Dad died and mom still living at home. Any advice?

Also, in spite of everything else, she’s 90. She may be having a bit of dementia (suddenly not liking turnips) and depression (loss of spouse) going on and realizing her own mortality is not too far off given her age. This is in no way meant to suggest you continue to enslave yourself to her demands. Just possible explanations of her more recent behavior. Do what’s best for you. She may also be realizing since you’re the last child standing that when she’s gone, you will get whatever assets are left. Considering how you describe her feelings about you, perhaps this bothers her. Don’t know, but based on how my own mother looked at things, it could be a reason as well.

Pure and simple, and this will sound insensitive, but if your marriage is to last and you want peace as you say, help mom get admitted to assisted living if affordable or skilled nursing home. Enough said!

Stop the madness, you deserve better. You are not a victim, but rather a volunteer.

Ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate her for Assisted Living and then books yourself a vacation.

I sound like a broken record. But I’m going to say it again.

You cannot make her happy. But you can keep her safe.

If you think her her problems are serious enough to warrant dropping everything and driving 3 hours now, what happens when they become more frequent? How often will you make that drive? Why would you want her to move in? Especially if you want peace? The crises won’t subside. If she lives with you, the crises may progress to the point where you are not “allowed” to be out of her sight. Are you prepared for that?

What happens if you dodge a crisis call? Does she solve it herself?

Sounds like you’d better help her move into a supported living system, closer to you. But not WITH you.

If you’re doing all of this with the hope that she’ll finally express her love and appreciation for you, trust me, she won’t. It’s a painful truth to face.

Something I had to learn with my own mother is to set boundaries. If there is a legitimate reason for you to go to her or bring her to you is one thing, but you need to make it clear that you will not be at her becon call whenever she feels like you should be.

I am sorry for your troubles and the loss of your father. You have a lot of loss in your life and I encourage you to get some counselling for yourself. Sometimes we have the wrong idea about counselling but a good counselor will listen and assist you in how to deal with the situation. Relationships are difficult even during good conditions so you have my empathy. It is good you will "do anything" so don't get discouraged because all of you deserve peace (including your mom).

itisuptome: Perhaps this dynamic will not work since your mother "hates you." Your family is your priority; your mother will have to opt for facility living. Condolences on the loss of your father.

These panic attacks are probably due to her loss! Her husband just died and it is not that unusual. It does not sound like things are working out there, so the best thing to do is simply TALK to your mother.

Do not assume your mother hates you. People often mistake this when it is not you they hate, but more likely they just hate the predicament they are in.

Ask your mother what she would like to do and how you feel as well. Explain to her what you explained here. You are willing to do anything to help her, but feel she is unhappy and may be even resentful to you.

If she is able to care for herself, it is most likely best to let her go back home. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't visit her. Instead of rushing over every single time, see if just talking on the phone can help.

If she is not able to care for herself, you can help her set up in-home care. If she can not afford it, there are programs to help with that too. We have one called IRIS here.

You have a good heart! I believe you will find the right answer for both you and your mom! Don't give up! I bet deep down your mom loves you far more than you realize.

God Bless you and your family!

My dad (87) also lived ~3 hours from me, had just lost his wife (caretaker) of 50 years and had dementia.

I didn't see this as an option anyone threw out there, but if it looks like she really shouldn't be living alone any more (maybe even just due to memories) you may wish to check locally to see if there are any adult family homes near where you live. I live in Washington state, and they are everywhere! They have typically 2 care givers and only 5-6 residents, so she would be able to talk with others, and have more one-on-one care.

Where I live it was a little (not much) less than assisted living, but they (the ones I called, at least) allowed transition to medicare for 100% of their residents so long as they co-pay for 2 years.

If she's in a nearby adult family home you can go visit her on occassion, or even have her over for lunch or dinner on the weekend, and not have to drive to tim-buc-tu to do it. The adult family home I had my dad in accepted normal cognitive functioning adults all the way through dementia...they had different homes to move them to if they needed lockdown due to mid or later stage dementia. (this particular business had 25 homes, so they had a range of facilities to meet all needs).

Maybe this would work better than assisted living, as it may well be closer to you, be a little more informal, and they are in houses, so less institutional feeling.

I agree with the others...she should not come to live with you...it will be way too stressful for everyone.

My mantra was "I'm not giving up my future, for your present". I'm not saying don't help, and don't care, but DO have healthy boundaries, like the others said. Not just you, but your husband and kids deserve that.

Good luck!

I suspect she has some anxiety disorder and maybe some other health challenges. Please get your mom evaluated by a doctor. She may need referrals to a psychiatrist and neurologist to determine if she has dementia as well as identifying/treating a mental health issue. Please remember that medications for mental health issues take awhile (weeks) to be effective and usually require adjusting doses and trying different to get the right regimen for her.

Talk with her doctor about whether or not your mom is competent to live at home on her own. She may have reached the point in her life where she needs daily family assistance, assisted living, or skilled nursing care.