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Best of luck!
But if those things were happening, *any* trained person involved in care of older people or people with dementia would have kittens. They are plain abusive. If they form part of the only way that your father can be attended to at home, in what way is the care he is receiving better than that you would demand for him in a facility?
You MUST get help from trained providers. This can't continue. Both your mother's and your father's welfare are suffering, and you do not need permission from your mother to seek help.
Placement and professional observation might result in identifying physical or medical interventions that might help him be more calm and peaceful, but in your and his presently painful and unsettled surroundings, the job is always quick self preservation. Not at all conducive to observation and problem solving.
“We don't believe in that” is not a justification for attempting to avoid getting the best possible situation for not only your father, but also for your mother. Two vulnerable people who will continue to suffer.
Your mother yells at him to stop fighting? Maybe being touched is causing him pain? You left a job you love and feel resentment at giving up your life to care for him?
How is this abusive, resentful "care" better than being in a care home?
I'm sorry if this sounds uncaring or mean. But sometimes people get these mantras in their heads...."our family takes care of its own"....."we would never do a thing like that"...."we'll see this through to the bitter end" without recognizing or re-evaluating the costs of those platitudes.
((((((hugs)))))))))
I imagine that you have tried everything, so forgive me if this is redundant, can you tell him, in 3 minutes we are going to clean you up, when the alarm goes off we are going to clean you up and you need to lay still and be nice. Then tell him as he is being positioned to get changed that he needs to be still and be nice. Do this every time and when he starts getting agitated firmly tell him to lay still and be nice. I don't know, toileting is my line, I won't deal with that for my dad and if I did, his beating on me during the process would quickly put an end to it.
I am also curious if you have tried putting a diaper type depends under his regular boxers? I can't imagine dealing with a full grown man going everywhere and only using pads. That has to add to the work load like crazy. Maybe tell him that he needs to layer up with those whitey tighties under his boxers.
I know that you are apposed to facility placement, but have you considered that your mom could very easily be severely injured by a well placed foot or the resulting fall, also she could die 1st and then what would happen. Statistically roughly 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. Is it really worth losing her to his disease?
I see from your Mom's profile, she is caring for her husband who has dementia, she had to resign from her job, and that her daughter has moved back into the house to help her along with her daughter's two youngest children, high school and college age. Am I reading that correctly?
May I ask how much formal caregiving training you, your Mom have had? Like most of us here, we have had zero training. There does come a tipping point.
There also comes a time where dementia patients needs a village to take care of them. My Mom went from home, to hospital, to long-term-care. No way could I do the hands-on care at home that was needed. I was senior age which I feel that your Mom is also a senior.
As Isthisrealyreal has noted in her post, up to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Those are NOT good odds. And how fair would it be for the rest of the family if Mom passes or becomes ill from the stress, which isn't uncommon?
Then you will need to do the work for 3 full-time caregivers daily, that's 168 hours per week, no time off. That will have a major impact on your children.... and now you will be looking at the 40% odds on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with assisted living/memory care nor with a skilled nursing home. Now a days there are even Hospice facilities where the professionals deal only with hospice patients.
Is cost a factor? If your parents are not able to budget for a hospice facility, then Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] can kick in to pay for Dad's care at a nursing home. Then Mom can once again be the Wife again, and you once again be the daughter.
Just food for thought.
Your father's brain is diseased and there is nothing you or your mother can do to change that fact. Right now it's your mother who is suffering both physically from the punches and kicks and emotionally from the stress of watching her husband go through this disease.
There are no happy endings here. It is time for you to help your mother make the difficult decision of getting your father the pain and agitation medication he clearly needs either at home through hospice or in a nursing home.
My Mom always hated taking a shower at the NH, but she loved to sing and the aides would get her singing on the way into the shower, and I could sometimes hear her singing all the way down the hall. It actually worked sometimes to get her mind off it. Maybe you could try that?
And I have to concur with Barbs post... if your Mom is getting kicked and pinched and has to yell (to try to calm down a man who was always angry??) this is not certainly fair for her. Nor a healthy environment for grandkids to witness. Sometimes behaviors like this are too destructive for untrained people who are just trying to do the best they can, and may be better done by professionals for everyone’s sake. It’s not forsaking someone...it’s recognizing that a loved one deserves the best care possible, wherever that may be.