My father is 88 and has had his license taken away. My husband and I moved him from a large city to live with us. He wants to go back to 'take care of his sister' who is 95. She needs to be in a home herself, but her sons won't put her in one as she does not want to go. They want me to move my father back with her with the 'hope' they will move to assisted living. But she is NOT a candidate for assisted living. She needs to be in a personal care home.

But as for me, I cannot feel comfortable leaving my dad to live unassisted from 6 pm to 7am - all night with my aunt who most definitely has advanced dementia. It has disaster written all over.

So my questions are 1) How do I stop my uncle and cousins from pressuring my dad - making him feel guilty - into living with my feeble aunt.

2) How can I address my father when he cries to go back. I've had to hide the car keys to prevent his trying to drive back.

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Agree with above. You are doing the right thing taking care of your Dad. Even if it means disconnecting (unplugging) the phone when he is alone - somehow family like this (who don't want to take responsibility for their family themselves and are looking for someone to do it for them)
always manage to call when you are not around. Especially if Dad is having remembering problems anyway - they will always upset him and make it harder to accept his new living arrangements.
Bottom line - he is not able to take care of a 95 yr old with dementia, etc.
He needs to enjoy the time he has left with you. You are taking care of your responsibility - let them take care of theirs. (Even if they don't want to stay at your aunt's home with her - Even if they have to put her in home - that is their problem.
Ditto the car keys. Re: the phone - if it is not pluged in it just doesn't ring in your house. Anyone calling will think no one is home. (Or set to "no ring" setting on phone if so equipped.
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Debi1306, thanks so much. I just downloaded the book to my kindle and have read several pages already. It wonderful to know that I'm not alone in this.
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I recently found a wonderful book - this week as a matter of fact - called:
Speaking Dementia - Making Sense of it all by Frena Gray-Davidson. It is a wonderful tool and is full of "aha moments". I too have a parent (age 75) with "dementia" or senility as you call it. Some days are o.k. some are not. This book has helped. Good Luck
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Ferris1, thanks so much. I will stay the course that I know best. Your advice has already helped and given me ideas.
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Since your father is in your house, you control the phone. Tell your uncle and cousins to stop calling your father as he transitions into his new house. If anything untoward (unexpected) occurs, you will call them. Next, allow your father this time to grieve for his sister as he must love her dearly and she probably "took care of" him as a child. He remembers those times as if it were yesterday. Put photos of her out, ask him to tell you what it was like growing up with her, make those conversations about the past, not present. Then when he is settled, try to tell him she is not able to live on her own, and that he would not be able to care for her either. This is the best solution for him. (Let your uncle and cousins take care of their mother themselves, deciding what they will do for her). Your responsibilities are with your father now, and you need to protect him like a mother lion protecting a cub. Be firm with others who try and pressure you and make YOU feel guilty. I commend you for having the courage to take care of your father when he needs you the most. Keep hiding the car keys too. Keep a watchful eye on him or he will wander...Best wishes.
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