I have been my Dad's POA for both healthcare and finances. He is getting a divorce from his wife and had no place to live. My sisters and I cannot and will not let him live with any of us. Our husbands say NO. My dad cannot take care of himself. He is 78 years old and has dimentia. I put him in a nursing home and he hated it. He checked himself out against drs. and my wishes. He then ended up on her doorstep and later in jail with a no contact order out on him. He can't barely walk without his walker and doesn't know anything about the 13 meds he takes. He says he will live in a motel room but has no money until divorce is settled in Oct. She wants him to have nothing and just go to nursing home and live on Medicaid. I think an assisted living would be best for him, but he cannot afford one right now and he smokes. I put him in a nursing home for now until the divorce is over. He agreed and went there. After 1 week he was calling me to bring him his car and let him go live in a motel room. I contacte his dr. and took him in for a visit to see what the dr. said. He said no to living alone and no driving until he has taken a driving test to prove he was a safe driver. He calls me every other day and says to come and get him out of there. It is a nice home and he has made friends there, even a girl friend. He changes his mind every day about things and doesn't make sense with what he says. Then he makes statements about just getting a gun and shooting her and then himself. I cannot take him out of the nursing home and let him go with no place to live, no one to give him his pills, and not safe to drive on the roads. Now his lawyer called me and said he fired me and is having paperwork drawn up so I am no longer his power of attorney. He says it is all my fault his is in the nursing home. After his divorce is final and he gets part of her wealth, he could go to an assisted living and maybe be happy there. I just cannot get him to have patience and wait until Oct. What can I do? He needs a POA from our family and no one else will have anything to do with him. Any ideas would be appreciated. I am just about to have a break down myself!
It sounds like your father has had a lifetime of poor judgment and bad behavior. He has managed to alienate his children (excpet you), their spouses, his sister, and at least one wife. That kind of pervasive and intense rejection is not created by a few poorly chosen words spoken in anger. This guy has been pushing people away for a lifetime. There are consequences to that kind of behavior.
It is greatly to your credit that you are hanging in there and trying to do what is best for him. I think you need to recognize and accept your limitations in that regard. He fired you as POA. His doctor and his lawyer think he is competetent to make such decisions. Continue to visit him, if you like, but for your own sake, practice some letting go. You mention feeling at the edge of a nervous breakdown. Please get some counselling. You deserve support and understanding and help in sorting out what you can/should try to control and what you need to let go of.
Best wishes to you in this painful struggle.
Dad is gonna do what Dad is gonna do. Which is ... what? If he has no money, how is he going to check into a motel? None of his children will take him in. His wife is not going to take him in. Where is he going to go?
Has the doctor reported him to the DMV, so that his recommendation against driving has some legal basis? Has his license been revoked, pending a driving test?
Have you reported his threats of homicide and suicide to his doctor? To the police?
I know that Adult Protective Services tries to protect vulnerable adults from exploitation, abuse, etc. from other people. I don't know what they do regarding vulnerable adults who are a threat to themselves. I think I would give them a call. Explain that you have been trying to protect your father from his own mental impairments but that now you have no authority. You are afraid of him winding up on the street. He needs help with his medications and he shouldn't be driving. He talks about killing his wife and himself. Ask their advice. Even if this is not a situation they would get involved in, perhaps they can suggest a course of action for you.
My heart goes out to you. Although he doesn't realize it, your dad is lucky to have someone as concerned about him as you are. (And, of course, it is NOT your fault he is in a nursing home.)
See All Answers