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My dad has been in a nursing home since last Feb (2015). He had fallen while at home just prior to that and at that point he wanted full 24 hr care at home. 5 days later that he fell again and broke his hip, did time in the hospital, then rehab and never came home. He demanded and got continued 24 x 7 private duty aides (paid hourly) even after it became apparent he was never leaving the nursing home.

Now - it is his money being spent - but having been raised by him to be frugal and to see a staggering sum of money paid out each month (more for the private duty aides than what we pay the Nursing Home) it just tears at me that the money would be better spent... I've gone so far as looking at buying a house suitable for him to live in with a private duty aide - at least that would be a bit less impact on the cash flow. We do have LTC insurance - but that will end in a bit over 2 years so at that point cash flow becomes even more of an issue.

We tried a reduced number of hours (at night) but he woke up one night and had no one to talk to - and the Nursing Home staff didn't respond quickly enough for him (demanding - yes - very) so we went back to 24 hours/day.

I have tried to reason with him - but that didn't sit very long. Dad is 92 and he is in "reasonable" health - nothing is going to end his life in the near term except age. I can pay the bills - it is just the horrible waste. In the end his charities are going to be the biggest loser as their get a substantial portion of his estate - and these are charities he has been good to for decades.

I live literally an ocean away and my sister has to work (and Dad could not live with her for a number of reasons) and that is it for family and there is no other local option we can find.

So I am curious of others here have dealt with a family member who despite the financial ability to do what they want are making unfortunate choices/demands and how one might address those demands.

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My mother is in one of the "better" nursing homes (which isn't saying much) so I am very aware of the level of care received in NHs generally. (Forget about anyone brushing your LO's teeth, let alone flossing. and don't even get me started on the twice weekly baths that are inadequate or non-existent.) It's criminal, but that's reality and anyone who has a parent in a nursing home will tell you the same thing.

They are understaffed and barely are able to feel people and change their diapers. Forget about speaking to the residents other than to give directives.

Forget about developing a relationship with them. The people begin to be seen and treated as objects, not people. The only real "care" they get is when a family member visits. It's extremely lonely!! That contributes to depression, hopelessness and general decline.

You are far away and will not change that to help your dad. Your sister will also not help. I find that very sad.

If your dad has the means to provide himself with some care and company, I would thank God for that! He matters, not his money, and really, not the charities. How terrible to prioritize those things before a human being. It is NOT wasteful for your dad to have company and be treated like a human being.

You are far away. I'm assuming you have no idea what care he is or is not getting day to day. Another set of eyes is a life-saver, literally. I could tell you such stories....

What I would recommend is partnering with the aides. Ask them for updates on how your dad is doing, and the activities they do together. That way you will be able to help ensure that the aides are really working for their money. Take an interest in *dad, and have all the aides keep you posted. You may then being to see how valuable that relationship can be. If someone's a deadbeat, you can take steps to see that his money is not wasted on them.

Oh how I wish my mother could have in the nursing home what your dad has. So many of us do. Think about that.
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farawayinwien, it could as simple as your Dad is afraid to be alone. There is that overwhelming fear of falling which makes a person want someone to be there at all times.

Is your Dad in a private room? If yes, ask Dad if he would like to have a room-mate [another male patient], someone to talk to, etc. Then that way Dad won't feel so isolated.
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Oh and if that doesnt work, I agree, his money his wishes. He cant take it with him and he owes it to no one...(I say that softly, not harshly)
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Does he need to be in a nursing home? Can he go into assisted living? If he is living in a place with a lot of individuals who need acute care, his lonliness falls short on the list of priorities, BUT maybe if he lived in assted living, (more geared toward individuals who are able to be reasonably independent) there would be other folks in similar situations there. He could maybe make a friend or go to activities during the day and have the private aids at night. That would maybe cut out the cost of daytime aides. I would probably not move him to a private home, that might isolate him more and cause him more lonliness.
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Your other option is to try to find and move your dad into a nursing home that is more responsive. In our experience at a not-so-good facility with our LO, responsiveness is a HUGE issue, and we've been told that's not unusual even for many better homes. We often hear patients calling out loudly from their rooms, "Help me!" after pushing the call button and waiting and waiting.... Meanwhile, the aids are few and far between due to staffing levels. If we could afford private aid support for our LO, we'd have them as well.
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In the last months of his life, my dad was adamant that he needed someone with him one on one from 7am to 7pm and sometimes another shift from 7pm to 7am. At the time I did not understand that these were the last months of my dad's life, but I could tell how important it was for him to have someone with him. If you look at the amount of money spent in the abstract it can blow your mind. However looking back on it I can say it was the best money my dad ever spent. I have no regrets about it. This is why we save for our old age, so we can have the care we need when we feel we need it.
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We always have a CNA from the agency with dad. Even when he was in the ICU. In case he wakes up confused or can't reach the call button, and to prevent more falls.
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I have to agree. If your dad wants to pay for this care and this care makes him feel better he can spend his money however he sees fit.
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His money to spend as he wishes..
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I'd say dad's money and dad's choice. Unless the folks from the charities want to come sit with him in the middle of the night.
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