Dad is in ALF and refuses to take showers. Staff is stressing, calls me, I feel threatened as if they will boot him out. Any advice?

My my ex-husband's grandfather refused to take showers in the nursing home where he resided. When I saw where he was given a shower, I didn't blame him at all! A totally tiled bathroom and it was freezing in there. When I got a small heater for that room and they heated it for a few minutes before he went in, he was fine. Maybe you could check it out sweetie!

I have a friend whose dad was in AL, and he, too, wouldn't shower. Turned out he was afraid of falling and didn't want to fall unnoticed, so she'd come over and sit in his room while he showered. Problem solved.
I think falling is the #1 reason older people fear showers, along with the shock of getting blasted by cold water (my mother's supposed fear). Chairs, bars, and supervision are the best things to try.

Last 2 were good tips for home caregivers but the Dad is in an ALF. The relative does not need to go shower supervise or take this over. It is the ALF's responsibility. That's why they have care plans, behaviour charts & strategies. Speak to the Manager directly. Ask to schedule a meeting in a month to give you feedback of what behaviour modification strategies they trialled & if successful. If not, what will they be doing about it.

This is how I look at it. This is a problem they need to solve. The staff should know how to work around the problem. My daughter says to make them think that they are making the decision. "Mr. S wouldn't it be nice to get all clean and fresh and put clean clothes on." To get my Mom to do something when she got stubborn, the CNAs told her they were calling her daughter. My Mom then did what they asked.

I would ask what do they think you can do about it? What would they do if there was no family to call?

Does your father have dementia?

My mother, (in memory care now) was afraid to take a shower. I think she was afraid to get behind the shower curtain. She was afraid of windows, and always thought that there was someone on the other side. However; she wouldn't have been able to verbalize her fear of the shower.

Is your father able to figure out the steps to even give himself a shower? With dementia, multiple steps are almost too hard to allow the person to get an activity done.

Knowing more about your father's specific memory issues might help.

Use those wipes that one package gives a whole bath and leaves your skin soft and fresh smelling. You only have to undress the part that's being bathed and they don't have to feel cold or scared they are going to fall. No fighting them to bathe. And an easy fix. I've used Comfort Bath Wipes myself wile waiting for the heater in my bathroom to be fix. There are many different brands out there and they aren't that expensive.

I doubt they can kick your dad out over not showering or they would lose too much money! This is their problem, Facilities love to have the family solve things instead of doing it themselves. I agree this is their issue not yours. If you want voice your concerns to the director of nursing and ask her how she trains her staff to deal with showering refusals. Put the monkey back on her back not yours. What the heck are they being paid for...and it’s not cheap as we all well know.

Have they sent a male staff member to get him to shower? He may be modest and too embarrassed to say so given the way men are so often mocked or bullied by female staff when they express any modesty concerns. "You don't have anything I haven't seen" and similarly unprofessional and dismissive comments. That often gets the compliance the staff want but it serves to increase the patient's embarrassment which can result in simple refusal in the future. Men have been socialized from a young age to suffer embarrassment quietly which causes some to choose avoidance as the path of least resistance.

He may have a genuine fear of falling.

We have a poster on here, (Lealonnie) that has a mom living in assisted living.

I can tell you about something she did to help her mom bathe in her facility.

I personally think it’s a brilliant idea and worked well as a solution for her.

She purchased water shoes for the shower. I can definitely see how this would make a resident feel more secure in the shower.

By the way, are they using a shower seat? My mom definitely needed a shower seat.

I hope Lealonnie sees your posting and she can tell you specifically what kind of water shoes she purchased for her mom.

Best wishes to you.

Our Papa, who had dementia, had been living in an ALF about six years and bathing, shaving, changing his clothes himself then just decided he wasn't going to do it any more. This is a totally typical occurrence with anyone with dementia. I had to ask the ALF to add these hygiene activities to the services for him. All the caregivers were female and Papa fought it tooth and nail for almost a year with their trying different people to do it. Finally there was a woman who simply would not take no for an answer and did it despite him. After a while he accepted it. The ALF never threatened to have him leave but worked with me and him. Hope you can get the same service and cooperation. Good luck and God bless.