My dad does not always remember Mom passed away. How do I handle it?

I would just tell him that she's OK and doing fine. When I was 17 and started working as a nurses' aide in the nursing home, we had a patient who always asked for her husband. I had been trained to try and re-orient people, so I gently told her that Harry was dead. Oh my goodness, that was a big mistake! It was like it had just happened instead of 10 yrs prior. Fortunately, I had a great nurse who didn't reprimand me, she just explained that there are times when honesty is not the best policy! After that, when she asked multiple times a day, we would say he was doing chores, or he'd gone to the grocery store, or he was doing errands and then she would say, OK. I think you are doing the best you can, and don't ever feel bad about how you are handling the situation. Try for some neutral responses and see if that will satisfy him. You may need to say the same thing over and over, it's just part of the disease process. My prayers for you for strength and compassion and for him for peace.

Thanks Madtoe, Yes, it was very hard on to me to  lie - almost killed me to lie! So sometimes I will say she's alive because she's alive in heaven. And sometimes he is remembering on his own that she has passed. Sometimes I just change the subject when he asks if she has passed away and other times I say yes. I don't want to tell him every hour she is dead.... that's too hard to see him crying all day, not to mention it's hard on him.  Actually a few minutes ago Dad asked if we were altogether when she passed away.....  and how it might be in heaven.
How is your Dad doing Madtoe?  I think Dad is doing pretty good thus far.  I'm glad we can go outside to pick raspberries, and then my Dad  will do a bit of yard work while I water the plants.   

No, just tell him the truth when he asks again. It's happening with my dad just recently.

I told my brother, and sent him an email of how I feel and why, and I sent some of your helpful responses too. Thank you again for all your help and compassion. God bless.

Well, I did not talk to my brother. Today I told Dad Mom was in the hospital. Man it's hard telling him she is still alive. When he said Mom has passed right? and I said "no she is in the hospital: he said that he must have had a dream it then. Now he is asking questions about Mom, what is wrong with her? does she know us when we visit her? does she walk around at all in the hospital? does she know she's in the hospital? and how long has she been there? have to try and change the subject.... but he always comes back to that so far, and it's just been 1/2 hour.  :(

My mother died about 6 years ago now, and over the last two years, Dad started to forget that she had died. For a while we could gently remind him that she had died, and he'd say, "Oh, that's right, I forgot" and be sad. He eventually forgot to the point that reminding him would cause him to grieve all over again. So when he asks "Where's Mom?", we now say "she's out" or "I haven't seen her" and redirect him. It is too painful to have him relive the grief, and it would be a recurring event if we were to tell him each time he asks that she has died. He is living at a memory care ALF now (they are WONDERFUL), and he sometimes wanders the halls at night looking for his wife's room. They gently guide him back to bed in those cases.

Thank you everyone for your kind caring, answers. They remind me of what I learned about Alzheimers. I keep thinking of what Dad has as so different than Mom. What you are saying is similar to what I learned to say to Mom.... your Dad is in the garden when of course he passed, but it was too hard for her to hear he had passed. It was called living in her reality, so it did not seem a lie, although ya it was.
What you are all saying makes so much sense, although the thought comes to me that Dad is not like Mom, he knows who I am... but his dementia has only got worse after this event, not better. I was thinking, oh he's improving, he remembered this morning Mom passed, after he got up, and yesterday too! wow! BUT by afternoon he cannot remember. You are right, I am grieving all over again with my Dad all day long. It's tough for the most part but must be 100 times worse for him!

I am going to talk this over with my younger brother and hopefully I can convince him we need to stop telling him that Mom has passed on. I have been with Dad almost 5 weeks daily, (Mom passed over a week ago) and something has changed, today he said, "did I go to work today? " I told him, "No, Dad you are retired" he never asked that before. Sure he forget things and some people, but knows most of us kids, having a bit of trouble with the one he rarely saw and he never used to mind he had forgotten stuff. I'm old he said, but it's almost "killing him" now each time he finds out that he has forgotten she has passed. in an agonizing voice "how could I have forgot that?"
It's like he feels like he has betrayed the one he loves so dearly.

Thank you grandma1954 for your reply. I will discuss your solution with my younger brother as it is I and myself who will have to decide how to proceed. My Dad’s memory, since I first posted, seems to be declining because he misses Mom so much.
I love your idea of recording what he says. He never used to talk of his past because it was too hard for him, now he shares. Today I found the first video I made with my camera, it’s of my Mom, Dad and my uncle who passed also this year. It was so nice to see them on camera talking even though it was short
(I will respond to other comments soon, I am multitasking)

Sometimes, the kindest thing to do is lie. If she worked outside the home, say she's working late, or out grocery shopping. There's no benefit in continuously grieving.
I am sorry for what you are going through.

polar bear 123 If you are hoping that your father will eventually remember that your mother has died I would dare to say this won't happen. He will continue to lose memories, and is certainly not likely to remember recent events, even one as significant as this. It is so difficult to accept the ravages of this awful disease. The kindest and most loving thing you can do from now on is, as has been said, simply make something up to comfort him, even agreeing that she is still in hospital, or you will both continue to grieve.
You have my heartfelt prayers for both you and your father as you travel this sad difficult path with so many of us. ❤️ 🙏

I went to a seminar on eldercare and dementia and the geriatric specialist encouraged the attendees not to answer those type of very emotionally charged questions with the obvious answers but to rather say, "She's not home right now but you'll see her soon." This is a kinder, gentler and more effective way of responding to any question that a patient with dementia poses including questions about other relatives or past events that might trigger a negative or sorrowful response.

Mom outlived all her many brothers, her sister and their spouses, some of her nieces and nephews, and her husband and son. I could no longer face the litany of explaining about the two dozen people whom she loved and knew, and who were gone when she asked me about each one, nor seeing her pain as I explained about each one.  Finally, I wrote a history for her that covered the time since my father passed in 2006, her time in her home after that, then in our home, then in her memory care facility. I told her about each of relatives who died and assured her that she attended their wakes and funerals. I also told her about how her grandchildren grew and what they were doing now (as college students and graduates), and about her great-grand children. She could read this every day and bring her mind up-to-date. I was surprised that she could digest all of this with interest (which was written in an entertaining style though it covered the hard stuff as well), and did not seem to be upset. Mom thanked me often for this history. There did come a time when she no longer read it, and I left off adding to it. Mom passed in early 2017, having survived everyone but the three of her friends, her children and their friends, and her grand- and great-grandchildren.

The problem is if you keep answering your father that your mother is deceased it will continue to cause him much anguish. The point is since your father doesn't remember you will have to keep telling him his wife is no longer alive. In the world of Alzheimer's and dementia care, there is a concept called "therapeutic sharing of misinformation". To reduce his stress simply tell him that his wife isn't home right now and redirect the conversation to something else or get him involved in an activity. Many folks prefer to not use this technique because they feel they are lying to their loved one. The truth of the matter is that it is one of a variety of creative techniques that can be used in the best interest of therapeutic memory care that reduces anxiety and frustration for the demented. It can also reduce your stress levels when you don't have to continually tell you father that his wife is deceased. Blessings for what you do!!

I love that you sing and pray and talk of her; your mom and his life partner. Keep it up. My mom has vascular dementia and has been widowed 51 years, but she talks of Dad like he's still with her. Sometimes he's in the kitchen fixing breakfast. Now, I only respond to her with the truth when she asks where he is. Truth is, he's in heaven waiting for her. This brings my 94 year old mom such hope which leads us back to singing, prayer and celebrating him.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for you having to deal with not only your own grief but your Dad's as well. Even in the midst of her decline, my mom always remembered that my dad had passed. However, as she declined, she began to say she wanted to go back and live with her parents.

There is no time limit on grief and no "one way" to grieve. Even when she was still well, my mom would tear up over Dad 15 years later. We did not grieve together, and in some ways I resent that. I wish we could have cried and prayed together and shared memories of my dad. But mom became "little girl lost" when Dad died and dumped all her grief and anger at his passing on me.

As you are doing, continue to grieve with your Dad. Celebrate and enjoy his lucid moments. My most memorable and enjoyable times with Mom in Memory Care were when she told stories about her life. Maybe during the sad times, you could bring up something endearing Mom did, a vacation they took, etc. good luck and hugs to you.

Dear Polarbear, As for your father, focus on reassuring him that his wife is fine. She's safe, and if he needs to hear it, that she'll be here soon. Enjoy photos and memories together as if she'll be walking in the door at any moment, not gone.

But while you are reassuring him, don't neglect to take care of your own grief. I hope you have people in your life to help you through that. Peace be with you!

When my FIL moved to a SNF and eventually a memory unit within the facility he would ask where MIL (she had passed several years earlier) was and why she had not visited. We would find a simple reason why. He might then ask about his parents and did they know where he was. His mother died when he was 5 and he moved in with the school teacher. We assured him they knew where he was and were watching over him. His big concern was that he would need to find a job and a new place to live when he was better and we told him that the family (he had 5 surviving children) would make sure he always had a place to live. By the time he was moved into the memory unit most of these questions stopped and he was just happy to see whoever visited. Strangely he had a hard time recognizing his children but when I visited he always knew who I was. We did bring him home once for Christmas dinner just a few months after he moved to the SNF. He was scared and confused did not know who the people were and where he was. As I was sitting with him after dinner he asked if this was where he & his wife used to live and hoped that maybe one day his children would get to see it. Two of his daughters and his SIL still lived in the farmhouse. After that we arranged with the SNF to use a conference room and celebrate his birthday and holidays there with him. It was much better for everyone.

During my visits with my LO in Memory Care, I will take selfies of us. I then show it to my LO and she smiles, but, she doesn't know who the people in the photo are. One day she said that her image was her brother. She doesn't have a brother. I just smile.  We still have good visits, even though her perceptions of who people are has declined.  

My husband has ALZ and does not remember being married or having children but will always ask how his sister who is 91 is doing and how his mother is. I just say they are fine and he just says "oh that's good" and at the next visit the same question and answer. What a strange disease. He does not ask about his brother that died or his father. I see no reason to confuse him even more.

I now realize that hardly anybody in all of humanity is free from dramas of this nature. My sister passed at 47. My father died two years later after having suffered two strokes in result of her loss. My mother is still hanging around, God knows where she finds the strength.
After she passed, my father's memory also began to play tricks on him. He had many moments that he would ask us why she hasn't been saying anything (she lived in Ontario, he lived in Montreal). We would simply make something up not to make him hurt even more. It was bad enough when he did remember and he cried in his death bed where he was trapped in his body until he started to decompose before he even passed (last month).
It was, and still is, so sad and so very difficult. There isn't much we can do about it except to try to accept that we are practically helpless in these situations. The only thing we can do is give our loved ones comfort and try to help them in whichever way we can.
We cannot feel guilt, it's not our fault.
All the best!

If I were you when he asks if his wife is away or in the hospital I would just go with that.
It seems sad for him to loose his wife over and over and that is what is happening in his mind.
If he asks to go visit her, tell him that she can not have visitors just yet or gently change the subject.
Ask how they met...where they went on a date...what was the wedding like...where did they go on their honeymoon there are all sorts of things that you might learn.

Will this change..maybe. 
As he declines he will begin to loose verbal skills.  And you do not know when that may happen.  So talk now, record what you can.  And when he repeats things over and over while it may be annoying now remember there may be a time when you will long to hear his voice even if it would be to ask the same questions over and over. 

Thank you Molly, your words are a comfort to me.

Thank you so much for sharing. I think that you found a perfect way to comfort her telling her that her parents are living in her heart, for they are always a part of us. I hope your cousin keeps her memories of childhood, they are precious memories to her. She is blessed to have you. I think deep down she knows you, it's a precious memory in her heart.

And polarbear123, my sympathies on the loss of your dear mother.

I think with time, your father will accept that your mother has passed. I think you're handling things very well.

That's so sad. My mother does the same thing, asking about my dad who passed in 2011. Typically she will say, "Have you seen your father?" and we'll respond that we haven't and try to redirect her. She asks about him less now. I think she is living more and more in her own mind these days. I agree with Sunnygirl; if she's living in the past, I hope my mom can hang onto those memories and continue to do so.

It sounds heartbreaking. I know that my cousin, who has profound dementia, still remembers her parents. She has forgotten most everything else, including names, personal history, etc., but, she does recognize me as someone who loves and comforts her AND her parents. I will show her their photos and she says who they are. Back when she was more verbal, she told me that she wasn't sure if they were still living or not. I told her that they were living in our hearts and she seemed okay with that. Sometimes, when she is tired, she will call out, Mommy and Daddy. Her psychiatrist says that she has reverted back to her earliest memories from childhood. If it brings her comfort, I hope she will retain those memories.