I think my Dad has caregiver elder rage with my Mom. Any advice?


He works part time but lets the caregiver do whatever..mom is sad. How do I help Mom and Let him know he can get support with out him getting furious with me?

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I agree, firebug, that we need more information. Your dad's anger may not be unusual because he's likely frustrated as well as worn out. He may not have much understanding of the nature of your mom's illness, especially if it's dementia.

It sounds as if there is some caregiving help. We do need to know if your dad is angry at you, your mom or the caregiver. Or if he just angry in general. Is this his normal personality or a big change? Anything you can give us will let us give you more help.

Meanwhile, remember that this isn't your fault. Try to take care of yourself while being the intermediary for your parents.
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I agree we need more information; but, here are a couple of things to pursue in your thinking. He may be trying to do it all and not even be aware how much help and support he needs. Us guys are amazingly adept at going into anger as a coverup for a bunch of other feelings we're struggling with. For example, my own anger in my caregiver burnout covered over a ton of anxiety, guilt and regret, and sadness and grief over gradually losing my wife and our relationship. I had to do lots of physical hauling of her, too, and my back, arms, shoulders and knees were constantly sore. I also was unrealistic in thinking I could still work, play in my band, run, write my books, etc. at the level I had always been doing. I knew I needed help but I didn't realize how badly.
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My father-in-law keeps it all bottled up inside and goes to therapy once a week. He is his wife's primary caregiver and also has to do a lot of lifting, hauling and pushing her around when she's in a wheelchair. After 3 years of keeping it all inside, he recently had a meltdown. His retirement is nothing like he imagined and that's due primarily to his wife's illness. He's never had good coping skills - his wife does - so we all gathered around him and wrote down a list of things that were stressing him out and figured out solutions. Some of the solutions cost money - like hiring an attendant who gets his wife dressed and bathed - others were free - like getting him to go out with a friend while someone stays at home with his wife. Getting him to let go of any part of her care has been an ongoing challenge. But it's important especially as her needs increase and his ability to meet those needs decreases. Your dad needs both professional help and support from you. Don't take his anger personally. Acknowledge it as a symptom of feeling overwhelmed, for example, and break his daily routine down for him into manageable chunks. Identity ways to give him a regular respite. Good luck.
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firebug, can you give us more information? Is your Dad the caregiver, and if so for whom? Is your Mom the caregiver? The caregiver is a paid employee? How old are your parents? What is the medical issue? Do they live at home or with you? Why would your Dad get upset with you?
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firebug, a little more information will help us help you.
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DonWendorf and NYD.inLaw... don't have much time right now, but a thought....
I took care of both parents... and once I had Hospice... we got a "Hoyer-Lift" free, ... well the rented one's wheels were too small, so diff. to go over door ?jams? and eventually I bought one with bigger wheels that worked much better on carpet... but if you have low-nap carpeting even small wheeled Hoyer-lifts will allow you to roll the patient into the support cloth to which you attach the lift and then can activate the handle to lift them into a sitting position, move them over a wheel chair, or over the bedside-commode, so get the cloth-insert that has a bottom-hole in it and lower them over the commodet, detach the lift from the cloth... do whatever... over the commode you may not even have to move the lift, and when done [ with other chores] hook the lift back up to the cloth, and maneuver the patient in the lift back into bed... unhook lift... roll patient to one side - fold cloth under the patients back, cover it with a soft cloth, or pongy material in case their back is sensitive to the cloth insert, roll them to the other side and the cloth can be removed ........ I did not have the strength to lift my parents about... the lift made the whole difference... for 3 years... I actually still have the thing... and the lift also had an insert the allow lowering them onto a chair at the edge of the bathtub... Dad just scooted over a bit and I or the Aide could shower him off ... !!! I can't remember if a doctor's Rx was needed to get the lift... but you can find that out from the place that rents them in your town, or from Social Services .... wish you all well !
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Who does your Dad get angry with? You? Because he doesn't feel you support him enough? Do you have someone staying with your Mom while Dad works? Is Mom sad because she feels alone? The caregiver doesn't do anything to help Mom from whose perception? I'm sorry but we all need to understand the situation better.
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As a former Hospice Nurse and now involved in the senior care industry and having been doing this for many years now it sounds like your dad is burnt out! He is tired and feels unable to meet all the needs of your Mom what ever they may be.

He needs to know there is help out there and support for him. He may feel a lot of conflict at not being able to manage it all himself. You need to remember that generation was self reliant and very proud.

He needs support, he needs to also be around others. He may no longer be able to manage the home, the cooking, the demands of taking care of Mom and he is both feeling guilty and saddened at his inability and frustrated as well at the life and hand he was delt. This is a frequent problem in his age group.

He may also be worried about his finances and inability to pay for care required to meet those needs and feels guilty. Aging can be very strenuous and taxing to both the body and finances.

There are alternatives to get help. The most cost effective one is hiring a personal
Caregiver to come in the home. It is the least costly of all alternatives except when family can provide that option.

Remind him he needs to also Care for Himself and his needs. He can't do a good Job if he himself is always stressed and anxious he needs personal time for Himself to get reenergized for the battle he faces. He also needs to be around others his own age to share with and support each other.

Your next option is home health agencies or even independent living properties which are designed to offer social needs as well as limited assistance and support for specific needs they may have.
It also may give him the opportunity to engage her as much as possible with others her age and like interests allowing her to fulfill her own needs for social interaction and support.

If Mom needs a lot of assistance it may be time to consider assisted living as an option for them

There is many kinda of support out there it really depends on their willingness and ability to accept some limited help or if they require more hands on assistance.

If I were there I would simply sit down with dad and have a frank loving discussion and give options and offer solutions which might meet his current needs.

Remember he is a proud Man who always took good care of you all. He just needs aw help to make the right decisions for the issues at hand currently

Best wishes and prayers your direction.
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Educating dad on options is key, like others have said. Too many people are stuck with old information that hasn't been true in decades about senior living options. It's not stay home OR go to the county hospital to die. That was true a very long time ago. Many people of a certain generation were terrified of being sent away to an institution. They remember seeing their granny there, catatonic, all frozen up in a ball, making unintelligible noises, yelling, and drooling. That sight was probably traumatic to the core.

If you can get dad more help at home, you can get him out of the house to tour other choices. Look at places that can meet mom's needs now and later. Be gentle with dad. By now he *has* to be thinking to himself that he can't keep on like this, even if he won't admit it out loud. He's not getting any younger either.

Where my mom is, there are several couples who live there. One spouse might be in the independent apartments and the other in the 24/7 care wing, but they can eat meals together, sit together, and basically be together as much as they want. There is one gentleman who is 93+ and he lives in the independent unit. Every day he puts on a suit and tie, lapel pin, and good shoes, to walk down some hallways to visit his wife in the care unit. He takes her to services when she can go. It's a beautiful thing to see. He can focus on being her love and friend because he doesn't have to do the lifting, washing, moving, changing, and endless grunt work involved with caregiving. I wonder how their relationship would be different if they were trying to force it to work at their home.
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