My 81 year old Dad has taken over my home and I hide in my room. Any advice?

How does your dad come to live with you? Does he have dementia? Can you have the lock changed? Tell us more.

But you're not a kid any more, and this is your home. Time to turn the tables. While he's living under your roof (where have I heard that phrase before..?), you make the rules. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, you need to find a way to lay down those rules without humiliating him. Yes, he clearly needs useful activity to maintain his self-respect - that's a GOOD thing, find him as much as you can, while reassuring him that he doesn't need to work his fingers to the bone to have your love and respect - he has nothing to prove, as far as you're concerned, about his value as a human being. But you have to take charge. Your house, your rules.

Step 1 - reclaim those keys. If your rental agreement says you can't make copies, I'm pretty sure your landlord won't like the keys not being in your personal safekeeping, either (or at least that's what you tell your Dad!).

What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?

ba8alou asked: "How does your dad come to live with you? Does he have dementia? Can you have the lock changed? Tell us more." He came here because my brother is selling his house and 'needed' him to move out of his own house to do some renovations. That was over a year ago. Neither of my siblings call or contact me to see how things are going and if I try to voice my frustrations, they yell at me that I'm being unreasonable. So no help there. My dad COULD go home, but he is intimidated by my brother and also he needs the house to sell before he'll have enough money to survive on his own in a smaller, cheaper home. My husband and I have been completely supporting him since my brother effectively threw him out of his own home. So I tried to be understanding and empathetic about how displaced he felt after being basically evicted by my very bossy brother. No, my father does not have dementia, but he is older now and has an older brain... just a bit forgetful and foggy sometimes, but nothing medical yet. No, I can't have the locks changed and I can't make more keys -- it's engraved on my keys "copying is forbidden" and it is a condition of my lease that I not make more. Thing is, because he has taken over ALL the shopping and walking the dogs, etc., he claims to need the keys in his pocket -- it's just more convenient than having to fish them out of my purse. Him having the keys is a side-effect of the whole problem, but it is very upsetting to me to have to push the intercom button to be let into my OWN apartment the few times I actually have a reason to go out that my father doesn't take the errand from me and jump up and put his shoes and jacket on and speed out the door telling me not to be silly, he's happy to do it and I should just sit and relax, etc. Then yesterday, when I asked where some of my supplies had been moved to he commented that he moves things because I never clean!!! I am a clean freak!!! He has taken all my cleaning away from me!!! If I start to clean something, he comes into the room and insists that I let him finish the job!! A lot of the time, I insist on finishing but it causes a big tizzy -- he yells at me saying I'm ungrateful and he just won't do ANYTHING -- for the rest of the day so I've learned that it's just more peaceful around here if I stay in my room (I'm a stay at home housewife) waiting for my husband at the end of the day for a tiny minute of being an adult. It's unbearable!!!

CountryMouse asked: "What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?" He was an engineer in the oil industry. I'm not an only child, I'm the youngest of 3 and my siblings are 9 and 11 years older than me. They basically called me one day and said, "We're putting dad on the next plane to your city. Take care of him until we sell his house. He's in the way here, causing delays in the renovations." No, more like he was pushed out of his home by my very overbearing brother who has to have everything HIS way. I feel for my dad. He's basically a good person and a terrific guest. It's been almost a year and a half since then and the three of us are sharing a tiny apartment, so things could've been a LOT worse. It's just that I MUST be allowed to have my autonomy as an adult WHILE I facilitate my adult parent to stay healthy and happy. I don't know the words to say to get him to see what's going on here. It just escalates to ugly and hurt feelings IMMEDIATELY.

Oh, and he's been a widower for 2 and a half years.

Gosh, your poor Dad. Poor you. Your poor husband.

Ok. What you've got is a temporary situation - bearable - morphing into a permanent situation - unbearable and unsustainable. Time for a major rethink.

What you have got going for you is a lot of love. Hold tight to that, it will really help.

I'm not going to comment on your siblings' behaviour, my mother told me not to use that sort of language. "Cruel" comes into it, too, though - I think I can safely say that.

The time has come to look ahead. How would it suit you and your husband to make your father a permanent part of your family? If that's a no-no (and for heaven's sake think it through THOROUGHLY between just the two of you, before you say a word to your father), then the next option is finding your father a suitable independent home, choosing it with exceptional care - big subject, would need a lot of detailed discussion.

If it is a possibility, then the big discussion would be what sort of home do the three of you need? No children, is that right? Do you and your husband move home regularly/frequently? Given your father's background, he'd be more adaptable and capable than many men of his age; but do make allowances for advancing age and increasing dependence - look five, ten years ahead.

But the main point is that once you've raised and settled the "is this forever" question, your father will know where he stands. How can he possibly have any sense of security until then? If you attribute a big chunk of his frenetic activity to uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, grief and loss, even fear - all of which would be reasonable in his circumstances - you can see which of his issues are the ones that need addressing most urgently.

And you have to do all this without getting mad at your brother for his brutal rejection, or even calling it what it is. Very tricky. Try to scrub your brothers as options and concentrate on your own and your father's future happiness - plan a whole new route. Best wishes.

PS And what's the story on the house, then? Have they sold it yet? If not, what have they done with it? If so, where's the money???

Gosh, CountryMouse, that is a very helpful answer. Lots there to think about and implement. You're right that the temporary thing has shifted into feeling permanent and that me and hubby have to have a real heart-to-heart about what lies ahead and what we can reasonably offer. As it happens, there are some options that can include my dad in our future (and yes, it's just me and my husband -- kids are grown, gone and busy) and it pleases both of us to feel we could be there for all our parents (both of his are still alive, but decidedly still independent -- thank you god!). My husband very rarely grumbles about the situation and really my dad has been pretty darn helpful in being there for us during a couple tough times emotionally in the marriage. That said, some of the stress in the marriage could probably be traced back to absolutely NO alone time in our home. We make sure we go out for dinner alone now and then, but we feel so guilty leaving dad at home by himself that we really don't enjoy it much and rush home to keep him company. I just need to find my voice without joining in my birth family's dysfunction of yelling anytime they have a tough emotion. Anger is the way to solve your problems in my parents' home and that family culture was inherited by my siblings and a lot of my nieces and nephews... I just can't stand another second of it and want/need peace in my little corner of the universe.

Again, thank you CountryMouse, for your input. I'll be checking back here for awhile, so if you think of anything else you feel would help, I'd love to hear from you.

CountryMouse asked: "PS And what's the story on the house, then? Have they sold it yet? If not, what have they done with it? If so, where's the money???"

My brother is a real loser, really. He has an ego from here to there... based on what achievements, I don't know... but my mother ran our family like Atilla the Hun and she put my brother on a pedestal. He could do no wrong and thus he became a tyrant. Anyway, he 'offered' to pay my dad's mortgage for him while there were some final details fixed on the house in order to sell it. Dad was living in the house while this was going on, but was not conferred with or informed every time some new thing was being fixed or updated on the property. Now understand, my father is to pay my brother back for all this so-called needed improvement. And if my dad asks for any invoices or receipts, my brother screams, "Don't you trust me??? I'm keeping a tally in my head and as your son that should be enough!!" My sister supports my brother. Mainly because she's afraid of him and also because my mother trained us all to obey her and by extension my brother. I literally did not hear my father's voice for 30 years until my mother's funeral. What a joy to hear him speak more than half a sentence without my mother screaming him into silence. Let's just say, I did not grieve my mother's death. But her influence did not die with her and my sister and dad are still in the grip of it. I was always the black sheep -- because I defied the lack of justice or kindness in my mother's home -- and left as fast as I could, marrying my first husband at age 19! Anyway, I have lived away from that awful birth family all these years, but all of them stayed in the same town together, being perpetually tortured. They more or less ignored me for all that time and scoffed at all my attempts to be part of the family while still not cow-towing to mom's nonsense. Fast forward a year after mom's death and I get the call that dad's in my brother's way and I will need to pick him up at the airport the next day. Wow. I was glad to do it, really. Get him the heck out of their clutches. But I'm feeling the strain of being completely alone with all of this and to top it off I live permanently in a foreign country (my husband's native country) where there are no services and even if there were, they wouldn't be offered in English. The internet is my only connection to the English-speaking world and modern interpersonal advice... the people here are very anal-retentive and pent up and there's lots of suicide and depression. Yikes. So your help is huge... thanks again.

More specifically in answer to "where's the money": My hubby has paid for EVERYTHING including medical expenses since my father arrived. No offer of help from my siblings. No inquiry to see if we need any help with costs. Nothing from them. All of my dad's money is socked into that house -- a $1.5 million house my brother 'renovated' and lived in for 20 years and my parents took back from him after they retired. It's a nightmare, the history of that house, and I will be glad to see it go. BTW, my brother paid like 2 mortgage payments -- his part of the deal for getting my dad out of there -- and then started pilfering my dad's belongings (including his car!), selling things off to pay the mortgage!! As I said to my dad when I found this out, dad could've stayed and sold his stuff -- how is that help?? Anyway, I'm just really full. Too much crap for way too long from this birth family of mine. As soon as we (me, hubby and dad) figure out what's next for him, and if he decides he doesn't need my siblings' involvement anymore, I plan to cut all ties to them. They are not very nice people and I can't be around that sort of ugliness.

Phew.

What country are you in? I'm not making any silly assumptions about resources or facilities even if the "natives" don't speak English! - goodness me is there civilisation beyond..? ;), but it could make a difference to practicalities. Crumbs! You're not in Japan by any chance, are you? Or am I stereotyping again… Anyway, no, not if there no services. Russia… No, I must stop this. No more guesses, promises. Gosh now I'm wondering how embarrassingly wrong I've been.

I suppose one bright spot is that your brother can yell all he likes but you're definitely a safe distance from him. And your father too. He can't hurt either of you any more.

He also can't hurt an accountant. Time for an audit, perhaps, of your father's assets, who has title, what has been spent and where everything is. Your father has capacity, ergo he is the client, ergo an accountant needs only his permission to audit his affairs in full. And I can't see an accountant, no matter how outwardly mousey his or her personality, taking "it's all in my head" for an answer. If you don't know where to source one, see if your husband can ask a colleague to suggest a US contact; otherwise it's down to homework on the internet and searching for a good fit for your requirements.

Meanwhile, ensure that your father has not been strong-armed into setting up any kind of Power of Attorney. If you discover, yikes!, that he has, get it revoked NOW. The aim is to get all control of your father's assets out of your brother's reach, permanently. POA could go to you, but if your father is sufficiently well off it might be more appropriate to appoint a professional: he must get good advice, and choose carefully.

I assume your father has some kind of pension income, no? Strictly speaking, you shouldn't be paying all of his living expenses, and apart from proprieties it can't be doing his ego any good.

So, maybe step one, then, is to help your father get his money sorted out; then he'll feel more comfortable as an active, paying participant in further planning. Depending on where you are, it might be a good idea to schedule a fixed-term visit back to the States and treat this as a project to tie up as many straggly legal and financial ends as you can - don't necessarily expect to have everything sorted out, but break the back of it at least.

I love engineers. They make things work, and don't mess about with irrelevant nonsense. So if the end is "happy secure future for Dad" the rest is a matter of concentrating on the means to it, and any sibling involvement that doesn't contribute wants sweeping aside. Does he like the country you're in? Could he set his mind to learning the language?! - that could keep him out of your hair for a couple of hours a day!

Don't be afraid to be strong. No matter how you felt about her, you're not likely to have escaped your mother's genes entirely; so if you have got the odd personality trait of hers why not turn it round and use it to good effect? Let the occasional glimmer through and your father might even find it reassuring (but don't get carried away!).

Oh My..I so totally understand your feelings and frustrations...I'm in similar situation with my in-laws in which there seems to be no answer..I hide too..:( These comments are very insightful, and more importantly, this site offers a place where others understand the care giver dilemmas and helps with letting us know our anger/desperation has a valid foundation. I pray your situation works toward a fruitful ending for all involved..:)

Oops, didn't realize that I had to click on the next page! Sorry!

Answering follow-up questions... be right back with that... thank you for your patience...

We're in France and yes, it's good that my brother can't just show up and boss everyone around. My dad et al live in Texas USA but in my youth, my birth family lived an expatriot lifestyle. Yes, my brother has power of attorney ostensibly to have the ability to sell the house without dad there. Supposedly it's limited, but the fact that he could sell my dad's car without my dad knowing, tells me otherwise. More follow-up coming...

My dad only receives social security because he opted for a one-time pay-out at the time of his retirement and then what wasn't used for living/traveling expenses and fixing up that damnable house was lost in the stock market crash. He literally has no money until the house sells. Until then, it's up to his adult kids to see him through. And so far, it's just my hubby -- a non-blood relative -- who has taken the financial burden on.

CountryMouse wrote "I love engineers", well then, you'd love it around here because both my dad and my hubby are engineers. It is pretty nice, since I'm a big fan of logic and justice and rational thinking myself.

As far as dad learning French goes -- no, he's not interested and it's also VERY hard even if he did want to. He's such an outgoing guy that he doesn't really need the language sklls -- he does just fine charming the ladies at the market!

And funny you should bring up the idea that I might have some of my mom in me and that I should turn my back to the Dark Side of the Force (tee hee hee) -- I am A LOT like my mom, and it is just a shame that she couldn't/wouldn't use her strength of character to do good instead of using it to manipulate and torture those she "loved". I feel like my mom made a huge sacrifice by showing me the antithesis of who I want to be. She left no doubt in my mind that it would never be possible to cut corners or put myself first or think of empathy as a weakness or treat family like prey, etc. She ran that 'experiment' and so the data is in and it's a NO WAY for me and my kids and loved ones. My brother and sister never escaped the inertia of my mother's ENORMOUS personality and so they are still lost in the petty blaming and bickering that I ran from so long ago. I felt homeless most of my life, but looking back now, I'm actually grateful for the 'loneliness'. Why would I want to 'belong' to THAT? My poor dad though. He really is a bit of a melba toast next to the Force of Nature my mother was and so he didn't have the means to intervene and put her in her place. He couldn't save himself, so I don't hate him for not saving me. It's ok. I'm just glad I can sort of 'save' him now. And thank you for all this really good solid 'homework' to do with getting outside help from an accountant and so forth. It's exactly the tack I need to take and I need to stop focusing on how 'miserable' I am dealing with something that was thrust upon me. It's time I push my sleeves up and tell THEM how it's going to be... and offer my dad the shelter he deserves in order to get safe and secure in his own home. He isn't old and feeble yet and so it would be unkind to take his freedom from him too soon. I used to work as a Nursing Assistant doing home health work with the elderly and I KNOW what an "old" person looks like and my dad is NO old person yet. *sigh* I feel a whole lot better and my perspective is definitely shifting. Thank you so much.

EanneNO, It really is all relative I think. You don't like your dads interference with cleaning etc, but someone else is reading this and thinking 'oh my gosh, to have mom/dad actually HELP? what a wonderful thing". You get what I mean? So although it's a pain to you, it is pretty cool that your dad is capable and trying to be helpful, so that's good. Maybe what dad needs is a different outlet for his activities. What about him volunteering at a hospital? I know when you go to have surgery, there's usually an old person sitting at the desk in the waiting room, ready to help with questions etc. What about a senior center when he can go for a few hours a day? Also, I was wondering if you and yours attend church? The little community church I go to has a senior group that meets once a month for a potluck etc. I've taken both my dad and my mother-in-law to that and they seemed to enjoy themselves. Can't you get your dad a key if you officially add him to your rental agreement? What I think you ought to be concentrating on however is your dads house. First I'd get myself an attorney that will intimidate the brother in return, and get your dads house back into his hands and away from deadbeat brother. That's the key here I believe, the money for your dad to get his own place and start the second half of his life on his own, doing what HE wants to do. You are so fortunate to have an active, relatively healthy dad with NO Alzheimer's, that is wonderful in and of itself!

You need to hire an attorney and evict your brother, that simple. Your Dad needs to move back in. That simple. If your brother was selling off your Dads things without written consent, call the police have him arrested. Solves the whole eviction problem. Your Dad should be receiving social security,,,where is it. Federal Crime if your brother is cashing his checks and using the funds. Sounds like your not very legally sophisticated but it also sounds like your brother is a criminal and you guys are just sitting back and letting him rob your father blind.

oh and a power of attorney can easily be revoked by writing a new one and informing your brother in writing that his power of attorney has been revoked and all monies and properties are to be handed over to your father along with all receipts. Pay $25 have it served to him. Sounds like a real ahole.

Ohhhh FRANCE… Suicides? Oh dear, I hadn't heard. The rivalry may be a national pastime for us Brits - "1000 years of annoying the French" - but I would hate to think they're having that rough a time. We love them really.

Tip for your father: I spent a month on a farm in Burgundy when I was 10. Came home still speaking English only with a beautiful French accent - not quite what my mother had in mind when she sent me, but it seemed to make it easier to be understood!

Do you have EU citizenship yourself? Would that kind of move potentially help with your father's healthcare? Don't envy you all that bureaucracy, though, ouch.

I can understand that your father wouldn't enjoy confronting your brother, but to cancel the limited Power of Attorney he won't have to confront him, just notify him. There's a happy thought.

You watch those ladies at the market, mind they keep off him. Grrrrr.

Social Security is a monthly benefit, you can't get a one time payout. Something smells fishy here. Social Security is typically either deposited each month in to your bank account or a check is received. He is probably getting on average 2k a month.

The one-time payout will have been a lump sum pension pot paid out on the father's retirement and then invested, usually to provide an income. It's not related to state benefits. Sadly, even the best-planned investments can still crash and burn, especially in these "interesting" economic times. Sickening but not criminal (or, more to the point, recoverable).

Exactly CountryMouse... he does receive Soc Sec but that's it! And remember, he still has that staggering mortgage to pay (over $5K a month) so even tho his SSI is really very good, he's still in the red. It's a mess, but it's a mess that needs to be taken away from his grown children and given to an accountant/lawyer/financial planner as CountryMouse has suggested. And yes, I just spoke to him about this conversation I've been having today and he agrees that he MUST remove the POA right away. I mentioned how some of you see what my brother is up to as "criminal" and it was rather insightful for both of us as we've never looked at it quite that way before. My brother MUST be stopped PRONTO!

So dad says he thinks he needs to get home by the end of Feb and I'm pretty sure after I have a chance to talk with my hubby, we can figure out a way to subsidize him on that first leg of him gaining his independence. In the meantime, I'll help him find a financial counselor from the phone directory in the senior community he wants to move to, get him on Skype to have a couple preliminary conversations and hopefully point him in the right direction (freedom from my stupid brother!). That's a start. More suggestions are welcome! And thanks everyone!

To clarify and acknowledge some of the comments left: My brother isn't actually living in my dad's house, but he has chased my dad away and effectively has all the power over my dad's future at this moment. This conversation has shifted my perceptions and by way of me sharing some of this with him, my dad's as well. Both my dad and me now agree that my brother's behavior is outrageous. The best we could come up with is that dad has tried for over 60 years to give his son every chance in the world to live up to all his big talk. My dad wants more than anything for my brother to FINALLY come through on at least ONE plan he DEMANDS will make everyone safe. It's a bit daft, really. And dad can see that when he really pauses and looks at his motivations for giving my brother so much lee-way. Sadly, my brother drops the ball EVERY SINGLE TIME and so I just begged my dad to spare my brother any further humiliation and darn well TAKE HIS FINANCIAL LIFE BACK! He seems on-board. So, this has been really good... thanks all!

About healthcare: No, my dad isn't eligible for a 'carte vitale' or medical card. And his US insurance only covers emergencies while he's traveling overseas. So unless he breaks a leg or needs surgery, my hubby has to pay for everything. It's ok. We don't mind, really. But it's the idea of the thing... in reality, both my brother and sister's spouses are millionaires, but do you think they're asking their significant others to get financially involved? No. And did anyone ask my husband if he could afford this or want to offer it (other than me on the day I got that phone call telling me I was about to have dad come and stay with me)? No. It's all a bit over the top, so it actually makes what my dad has to do next pretty obvious.

Find other things for him to do that will keep him busy, keep him happy and give you an opportunity to gain back control of your home. Look for volunteer senior work, and even a part time job for him, there are many seniors out there working, and it sounds like he's capable. Play into is ego if you have to, to get him to cooperate. Go out and look for places that have seniors working there and pic up an app for him to fill out. It would be much better work for him than rearranging your stuff.

Sounds like it is time for a trip to see the house and make sure the improvements have been made and for you and your father to meet with a realtor to make sure the house is put it on the market. Don't warn your family. Just show up and get it done.

This all sounds very complex but the fact is, you're still in your room hiding. A better idea would be to praise your dad for all the wonderful things he does around the house and find a hobby or friends to go out with - or enroll in a class or activity that takes you away from the house for hours at a time. Start enjoying your life! Pretty soon your dad will start complaining that all chores are left to him. Then you can volunteer to take some off his hands. It's all a matter of attitude. As for the key - talk to the landlord to get permission to have one other key made. Good luck!