have a *violent diabetic male*, the EMT's and the police will know what to do. And please, someone needs go to the hospital, either ride with the ambulance up front, or drive yourself, or take the subway, whatever, to explain to the doctors what has been going on. Before you leave home, grab all the meds that your Dad is taking and put into a zip lock bag, so the meds can be recorded at the hospital.

Hopefully the next trip to the ER will be more productive.
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Oh, and the next time he goes to the hospital, you DON'T pick him up. You and your mother tell the discharge people that you can no longer care for him at home.
They will attempt to guilt you into taking him home. For your mom's sake, please don't.

You should get in touch with the VA and talk to them about placement.
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Jane, please don't beat yourself up over the fact that he won't listen to family. C'mon, NO ONE listens to family! We hear this over and over again here. Many years ago, my elderly never married great aunt was discovered by my parents to have developed dementia, was living in filth and suffering from malnutrition. My dad, her much beloved great nephew, could not get her to understand that she could no longer live alone, but my dad snagged a good looking young beat cop and enlisted his services to "escort" Auntie to a "party". She took his arm and allowed herself to be escorted to the waiting police car and lived out her days safely in a secure facility.
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This is all excellent advice.

In our experience, we called 911 when our LO threw us out of the house and wouldn't let us back inside to care for the LO. We got two cops and three ambulance guys within minutes. They gently coaxed our LO out, and away in the amublance to the ER to get checked out. I followed along behind to ensure that the docs had the right story, but stayed completely out of sight. That was the last time our LO was at home.

Quick points:

VA: Does your dad have a service connected disability? If he's a Vietnam vet, his diabetes and heart disease should be considered connected to his exposure to Agent Orange. For the VA to do much, they'll need to establish service connection. There is a process, it's not instant, and you may need help from an organization like the Disabled American Veterans. Someone on the force probably knows how to do this.

Protecting yourself: My all means, do not put yourself in harm's way and especially your son. We had to modify the way we deal with our LO because of our child and the potential for hostility. As important as your dad is, your son is first. The best way to address this is to call 911. Our LO lived in a small borough in a busy county in NJ. If these guys can do the right thing with a medically unstable older person, then NYC ought to have a gold plated response - at least you might think so. No one tackled our LO. There was really no problem. It worked out wonderfully.
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Does he still have his gun and ammo? Please get rid of both, for your and his protection.
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He's partner said he will see what he can do which is all I can ask for at this point. I pray he'll listen and we can get him the help he needs. If not and he gets to out of control we'll have to do whatever we can whatever way we can as much as that sucks. No one can live like this anymore including him and no one should have to. It's sad.
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Northshore does have a Geriatric psych unit. I would call them and describe the symptoms that you're seeing. Work the partner angle and maybe he'll agree to go
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My heart goes out to you. What an awful situation for all concerned.

You have been given excellent advice by those who have been in your shoes.

I hope that his partner can help. If you have to call 911 perhaps calling the partner too would be a good idea. If he could meet them at the ER or come immediately to your home, that might calm things down. But he no doubt has a life, too, and may be limited in what he can do.

Somehow you need to get Dad into an environment where he can be helped. Even if he doesn't want to be helped, you need to have him removed for the safety and well being of your mother and your son. Probably the most likely way to have him removed to a healing or at least safe environment is through the emergency room.

Be sure the ER has a clear picture of the hallucinations and violent behavior.

Insist that he cannot be returned to his home, because nobody there is able to care for him and he poses a safety risk to himself and others.Resist all attempts to guilt you into taking him home.

Expect your dad to be angry about this. But he is angry now, so you have nothing to lose.

My heart goes out to all of you. This crisis is not of your making and yet you are faced with coping with it. Best wishes to all of you.

Please keep us informed with what happens. We learn from each other, and learning helps us give better advice in the future. Tell us how this progresses for you, and help others in the future.
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His partner is your lifeline. If anyone can talk him down, it would be the partner he bonded to. His partner knows when to call for back up, and when he does, the PD will give it all they have.
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