Dad diagnosed with stomach cancer. Do we tell Mom who's bipolar, paranoid and has dementia?


It's spread to liver & lymph nodes. They live with 2 sons ages 59 & 61. Tension and arguments fly all day. We offered to take the folks to live with us. I have been a caretaker for over 40 years now and Dad trusts me and wants to move up to our home but Mom won't. The other 2 sons have never had any relationship with their parents and just started to do the shopping and driving. The house is full of tension and arguments and I just don't want Dad's last days to be spent there. They are all self centered.I saw them 2 days this week and was told by one of the sons that I better leave earlier since I was making things worse?? Neither of them talked to me or asked anything. When I mentioned that hospice will be involved and bluntly asked if he knew what he was getting into, he just bluntly said yes. I was not included in anything except if Dad asked for my help. Feels like my hubby and I are being pushed aside. We don't want anything except to help Dad. Please help me to deal with this? Thanks so much! Lore

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I hope that you can have Dad "visit" you for a while (rather than "move in" with you) if he would like that. It is possible that he'd prefer to spend his last days in his own home, amid the chaos he is used to. Don't take it as a personal rejection if he doesn't want to visit you, but if he does want that, I sure hope you can arrange it. Hospice can provide care in either place.
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If your house is quieter and Dad wants to spend his last days with you, let him come to you. Make him as happy as you can, and let mom stay with her sons. Splitting the care load may help ease the tension. I would not go into detail with mom about his illness. Just assure her you are taking care of him for " a little while".
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Just to clarify, your profile states that you're caring for your father, but as I read the post the 2 sons are actually caring for him? I ask because I'm wondering if either or both of the sons were named in Durable and/or medical powers of attorney. If so, they could fight your plans for hospice.

I do think though that under the situation that's the only way your father would have some peace.

I honestly don't know what to suggest about telling your mother. She'll need to know sometime, but with the situation in the home it could just make her so upset that her health is affected also.

I hope others have some suggstions for you on that issue.
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