My dad has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He is now asking me how he knows what is real and what is not. How do I respond?

What you did is just fine. Reassure by agreeing with the positive things and redirect from the negative ones.

I'd have him evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist and explore how to help with his fears and anxiety. My cousin, who also has Vascular Dementia, used to ask me similar things. She'd say, Things look strange. Am I dreaming? Is it real?" I'd tell her that things were real and good and that she was fine. I'd try to reassure her. That worked at first, but then she became depressed and anxious. The confusion scared her. Medication really helped her and she became much more content after going on Cymbalta. I'd ask the doctor if mediation could help.

You might also explore if the facility your dad is staying will have the staff and activities to challenge him and keep him as active as possible, for as long as possible. Just sitting in bed, might make him feel worse. Unless he continues to have some serious medical problem, he might do well in AL or Memory Care, where others are able to understand and support him better.

Also, if his skills are still available, he might communicate with other people who have cognitive decline or dementia online. They are able to offer support and comfort. PM me, if you interested in finding a link for them.

I think this was a beautiful thing to do. I wish I had thought of it. My heart goes out to you and your journey. Write down as much as you can. It will give you peace later.

I'm with Sunnygirl; there is likely a geriatric psychiatrist who visits the Rehab on a regular basis. Reassurance of the sort that you are doing is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but NO amount of reassurance, comforting music or the presence of others made a d@mn bit of difference to my mom; meds did, and they continue to keep her on an even keel.

A broken brain is a terrible thing; it plays tricks on you. This summer, my mom became convinced that she had leprosy. She claims that a dermatologist once told her that, and that I know all about it. No amount of calling her old doctors and getting reassurances, a trip to a new dermatologist or anything else helped. Upping her anxiety meds did, although she remains convinced that she's given whatever she has to my niece's newborn. (sigh)

Don't know if this will help vascular dementi but it has been proven that organic extra virgin coconut oil breaks up amyloid plaques in the brain that cause dementia.

My heart is with you - this is horribly hard on you. What you are doing is fine. I agree that when the person knows that he doesn't know it is terrible to watch their suffering.

My dad lived that way for ten years because of dementia caused by surgery. I tried to go with where he was that day. If he could understand what was real, I'd tell him. If not, I'd go with validation and re-direction. His dementia was different than vascular dementia because he didn't really have memory issue (which almost made it worse). However, all we can do in many cases is reassure, comfort and then try to distract and redirect.

Try to take care of yourself,
Carol

My wife has had vascular dementia for years now and meds do help but her thinking is most likely all going away some day. During this span I am redirecting her thinking (when I can), and giving only positive thoughts for her to think about when she feels ALL is going against her. I am also spending time with her usually three times a day and when she complains of health issues my responses now are: "please tell staff" - "What can they do?' she asks. My response is they need to be charting how you feel so the doctor will know and see a trend and maybe this will all help. I write down my questions for the doctors she sees so during the interval there it will be able to be addressed. Because we have been married over 56 years I usually know her needs and am able to meet them is her thinking now.
One of the best books I have read on dementia is: "This Ugly Disease" by Donald Zoller. His wife had dementia and has since passed but it is very helpful for anyone who is a 'care partner' of a dementia person. The author is a graduate from Sioux Falls University South Dakota.
Knowing that even as a professional there is little I am able to do it is important to NEVER lie to the dementia person, be loving even when that person is unloving, have a quiet time every day with that person, and most of all prayer for that person to gracefully pass on when HIS timing is completed. I have many times spent time in prayer and crying to God for HIS wisdom and strength. She is happy in the Assisted Living portion of the Retirement Community we chose to move to years ago. If you think it is easy to live alone and do everything in the house and still be the spouse - well, it is VERY difficult believe me.

Congratulations! Your letter will be a comfort now, but when the dementia progresses farther, he will not be able to read and understand what it says. It seems the more successful one is in life, having dementia is like a robber - taking all the gifts life can bestow, and leaving an emptiness. Visit him and make memories...for you.

This breaks my heart. You sound like such a sweet angel. My mom had Vascular Dementia also and told me once, "When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself anymore." Can you seek out a support group? I wish I had. I tried to start one at the facility where my mom was, but it never took off. You can try bringing him photo albums or mementoes of better times. I was lucky to have a very supportive staff where my mom was. Enlist their help for yourself as well as your Dad. God Bless you.

Yes, he will reach a point where he can no longer read or communicate. My husband communicates through his eyes. Sometimes I see tears, sometimes fear. Sometimes resignation. I can only hold his hand or stroke his arm and tell him how much I love him.

Some days mom gets up confused and scared. Some days she gets up all smiles and feeling good, and it sometimes doesn't take long for that to change. Her questions in her depressed states often back me into a corner of having to remind her that she was headed for an elderly home if i had not come to take her away from those people. she usually has enough wits to realize what i am telling her and it changes her mood. i know deep down she prefers that i tell her the truth, she says so when she is clearer, even if that truth isn't pretty. she also has times when she can't understand whatever she is reading, usually the junk mail i let her have or the old greeting cards and mementos that keep shifting around in her room, or doesn't recognize herself in a mirror, or thinks she should brush her teeth with body cream, or that her other kids were just here and left her without saying goodbye, and these things will lead her into darkness. i do my best to redirect her, but sometimes she is inconsolable even despite the antidepressants or the dilantin or the seemingly useless memantine, and i have to just let her cry in her bedroom or bang her drawers all night long because nothing fixes her. she knows she is sick, or was sick, and that that sickness left its irreversible damage. i think that as with anyone else, one needs to work through the pain, she wears herself out and very often wakes up feeling better, just like all of us do. but when the truth about her sickness and her current situation does help it helps a lot. i just try to drag her mind around to what is good in her life, and that what is bad in her mind is best left alone. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and tomorrow is another day, just as it is for all of us.

by the way, i didn't mean that i hit mom up the wide of the head with truth constantly. when it's "oh did those people leave?", it's yeah, they left. when it's "where's my stuff, somebody stole all my stuff, i have nothing left, i guess i should just kill myself" for an hour, then i intervene with truth, "you're stuff is right here, the rest is in storage 'cause we don't have room for everything, and you just don't remember this stuff in your room". "oh, yeah, why, what happened to me?" with a big defiance. and there you have it, i'm in the corner. what lie or redirection is going to fix this without just turning mom into a puppet who believes anything she's told just so she keeps a smile on her face. no. that's the time for truth.

My uncle, a top executive at a major corporation, a grand poohbah in the church, a worldly educated man, had this. His took an awful turn, and his wealthy family was able to keep him at home until he died. They had a caregiver, a friend of the family, hired to keep an eye on him while they were at work (they told him she 'needed a job around their house'). He was very paranoid and fearful, they couldn't take him out anywhere, he would get up and go running down the street into the woods, and there were outbursts and....well, it was just awful. He passed away in his sleep at home one day, after a rather remarkable life..... It's an awful thing, all I can suggest to you, LW, is the doctors be aware of his symptoms and give him the right kind of anti-anxiety drugs, to at least keep him calm....In my mother's nursing home, there were people in reclining chairs lying there just screaming, endlessly. I thought that was awful, they shouldn't have been in the general population, so to speak, but maybe nothing more could be done for the poor souls. I would take my mother in her wheelchair elsewhere for an hour or so.

After my Mother fell she had confusion and was scared. We tried all sorts of things to get her comfortable. She asked me to put my phone number on the wall big enough so she could see it clearly from her bed. This gave her comfort that I could be called anytime day or night.

If you are at your wits end some patient relief might be possible. Dr. Ethelle Lord, President of the International Caregivers Association husband has vascular dementia and she has devised a system that has helped him not fully to recover but more cognizance Worth contacting her get her email address from Google..

My husband has vascular dementia and the past year has been a hard one. At first he would really be mad at me when I came back from an errand, yell at me and say things he would never say before. Then by the middle of the year he seemed to calm down and really not know what was going on around him. By fall he became more quiet, but still gets frustrated. Especially now that he can't really converse with me or anyone. He knows what he wants to say but just can't get the words out. Sometimes I think he doesn't really understand what I'm telling him. Some days are better than others and I look forward to the good ones. In the last month I think he has been experiencing sun downers, when about three o'clock gets here he is a little adjetated, some days more so and wants to go to bed by six o'clock, which I try to get him interested in something and have him wait at least until seven or after. I am able to get out some, we have someone come in three times a week, so that gives me a break as well as him. This is a horrible disease and is so hard to watch someone go through this, but all we can do is show patience and love!

Oh zinnia lady, I could have written your post. We seem to be at the exact same stage. One of my husband's fraternity brothers from 60 years ago, and his wife, came to visit yesterday. I pretty much broke down and have been in deep depression since they left. At our age, they are traveling, enjoying life. I got hit smack in the face with what my life has become. I no longer have a husband. I barely have a life. I miss my husband so much and never know when this day will be the last. I'm sorry to complain and dump all of this on everyone but I can't stop crying or feeling cheated. I try to look on the bright side, I really do, but sometimes it's so hard.

Hugemom, my Mom would look in the mirror and say "OMG". She is 88.

Farmington, I too think you did good. My Mom would get dreams, TV and reality mixed up. I would say, you must have dreamed that. She would say OK. She was watching Diagnosis episode one day and told me Dick VanDyke wanted me. Told her that was the TV. Oh, OK she said. Me personally, don't handle Mom's dementia well. Maybe because I, out of 3 kids, am responsible for everything. She is in an AL right now, but can no longer carry on a conversation which she really couldn't do when she lived with me. You can't ask her how her day went, Sher just looks at u. Her day is pretty much sitting around and eating her meals. Her mind no longer allows her to read. She doesn't enjoy much. You can't show her anything knew. It's really sad and I don't deal well with it. Maybe that is why my brothers don't see her more often. It takes a lot for patience dealing with Dementia, which is one thing I lack and always have.