My elderly Dad with limited mobility and dementia has been living with my stepsister and her husband for the last 5 years as they have taken great care of him. My stepsister is battling cancer and my Dad needs help walking and wakes several times in the night, seems to have his days/nights mixed up. Needless to say, this is not fair to my stepsister and she is exhausted. After talking about him moving to a home for several months, on Sunday, Dec. 21, they checked him into a home. Due to Covid, the home went into quarantine and we were unable to visit with my Dad. So, 4 days later, after him crying and pleading with my stepsister to get him out, she took him out of the home. He now seems angry and says he will not be going back to the home and that it feels like jail. My stepsister cannot take care of him anymore. Do you think we need to wait until the quarantine is over to take him back so that at least we can visit him during the day to help ease the transition?
Your poor step sister did make a tragic, but very understandable mistake by removing him.
Your father needs SAFETY above all, and stability. Your step-sister candidly has admitted that she is unable to deal with his care.
HER NEEDS are presently more pressing than your dads. If you have any chance to do so, FIND out if the facility is Covid Free and if it is return him.
Then ask the social worker at the facility how THEY want you to manage his emotional reactions. If they say to stay away for a few days, DO THAT.
I told the staff when we placed my LO to allow her to call me if she got upset, and I would speak to her briefly on the phone most of the time when she called, although if the calls became too frequent I didn’t always answer.
Adjustment to residential care is very often MUCH harder for the loving caregivers at home than for the resident. Do NOT let your sister back down.
Hopes and encouragement to you both.
Would you trust him to make other important decisions in his life or yours? Why this one?
And Assisted Living is not the best place for someone with dementia. Memory Care is better suited. the staff in MC knows better how to deal with some of the problems associated with dementia. And in AL he is not confined. He could decide to go for a walk and get lost, or try to get "home". MC is generally locked wings so that the residents are in a more controlled area and they can be monitored.
Until the virus is under control he will be in quarantine as a precaution. And anytime you take him out to go for a drive, go to lunch when he returns he will go back into quarantine. This now, is a fact of life and it is something that we need to get used to for the foreseeable future.
It's SUCH a pity that your stepsister caved in. Sets the most calamitous precedent. But it's no good crying over spilt milk, the question is what to do now.
What options have you all as a family explored? It sounds as though stepsister's main need is for caregiving support overnight. Expensive but possible, is that something you've considered?
The ideal, if you choose to accept such a mission, is that you play bad cop and place your father firmly back in the facility. Only this time, the line to stick to is that this is RESPITE during stepsister's treatment and recovery, that there is no alternative, and that as long as stepsister has a chance to get better it may not be a permanent move for him*.
Are you up for the challenge?
*Make no promises, mind.