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Last week when I visited, he announced that he is gay and had lived this double life as a gay man while married to my mom, who is now deceased. This week, he named a person from his past, whom he claimed participated. He also made other inappropriate sexual remarks to me about wanting to have sex with someone. I have no way to know if any of this could be true or to verify it, but much of what my dad says is not true and some of it is delusional. I have not mentioned this to his AL facility so far, I think he's only said these things to me. He is on some medications for mood currently for some episodes of aggression a few months ago, and that seems to be controlled well. Has anyone here ever experienced or heard of this type of thing? It was unsettling, to say the least.

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Yes, this is very unsettling. I hope it makes you feel better to know that it's also very common. The fact that your father says he's lived a double life as a gay man is something I haven’t heard before but the sexual aspect isn't new.

Most professional caregivers are well trained in how to handle these episodes, so I wouldn't worry too much about their reaction. You may feel better if you talk with someone at the AFL who works with your father. Choose someone you particularly like, so you feel safe. Then ask if he's ever talked with him or her about sexual activity. Likely he has. Bringing this topic out into the open should help you cope.

We hate to see our loved ones act in such an undignified manner, but it happens. Nurses and CNAs are generally aware that they can get grabbed or swatted on the behind. They can be asked directly for sex. They can be pelted with sexual language that would shock family members. But most professionals take this in stride.

Keep checking this community for more answers because many of the terrific people on this forum have experienced what you are going through. It really does help to feel understood.

Take care, my friend,
Carol
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Would you love him any less if he were and what he says actually happened? The reason I'm saying this is that some Rx psychotropics, just as street drugs such as crack-cocaine and crystal meth, can go to the pleasure center in your brain and enhance what there is. Alcohol can also do away with your inhibitions and unleash hidden sexual desires.

I won't even presume, taking A/D into account, to know what's really going on in his head. I'm not a psychiatrist. What I do suggest, however, is to be an open-minded friend and follow along. I sense he's definitely trying to show some restraint; and is letting some things hang out because he trusts you.

Some of the most macho men in my immediate & extended family, married with children, were on the DL, in the closet, or behind the closet. We also had plenty of "lipstick" lesbians.

Their confessions made me "drop my dentures" sometimes, but the fact they confided in me strengthened the family's bonds. I might not have been able to accept it at first, but I definitely respected them for the courage it takes to come out and let the chips fall where they may.
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You should definitely share your experiences with the AL staff and find out if he has had any other odd behaviours. Communication with staff is soooo important and they can help you with the situation and make recommendations.
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I have read on here about others who have had a fil or other dementia loved one go through a stage regarding sexual activity or language. Here is a link to a discussion thread created by professional caregivers, you may want to ask your question to them,
Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?
Created by privatecare123
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It's hard to deal graciously with the embarrassing behaviour of some dementia sufferers at the best of times; but I think you've got a bit more at stake here than that, haven't you?

Blimey.

I think you'd better have a very good think about how you would feel about the various likely scenarios that might apply, and how closely you want to investigate, before you do anything. Your father's not pinching bottoms or leering. He's either developed a very - as you put it so beautifully - unsettling new interest (fully furnished in his mind with a backstory and everything); or he has lost a long-standing inhibition and come out. Even if you're the rightest-on person in the world, either would be a shock to your established world view.

The usual applies: your father is not just your father, he's an individual with his own story, his own life, his own joys, needs, crosses to bear. I don't know: is it common for dementia to generate complete, groundless fiction in a person's mind? Ask a geriatric psychiatrist, I've no idea; but as an interested amateur I've never heard of it.

In your place I am sure I would look first for evidence that he is delusional, has never had any sort of gay relationship and doesn't know what he's talking about. But don't be too determined to find that evidence. Truth is more important, and more helpful.

If the worst - as I suppose it would feel? - did turn out to be true, or based in truth, being upset would not make you homophobic. Nothing to do with the gay issue: it's that you would be being asked to accept: 1. My father is gay (when the longstanding assumption that he was straight was hardly unreasonable). 2. My father was routinely unfaithful to my mother. 3. My father lived a lie. 4. My father made all of our lives a lie. 5. My mother may have been complicit in that lie, or she may have spent her whole married life as somebody's fool. 6. I do not know my father.

I don't know how you could help feeling huge anger and grief about those. Except there's also this: 7. Fear dominated my father's life, in a world that would not let him be. He deserves compassion and sorrow, not rejection or contempt.

Your father would have lived a tragedy - a tragically common tragedy if we but knew it, I suspect - and borne most of the pain to spare those he loved. That would have been dreadful for him; but the consequences are coming round to bite you too.

I don't judge anybody for what they feel about sexuality, the whole topic; and I've no idea whether your views are on the anything goes or the burn at the stake end of the spectrum. But the fact that you've faced the question squarely suggests to me that you're starting from a fair, open viewpoint? If you're that kind of person, have you considered contacting any GLB organisations for advice? Don't do this unless you're ready to handle the huge amount of new truth that might suddenly drop on you; but if you want to speak to people who know what your father may - OR MAY NOT, let's not get carried away! - have gone through, they'll know. Gay people get old too; and in our parent's generation very many of them will never have had the chance to come out.

You're still entitled to feel whatever you feel. Good luck. And whatever emerges, whatever happens, none of it's your fault. xxx
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Eddie: "drop your dentures" - Love it!
Alien: you're allowed to do that, too!
xxx
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My father, 85, has been diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia. He has been saying inappropriate things on occasion, for many years. But during my latest visit to my parents home, he talked to me incessantly about sex, past escapades, and about children being sexually abused. I believe his younger siblings were molested by a stepfather, and now he says an uncle. There is a level of detail in these stories that make me think they are true. As opposed to his delusions which always have a fantasticHis delusions involve neighbors raping their children or being raped. He has also told me that
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Sorry, accidently posted while editing. As opposed to his delusions which always have a fantastical element. For instance, he is a member of the secret police and he kills bad guys (mostly nuns and child molesters) by falling on them. But don't tell anybody, because it's a secret. I belong to a Lewy Bodies support group but haven't been able to broach this topic with the sweet elderly caregivers there. Needless to say, I am very disturbed and have been unable to stop him or distract him from telling me these things. I have been wondering if these things are borne out of experience, and he is talking about them because he is disinhibited -- I have seen his MRI and there is a black hole where his frontal lobe should be -- or they are just the delusions of a man whose brain is deteriorating. He has groped me and I awoke to find him standing naked over me because he wanted to perform particular sex acts with me (spoken in crude, disturbing language).. Now, when I should be helping my mother out, I don't even want to go near him, which makes me feel very guilty. As the holidays approach I don't know how much to tell his grandchildren, but I am concerned about what he might say or do to them. Any advice would be appreciated.
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