Why does my Dad fear going to the bathroom on the toilet, instead will go in his pants?


My father has Alzheimer's, for about two years now, he's lived with his gf for 20 years, i lived many miles from him and decide to go down for my fathers bd. And called my aunt to make sure he would be home, because his gf changed there # my aunt called and said that his gf was putting him in a nursing home and if i wanted a fight i got one, i let my aunt know that i was my father next to kin and over my dead body was she going to do this to him. .i went down anyways and he sat in a dark room watching old movies over and over again, i ask him if he new who i was and he did, then ask if he like to come live with me , he then said yes that he didn't want a nursing home, so i let him know i would be back the following weekend cause i did have room for him and his belongings and set a room up for him, ,when i went back he pushed me out the way said he didn't know me and don't want to go with me that he wanted a nursing home, ,i ask his gf what mediation he was taking and she informed me she took him off it cause she didn't think it was helping him, ,,i then went back home and called adult services they went down there they talk to him his girlfriend tried butting in they asked her to step back and continued to talk to my father you said he wanted to come live with me then they had called me and told me to go pick him up and then drove back down there when I got there my father was very thin he could not use the bathroom he was not showered he had BM caked to the bottom of his feet to his legs open cut on his thumb that was full of pus he could not drink out of a cup he could not feed himself he cannot use a fork or spoon he pooped his pants he would take it out and set in different places when I asked her for his belongings she gave me a box 3 pairs of sweats 3 t-shirts some socks and underwear she did not have no medication for him except for the one bottle that she had filled that day she gave me a list of what to feed him which consists of corn flakes in the morning for breakfast Top Ramen for lunch and hotdogs for dinner and a Apple it took three of us to get him in the vehicle he was very weak very confused.
I've had my father for 2 months and 1 week and in that time his weight has gone from 147 to 174 he can eat off a spoon and a fork he can drink out of a cup he can get in and out of a vehicle ,he gets in and out of the shower just needs help with his backside. I've got him a new Dr and he's very please with the difference in my father, the Dr wanted to have my father go to daycare because i work full time an assisted living for the elderly for 10 years now ,my father refuses therapy.
My boyfriend is layed off every winter so he cared for my father for a few months but now is back to work, the dr.says he can never be left unattended and the only one my father would ask for every day would be me , he is very comfortable with me so I've had a lot of. paid time off so decided to take this week off and next week until I can come up with some kind of plan to care for my father where I'm at work none of his insurance is paying for home health aides to come in and when I discussed this with him he refused so now I'm left with having to quit my job and take care of my father full time it breaks my heart because I know he enjoys being around me because he laughs a lot and we talk, about a month ago he was remembering a lot from his past like people he hadn't seen in 30-40 years like my mother he knew right off who she was but I've noticed in the last few weeks he's not remembering any of that anymore and I've noticed he starts to get angry at other people , when it comes time to go to the bathroom he starts breathing really hard shaking and he refuses to sit on a toilet so he B M in his pants. And Starts to shake when i clean him, i keep reassuring him that it's okay and his breathing will slow down I've had to go out and buy him all new clothes and I dealt with the little box that she had given me even though after 67 years that's all he had to show for a very hard worker make good money then what really topped it off is when I put a change of address in for my father within the last 2 years there has been more things ordered from catalogs and online things and bills and bills and bills coming here in my father's name for lawnmowers sheds air conditioners microwaves big items I called his girlfriend and asked her about these things and as for his other belongings , she informed me he did not need them I informed her that she needs to pay these bills she is since then moved within the last 2 months, i informed his dr. There's so much more to this story that is just heart wrenchingbut I was just wondering if there's anything or any kind of suggestion I could do to work some therapy on my father or teach him how to use the bathroom, I'm letting go of my job of 10 years which is very heart wrenching for me, but I can't leave my father he looks like an empty shell ,that's starting to fill his soul again with life,

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Have grab bars installed if not already done. Have the doctor put in for Occupational Therapy they will work with him and show you the best ways to get him on and off the toilet/in the shower and some other ideas. Have his doctor order it through Medicare.Yes, a soft toilet seat may make a big difference especially with all the weight loss he had. Bless you for taking care of your dad and good luck!
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Josie, please read this link that I found here on Aging Care about the different stages of Alzheimer's... this will give you a better idea of what you will be up against regarding the different stages. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Stages-of-Alzheimers-disease-118964.htm

It is great that you work as a caregiver at an assisted living facility, so you know about helping.... but when it comes to dealing with someone with Alzheminer's, especially a parent, it's a whole different ballgame.

As for the bathroom accidents, sounds like it is time to buy Dad some Depends... hopefully he will wear them, some men refuse.

As for the catalog ordering, who is doing that? Your Dad or his former girlfriend? Either way, time to cancel that credit card.
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Well, if the MD says he can't be left alone you,or a paid person has to be with him. The girlfriend cannot be compelled to pay his bills or pay for his care. If he was a wartime veteran, the VA can help him.
Contact Medi-Cal and see what aid he is eligible for . Call your county office of the aging too. If you can afford to get a bidet attachment for the toilet, he might actually like it if it has warm water. For my sister, we got the plastic raised seat and the warm water faucet bidet. She liked both.
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