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His POA, Will, etc. and is listing her 100% beneficiary on all financial investments, bank accounts etc. She is spending 1000.00's of dollars on herself. He keeps saying he wants to assign me executor but I think she talks him out of it. I just want there to be money left for him to be able to take care of himself down the road, he is not in good shape right now and its going to get worse. Can't talk to him about it because he gets mad so we don't discuss it, he's 80 she's 58 and married to someone else. Just need some advice. Thanks

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Given that this affair has been going on since 2002 and she has been spending thousands of dollars on herself, I would imagine his money is close to being entirely gone unless he just has an incredible amount. The fact that her husband knows and evidently doesn't care makes me wonder about him having his own affair.

It may be too late as far as how much money is already gone and how much is left, but I would see a lawyer now and see how you can stop this gold digger. You need a court ruling for an emergency guardianship for your dad which you can get if you dad's doctor thinks he's incompetent. Have you told his doctor about this woman and her spending his money and being on his accounts? If not take him back to his doctor tor an up to date evaluation so the doctor can write a letter about him being incompetent and please tell the doctor about your dad before the appointment.
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Always - does your father understand that giving his gf all that money will make him ineligible for Medicaid- should he run out of money and need medical care, including a nursing home if that were to become necessary?
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The more I think about this, I can't help but say to me the 20 year age difference isn't the big thing.... it's the fact that this relationship has been going on for 14 years and just now the family is wondering about Dad and his relationship with a married woman.
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This affair is not due to his dementia -- and it has been going on 14 years! Competent adults are entitled to make their own decisions about such things, even very bad decisions that are against their best interests. The affair is his business, not yours.

You are right to be concerned about his finances, because you naturally want him to be able to take care of his needs into the future, and now that he has dementia he may need some help arranging that.

But don't worry about who the beneficiary is for anything. That has nothing to do with money while he is living.

I suggest you and Dad consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law, to get his affairs in order to his best advantage. If he wants to continue to allow his companion to spend his money he should know what impact that might have on Medicaid if he should need that. A lawyer is an objective third party and may be listened to more seriously than to his adult child. If you intend to continue to be caregiver, a lawyer can also set up an agreement so that you can be paid for that service.
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Something I wondered is if the husband knows about the affair and is okay with it, is he somehow benefiting from the money. I smell a rat... or maybe two of them. I don't know many men who are willing to share their wives like this without some type of benefit coming from it.
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I don't really think the affair is any of the adult kids' business. It would be different if some golddigger dropped into Dad's life when he started showing signs of dementia, but this is long-standing relationship. It also doesn't matter why the other husband is OK with this. Maybe he is gay the marriage is a sham. Maybe he doesn't believe in divorce and has been living with another woman for twenty years. Maybe he is nuts. I don't see how that matters.

Dad is doing what he wants to do, and he has been doing it for a long while in his "right mind." The how and why is nobody's business.

Alwayshelping, you mention beneficiary and executor. Both of these are about what happens after Dad dies. So that is a concern about what you will inherit. I suggest you focus you assistance on ensuring he has enough money while he is alive.
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Your profile says that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia.... just it is time for you or someone else in the immediate family to take over Dad's finances. Dad will need to assign a "financial Power of Attorney" for this to happen if Dad is still of clear mind most of the time.

Make up some excuses like the bank accounts have been compromised and new accounts need to be made.... and that the beneficiary needs to be a relative... say whatever you think Dad would believe. It's called a "therapeutic lie" which many of us have to use when an elder. I had to use a therapeutic lie on my Dad to get him to update his Power of Attorney which was older then dirt.

Curious, how is this girlfriend getting into your Dad's accounts if she is only listed as a beneficiary.... "beneficiary" gets the money upon the person's death. Is she allowed to sign your Dad's checks? If yes, hopefully the checks aren't listed as "John Jones or Girlfriend Smith" [yes, the "or" is part of the imprint]. Or is your Dad paying her bills where she uses her own credit card?
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If she is beneficiary on all accounts, they will pass to her outside of probate. It really won't matter who the Executor is, unless there is a house that is sold after he dies. You can check to see whose name is on the house at your local assessor's office.
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Alwayshelping, is your Dad concerned about money? Does he worry if there will be enough money to even pay for a co-pay if he needs to go into the hospital, or if he needs to buy things to help him get around. Or is he in denial about his age and health?

Sometimes one would need to use tough love in times like this. Tell Dad you found his bank statement on his desk and it looks like he is down $5k or whatever is a good shock effect. "Dad, I think someone stealing from your bank account." "If this keeps up, Dad, we will need to cancel the TV cable service", and whatever else you think is very important to your Dad. "Sell the car", etc.

My Dad was the opposite, he would hold onto a dime for dear life. But Dad was under the impression that Social Security was paying for his agency caregivers. What a shock when he found out "no", it came from his own pocket. Then he went into a money panic mode.
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jeannegibbs that's my main concern his future expenses. yes the husband knows. No I don't care about who gets what I'm not that kind of person. I've watched her spending for years now. We discussed when the day came and he needed help he asked me to please not put him in a nursing home and asked if I would take care of him, and of course I will take care of him and no I wouldn't want or ask for pay for taking care of my dad. It'll all work out. Hopefully. Thank you everyone for your answers to my question I'm a worrier about the future
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