My 95-year-old dad with vascular dementia resides in a memory care facility near me. The care is mediocre, but OK for now. The problem is that dad recognizes he has memory problems & gets frustrated at times. He still knows me, my husband & my brother, but has difficulty finding words. Every time I visit (twice a week) he is clingy & desperate, & says he can't "live like this much longer". He says he just wants to hold on to me & not let me go. He is on an antidepressant & an anti anxiety med, but they don't seem to be doing much good.
I realize this response is a lot better than those who act bitter & ungrateful to their families, but it's getting to me. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I understand that he's an old man & is very lonely. He's never been very social anyway & had very few friends- by his choice. I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years & the guilt is pushing me to the edge.
I vent to my husband & he understands, but he can only do so much. I guess I'm venting here, too, and would appreciate any words of wisdom.
I often say that we ALL lose when dementia is involved & it's the God's honest truth. I lose, my mother loses, the whole family loses. Dementia is a terrible affliction and we stand by, helplessly, watching our family member deteriorate before our eyes, lost to a disease that robs them of who they are. My mother struggles to understand the words I use and to find words to use herself; aphasia is real and it's ugly. She cries for her siblings who she thinks have 'abandoned' her when in reality, they're all deceased; she's the last of 8 siblings still alive.
So it's okay to feel grief and guilt and whatever other emotions you're feeling while you watch your father cling to you during your visits. I wouldn't cut down on the visits either, unless you feel they're making him upset. Speak to his doctor, by all means, and see if a med change is in order, which is often the case as the dementia progresses. My mother is on the max dose of Wellbutrin for depression and Ativan at 7 pm for anxiety. She was just accepted on hospice this month which is good; it gives her a lot of extra hands-on care & attention that she likes. Don't beat YOURSELF up over what's happening with dad; it's out of your control. Be kind to yourself throughout this grief process; you're doing the best you can and so is dad.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
One thing you may eventually need to do, is to tell him that you are concerned that your visits are upsetting him too much, as well as upsetting you. If he enjoys them, you can enjoy them too. If he gets so upset, you may find that the doctor suggests cutting down on visits to avoid him getting distressed. Talk about a better way for him to cope, particularly when you are leaving. You can remind him time after time, which may stick with him and may also help you to feel better. He needs a motive to make the visits better for both of you, and this is about the only one available.