How come our Dad cannot see the truth through the facts?

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This is with great frustration and turmoil for my 3 sisters and me. We came from a loving home, lost our mother in her early age of 52 and we girls were in our late twenties. We’ve always said when our mom died, our dad died too. Born to a father who was an alcoholic, our father it saddens, has fallen suit. 29 years differ, he has rebounded into a relationship literally after our mother passed. You cannot say this relationship has blossomed over the years. We have learned that she herself indeed, is an alcoholic. Imagine two codependency/enablers sacrificing their needs for the sake of the other. Fast forward to almost 8 years ago, our father had to have a liver transplant. Sober and vowed, only to have failed himself, had no support from her, and disappointed us girls. We are back to face his reality. We are back to where we left off, only to be introduced to a new friend (the girlfriends) who has been in the picture for two years as we know of. She faces her own problems of pill addiction. Through conversations with our father, we find that this “friend” is a wonderful friend. To him, both woman would do no wrong. They are highly praised for all their support and caring. In fact so supportive, we found out that the financials where being handled by the third girl with the support of our fathers girlfriend. Things we noticed where getting out of control. Our father had excuses on why we could not visit and phone calls where not being returned, claiming he never received any, and our phone numbers were never correct in his phone – no matter how many times they were corrected. We decided to step in, something we should have done years ago, but our father is adamant about his independence. First things first, DPOA, (guardianship is out of the question) we ran a credit report which showed a loan of $15k clearly did not belong to our father. Through research with the loan company and police reports, with police statements it was concluded that the loan was taken out by the third girl along with the girlfriends support. We know from the girlfriends bank statements that past deposits well over the amount of her employment has been weekly deposited into her account with crazy cash withdrawals from our fathers. One can only imagine, but to prove “is beyond a reasonable doubt”. Here is where we lay, the girlfriend is denying any involvement, 22 pieces of mail where sent to our father and not one had reached his hands. In the third girls’ statement to the police, she stated that the girlfriend provided the mail (the girlfriend is the only one with a mail key). My father at 78 is frail, has fallen several times in the past year, been in and out of the hospital due to health for the past 10 years, and at this time is malnutrition. He has accepted the fact that the third girl had caused theft but will not except the fact that his girlfriend was a part of it. With each communication, when we think we have opened the door the one in front slams shut. How do we challenge him into the beliefs that his relationship with his girlfriend is no longer based on codependency/enabler but a new unhealthy one, in the hands of a person that can be manipulating and is creative with undo influences?

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I echo the idea of Al-anon for you and your sisters.

Adult Protective Services may be able to help but as has been said, sadly our parents can make their own poor decisions.

Alcoholism is a disease. Whether or not that is enough to get guardianship depends on where you live, the judge and other aspects of your dad's mental health.

Take care of yourselves. That may be all you can do. Al-Anon will help you do that.
Carol
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Like Jeanne said, your dad is allowed to make bad decisions. If he's competent there's not a lot you can do about it.

You wrote "we" and "DPOA". Does that mean you have POA? If this is the case use your power as POA and tighten up his accounts. Open a new account, one in which the girlfriend (or whichever girl) doesn't have the account number.

There's only so much we can do to protect our parents when they're competent. Sometimes we just have to let it go if there's nothing else we can do.
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I think you're asking the impossible of yourself, because first and foremost, your father is an addict. He's not just stubborn, opinionated, or set in his ways. I think it would be valuable for you to go to some Al Anon meetings. You will learn a lot, and meet people with the same experiences.
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Alanon. But, you go there for your sanity and peace of mind, not to learn how to change or fix your dad.
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You know that saying "it's never too late to change"? I'm afraid it's eyewash.

Although I'm sorry to say so, I'm afraid that you lovely daughters have probably left it too late to intervene. The Al-Anon idea from Looloo is an excellent one: I hope it will help you come to terms with the realities of your father's choices. None of them, by the way, were your doing.

Apart from that, do what you can but don't drive yourselves to distraction over it. You have your own lives to lead, and the time you give your father would be better spent on keeping him company than on legal and administrative matters.
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I would contact Adult Protective Services immediately and explain the whole situation to them. It may be true that he is allowed to make bad decisions, but this sounds possibly like criminal behavior and exploitation of the elderly is involved.
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You get Guardianship. It is not out of the question at all, he lacks common sense. And you get him into Assisted Living where he is a lot safer.
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I do not know what state you are in, but adult protective services can be called and investigate a charge of exploitation and abuse. You can petition the court to appoint a guardian. Also the money that was taken by his friends can be looked at as to weather your dads intentions were to give it to her as his caretaker . If he is mentally incompetent the court will get involved depending I am sure on adult protective services findings.
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If you can prove your father incompetent to take control of the finances and his health care do it. If he is a lonely man who picks up with women who have seized his financial assets, perhaps you can get a minister/priest/rabbi to talk to him about the discoveries you have made and bring him to the realization that he needs a POA and daughter to be the person who directs his health care decisions (advanced directive).

While it is difficult for a man to live an extended period of time as a widower, your father has the misfortune of picking up with questionable women. Having a drinking problem gives these women the advantage as they try to "take advantage" of your father.

Since he is now 78 and frail, his financial assets need to be working for him as he will likely need help (home health aides) in the near future if not now. He is under 80 years old, if you can qualify him for a long term care policy, I would do it. Even if you have to fund it, as it will underwrite the need for home health aide in the next decade of his life.

Good luck.
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Your father is frail, is a high fall risk, is malnourished, and has been hospitalized. But is he legally competent to make his own decisions? Any signs of dementia? Any memory problems? Any other problems with thinking? Just making bad decisions is not sufficient to require guardianship.

You would like your father to recognize that his girlfriend has some responsibility in the theft of his money. But you have no proof and he has an unwillingness to believe you. I doubt you can accomplish that.

Is he at this point willing to allow the DPOA to manage his finances? That should minimize the risk of future theft.

Is his girlfriend looking after his health? Do you want to intervene in that area?

What else do you want for your father?
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