My 81 year old Dad has taken over my home and I hide in my room. Any advice?

Gosh, CountryMouse, that is a very helpful answer. Lots there to think about and implement. You're right that the temporary thing has shifted into feeling permanent and that me and hubby have to have a real heart-to-heart about what lies ahead and what we can reasonably offer. As it happens, there are some options that can include my dad in our future (and yes, it's just me and my husband -- kids are grown, gone and busy) and it pleases both of us to feel we could be there for all our parents (both of his are still alive, but decidedly still independent -- thank you god!). My husband very rarely grumbles about the situation and really my dad has been pretty darn helpful in being there for us during a couple tough times emotionally in the marriage. That said, some of the stress in the marriage could probably be traced back to absolutely NO alone time in our home. We make sure we go out for dinner alone now and then, but we feel so guilty leaving dad at home by himself that we really don't enjoy it much and rush home to keep him company. I just need to find my voice without joining in my birth family's dysfunction of yelling anytime they have a tough emotion. Anger is the way to solve your problems in my parents' home and that family culture was inherited by my siblings and a lot of my nieces and nephews... I just can't stand another second of it and want/need peace in my little corner of the universe.

Again, thank you CountryMouse, for your input. I'll be checking back here for awhile, so if you think of anything else you feel would help, I'd love to hear from you.

PS And what's the story on the house, then? Have they sold it yet? If not, what have they done with it? If so, where's the money???

Gosh, your poor Dad. Poor you. Your poor husband.

Ok. What you've got is a temporary situation - bearable - morphing into a permanent situation - unbearable and unsustainable. Time for a major rethink.

What you have got going for you is a lot of love. Hold tight to that, it will really help.

I'm not going to comment on your siblings' behaviour, my mother told me not to use that sort of language. "Cruel" comes into it, too, though - I think I can safely say that.

The time has come to look ahead. How would it suit you and your husband to make your father a permanent part of your family? If that's a no-no (and for heaven's sake think it through THOROUGHLY between just the two of you, before you say a word to your father), then the next option is finding your father a suitable independent home, choosing it with exceptional care - big subject, would need a lot of detailed discussion.

If it is a possibility, then the big discussion would be what sort of home do the three of you need? No children, is that right? Do you and your husband move home regularly/frequently? Given your father's background, he'd be more adaptable and capable than many men of his age; but do make allowances for advancing age and increasing dependence - look five, ten years ahead.

But the main point is that once you've raised and settled the "is this forever" question, your father will know where he stands. How can he possibly have any sense of security until then? If you attribute a big chunk of his frenetic activity to uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, grief and loss, even fear - all of which would be reasonable in his circumstances - you can see which of his issues are the ones that need addressing most urgently.

And you have to do all this without getting mad at your brother for his brutal rejection, or even calling it what it is. Very tricky. Try to scrub your brothers as options and concentrate on your own and your father's future happiness - plan a whole new route. Best wishes.

Oh, and he's been a widower for 2 and a half years.

CountryMouse asked: "What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?" He was an engineer in the oil industry. I'm not an only child, I'm the youngest of 3 and my siblings are 9 and 11 years older than me. They basically called me one day and said, "We're putting dad on the next plane to your city. Take care of him until we sell his house. He's in the way here, causing delays in the renovations." No, more like he was pushed out of his home by my very overbearing brother who has to have everything HIS way. I feel for my dad. He's basically a good person and a terrific guest. It's been almost a year and a half since then and the three of us are sharing a tiny apartment, so things could've been a LOT worse. It's just that I MUST be allowed to have my autonomy as an adult WHILE I facilitate my adult parent to stay healthy and happy. I don't know the words to say to get him to see what's going on here. It just escalates to ugly and hurt feelings IMMEDIATELY.

ba8alou asked: "How does your dad come to live with you? Does he have dementia? Can you have the lock changed? Tell us more." He came here because my brother is selling his house and 'needed' him to move out of his own house to do some renovations. That was over a year ago. Neither of my siblings call or contact me to see how things are going and if I try to voice my frustrations, they yell at me that I'm being unreasonable. So no help there. My dad COULD go home, but he is intimidated by my brother and also he needs the house to sell before he'll have enough money to survive on his own in a smaller, cheaper home. My husband and I have been completely supporting him since my brother effectively threw him out of his own home. So I tried to be understanding and empathetic about how displaced he felt after being basically evicted by my very bossy brother. No, my father does not have dementia, but he is older now and has an older brain... just a bit forgetful and foggy sometimes, but nothing medical yet. No, I can't have the locks changed and I can't make more keys -- it's engraved on my keys "copying is forbidden" and it is a condition of my lease that I not make more. Thing is, because he has taken over ALL the shopping and walking the dogs, etc., he claims to need the keys in his pocket -- it's just more convenient than having to fish them out of my purse. Him having the keys is a side-effect of the whole problem, but it is very upsetting to me to have to push the intercom button to be let into my OWN apartment the few times I actually have a reason to go out that my father doesn't take the errand from me and jump up and put his shoes and jacket on and speed out the door telling me not to be silly, he's happy to do it and I should just sit and relax, etc. Then yesterday, when I asked where some of my supplies had been moved to he commented that he moves things because I never clean!!! I am a clean freak!!! He has taken all my cleaning away from me!!! If I start to clean something, he comes into the room and insists that I let him finish the job!! A lot of the time, I insist on finishing but it causes a big tizzy -- he yells at me saying I'm ungrateful and he just won't do ANYTHING -- for the rest of the day so I've learned that it's just more peaceful around here if I stay in my room (I'm a stay at home housewife) waiting for my husband at the end of the day for a tiny minute of being an adult. It's unbearable!!!

But you're not a kid any more, and this is your home. Time to turn the tables. While he's living under your roof (where have I heard that phrase before..?), you make the rules. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, you need to find a way to lay down those rules without humiliating him. Yes, he clearly needs useful activity to maintain his self-respect - that's a GOOD thing, find him as much as you can, while reassuring him that he doesn't need to work his fingers to the bone to have your love and respect - he has nothing to prove, as far as you're concerned, about his value as a human being. But you have to take charge. Your house, your rules.

Step 1 - reclaim those keys. If your rental agreement says you can't make copies, I'm pretty sure your landlord won't like the keys not being in your personal safekeeping, either (or at least that's what you tell your Dad!).

What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?

How does your dad come to live with you? Does he have dementia? Can you have the lock changed? Tell us more.