My 81 year old Dad has taken over my home and I hide in my room. Any advice?

oh and a power of attorney can easily be revoked by writing a new one and informing your brother in writing that his power of attorney has been revoked and all monies and properties are to be handed over to your father along with all receipts. Pay $25 have it served to him. Sounds like a real ahole.

But you're not a kid any more, and this is your home. Time to turn the tables. While he's living under your roof (where have I heard that phrase before..?), you make the rules. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, you need to find a way to lay down those rules without humiliating him. Yes, he clearly needs useful activity to maintain his self-respect - that's a GOOD thing, find him as much as you can, while reassuring him that he doesn't need to work his fingers to the bone to have your love and respect - he has nothing to prove, as far as you're concerned, about his value as a human being. But you have to take charge. Your house, your rules.

Step 1 - reclaim those keys. If your rental agreement says you can't make copies, I'm pretty sure your landlord won't like the keys not being in your personal safekeeping, either (or at least that's what you tell your Dad!).

What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?

You need to hire an attorney and evict your brother, that simple. Your Dad needs to move back in. That simple. If your brother was selling off your Dads things without written consent, call the police have him arrested. Solves the whole eviction problem. Your Dad should be receiving social security,,,where is it. Federal Crime if your brother is cashing his checks and using the funds. Sounds like your not very legally sophisticated but it also sounds like your brother is a criminal and you guys are just sitting back and letting him rob your father blind.

Gosh, your poor Dad. Poor you. Your poor husband.

Ok. What you've got is a temporary situation - bearable - morphing into a permanent situation - unbearable and unsustainable. Time for a major rethink.

What you have got going for you is a lot of love. Hold tight to that, it will really help.

I'm not going to comment on your siblings' behaviour, my mother told me not to use that sort of language. "Cruel" comes into it, too, though - I think I can safely say that.

The time has come to look ahead. How would it suit you and your husband to make your father a permanent part of your family? If that's a no-no (and for heaven's sake think it through THOROUGHLY between just the two of you, before you say a word to your father), then the next option is finding your father a suitable independent home, choosing it with exceptional care - big subject, would need a lot of detailed discussion.

If it is a possibility, then the big discussion would be what sort of home do the three of you need? No children, is that right? Do you and your husband move home regularly/frequently? Given your father's background, he'd be more adaptable and capable than many men of his age; but do make allowances for advancing age and increasing dependence - look five, ten years ahead.

But the main point is that once you've raised and settled the "is this forever" question, your father will know where he stands. How can he possibly have any sense of security until then? If you attribute a big chunk of his frenetic activity to uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, grief and loss, even fear - all of which would be reasonable in his circumstances - you can see which of his issues are the ones that need addressing most urgently.

And you have to do all this without getting mad at your brother for his brutal rejection, or even calling it what it is. Very tricky. Try to scrub your brothers as options and concentrate on your own and your father's future happiness - plan a whole new route. Best wishes.

Phew.

What country are you in? I'm not making any silly assumptions about resources or facilities even if the "natives" don't speak English! - goodness me is there civilisation beyond..? ;), but it could make a difference to practicalities. Crumbs! You're not in Japan by any chance, are you? Or am I stereotyping again… Anyway, no, not if there no services. Russia… No, I must stop this. No more guesses, promises. Gosh now I'm wondering how embarrassingly wrong I've been.

I suppose one bright spot is that your brother can yell all he likes but you're definitely a safe distance from him. And your father too. He can't hurt either of you any more.

He also can't hurt an accountant. Time for an audit, perhaps, of your father's assets, who has title, what has been spent and where everything is. Your father has capacity, ergo he is the client, ergo an accountant needs only his permission to audit his affairs in full. And I can't see an accountant, no matter how outwardly mousey his or her personality, taking "it's all in my head" for an answer. If you don't know where to source one, see if your husband can ask a colleague to suggest a US contact; otherwise it's down to homework on the internet and searching for a good fit for your requirements.

Meanwhile, ensure that your father has not been strong-armed into setting up any kind of Power of Attorney. If you discover, yikes!, that he has, get it revoked NOW. The aim is to get all control of your father's assets out of your brother's reach, permanently. POA could go to you, but if your father is sufficiently well off it might be more appropriate to appoint a professional: he must get good advice, and choose carefully.

I assume your father has some kind of pension income, no? Strictly speaking, you shouldn't be paying all of his living expenses, and apart from proprieties it can't be doing his ego any good.

So, maybe step one, then, is to help your father get his money sorted out; then he'll feel more comfortable as an active, paying participant in further planning. Depending on where you are, it might be a good idea to schedule a fixed-term visit back to the States and treat this as a project to tie up as many straggly legal and financial ends as you can - don't necessarily expect to have everything sorted out, but break the back of it at least.

I love engineers. They make things work, and don't mess about with irrelevant nonsense. So if the end is "happy secure future for Dad" the rest is a matter of concentrating on the means to it, and any sibling involvement that doesn't contribute wants sweeping aside. Does he like the country you're in? Could he set his mind to learning the language?! - that could keep him out of your hair for a couple of hours a day!

Don't be afraid to be strong. No matter how you felt about her, you're not likely to have escaped your mother's genes entirely; so if you have got the odd personality trait of hers why not turn it round and use it to good effect? Let the occasional glimmer through and your father might even find it reassuring (but don't get carried away!).

Social Security is a monthly benefit, you can't get a one time payout. Something smells fishy here. Social Security is typically either deposited each month in to your bank account or a check is received. He is probably getting on average 2k a month.

Ohhhh FRANCE… Suicides? Oh dear, I hadn't heard. The rivalry may be a national pastime for us Brits - "1000 years of annoying the French" - but I would hate to think they're having that rough a time. We love them really.

Tip for your father: I spent a month on a farm in Burgundy when I was 10. Came home still speaking English only with a beautiful French accent - not quite what my mother had in mind when she sent me, but it seemed to make it easier to be understood!

Do you have EU citizenship yourself? Would that kind of move potentially help with your father's healthcare? Don't envy you all that bureaucracy, though, ouch.

I can understand that your father wouldn't enjoy confronting your brother, but to cancel the limited Power of Attorney he won't have to confront him, just notify him. There's a happy thought.

You watch those ladies at the market, mind they keep off him. Grrrrr.

The one-time payout will have been a lump sum pension pot paid out on the father's retirement and then invested, usually to provide an income. It's not related to state benefits. Sadly, even the best-planned investments can still crash and burn, especially in these "interesting" economic times. Sickening but not criminal (or, more to the point, recoverable).

Exactly CountryMouse... he does receive Soc Sec but that's it! And remember, he still has that staggering mortgage to pay (over $5K a month) so even tho his SSI is really very good, he's still in the red. It's a mess, but it's a mess that needs to be taken away from his grown children and given to an accountant/lawyer/financial planner as CountryMouse has suggested. And yes, I just spoke to him about this conversation I've been having today and he agrees that he MUST remove the POA right away. I mentioned how some of you see what my brother is up to as "criminal" and it was rather insightful for both of us as we've never looked at it quite that way before. My brother MUST be stopped PRONTO!

So dad says he thinks he needs to get home by the end of Feb and I'm pretty sure after I have a chance to talk with my hubby, we can figure out a way to subsidize him on that first leg of him gaining his independence. In the meantime, I'll help him find a financial counselor from the phone directory in the senior community he wants to move to, get him on Skype to have a couple preliminary conversations and hopefully point him in the right direction (freedom from my stupid brother!). That's a start. More suggestions are welcome! And thanks everyone!

EanneNo: If for no other reason, your dad needs to be back in the US where he has healthcare/insurance. Even if he's a vital, healther older man, that could change at any moment. And while I'm getting that you and your husband are comfortable financially, you need to think about your futures as well. No reason that you should be subsidizing your dad while your brother does who knows what with your father's house and possessions. Whether you send in law enforcement, a lawyer, an accountant, send someone with authority to act on your dad's behalf and straighten out your brother.