How do I deal with an aging Dad who's independent, still drives and living in our home?

Follow
Share

My widower father who is still in dependent and drives very well has been living with my husband and myself for 2 years now. i do we deal with this situation when my husband and I want to be by ourselves. the walls are starting to close in.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
10

Answers

Show:
terrygma, in some cases a reverse mortgage becomes due and payable if your Dad had move out for more than 12 months. Some reverse mortgages require that the borrower to live at least 6 months out of a calendar year in the house that has a reverse mortgage, then it is ok to live elsewhere for 6 months, then back to the house for 6 months, etc.

Your Dad can buy another house as an investment [rental] but he has to continue to live in the reverse mortgaged house. Have him contact a mortgage company that is familiar with this process.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Laurie, has your Dad lived in the area for quite some time? Check and see if any of the Independent living complexes has a visitor night.... you never know, maybe your Dad might see someone he knows :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with Laurie, you've invited him into the home but now it's time to go. My dad says"not interested " when we say anything about activities or friends in ALF, so that doesn't entice him. He also says everyone in those places is old and frail and he is not! ( sorry dad, you are) he is trying to buy another home here, but has a house with a reverse mortgage in another state and has bought and traded 4 brand new cars in the last 6 months, so his debt ratio is not good enough to get a mortgage and when we suggest apartment he flips out. Sigh. It's endless. Laurie I hope you get a solution. Your dad sounds more reasonable than mine.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

fregflyer, that is a very good question. Again, I invited him into our home and now I find it difficult to suggest moving somewhere else. I am my own worst enemy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

laurie5658, curious why your Dad isn't living in an Independent senior apartment. Since he is still independent and still drives, he really should be on his own. Within the independent senior apartment complex he can meet new people and develop new lasting friendships. Something to think about.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

"...he says he's happy doing what he does. "

Yeah, but nobody else is!

You don't need your father's permission to get your facts together. Find out what ALFs are available. Maybe visit the ones that look promising. Get your information ready: costs, budgets, availability, plus of course all of the social and health care benefits that would be on offer at a good facility. Then the family gets together and presents him with alternatives; the alternatives, at that point, no longer include living with your sister or living with you. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would like to know what people do about this as well. My father still drives, can make a meal but practically burns the house down, can bathe and dress himself, but really shouldn't live alone. He is currently living in my sister's house and she's about had it, but instead of talking to him. She complains to me and me being the fixer in the family, I try to talk to him and then he yells and swears at me. I've told him it's her house, her rules and he says I don't care, I'm 80 years old and can do whatever the f*#k I want. He has completely taken over every living area in a house of 9 people. Granted, he wants his own place again too, but in the meantime, he lives just as he did in his own house which us to spread all his morning things, newspaper, tissues, glasses etc, on the kitchen table & leave it all day, books, glasses, cigs, water on the back porch table & watches TV in the main living area , sometimes with innapropiate shows( there are small children in home). He has a small living area downstairs they made for him w TV and all, but he alternates from the main TV area to the back porch or kitchen table, all within 10 steps of each other, all day long. He smokes a lot blowing the smoke down on himself, instead of away so he reeks of cigs, also doesn't shower properly or enough, so we have the stinky body smell too Since he has taken over all the main areas, everyone else has nowhere to go so they all end up in my sis' room to watch TV or kids hide in their rooms. He's also mean to the kids, in addition to the stink, so they don't want to sit with him & he is largely ignored in the house. He says "the kids don't talk to me" & we don't want to hurt his feelings, but we may have to. I have tried to say some of the issues, but it's my sister's house & I feel like she needs to say something. What's going to probably happen is I'll have to move in with him, (he refuses assisted living) because no one wants him & yet I am mad because this is not fair for me to shoulder that burden alone just because I'm single. I think sometimes I shouldn't complain as he is declining some & has a harder time walking, won't exercise, wants a "companion" but won't go to any activity where he could meet one, does the exact same thing pretty much week in, week out, has 1 friend that they GI to breakfast every Tuesday a.m. at 9:00, American Legion for happy hour every Wed. At 4:00 & expects to be waited on for meals. Also won't help with meds or anything to do with his health. I know I've rambled, idk the answer, because I think in an active assisted living, he'd be happier & meet people & have activities, but he says he's happy doing what he does. Right now he's at my apt w/me & is basically doing exactly what he does at sister's, except here we go to casino buffet one time for brunch & then he plays video poker, then we sit & there is a movie on ALL day as I don't have cable, so I have to constantly hop up to change movie or he pushes wrong button on remote because he can't see them. Thanks for listening. Out in public I am constantly apologizing for him- sorry person(waitress, etc) he's an a**hole, I'm sorry. Sorry I don't have any answers. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My pleasure - I'm just glad it helped. I think it very loving of you to be so sensitive to his feelings, but don't let it make you afraid. Change could be very good for his continuing independence, don't forget. With luck and care, everyone could win :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

if you're worrying too much about how your father might feel if you suggest change it can stop you looking at other choices.

That is the problem with me and you worded it perfectly. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Find out what all the options are, and pick the one that's the closest match to what all three of you would like. Sounds obvious, but if you're worrying too much about how your father might feel if you suggest change it can stop you looking at other choices.

There's nothing wrong with a couple wanting to lead their own lives together - it doesn't mean you don't also love your father!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions