Dad and Mom don't want to leave their home but they won't sign any withdrawal request on the reverse mortgage to finance help. What to do?

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Dad (85) diagnosed with dementia a year ago, Mom (84) irrational and has a history of nervous break downs. My sisters and I are trying our best to help our parents with this new transition. Since my dads diagnosis of dementia (not sure Alzheimer's or if there is a difference?) and very new hospitalization for heart related issue (chf and afib) he has become very depressed and having a lot of issues doing daily activities. He also seems very depressed since he was hospitalized for a week and his dementia seems worse. We are in and out of drs and really my mom is not a lot of help because she is very confused (thinking she has dementia) as she has a history of mental breakdowns and very selfish. We are trying to keep up with everything they both need (because my mom is just as needed). We were so used to my dad being the competant one and holding the fort of normalcy, and now he is the one that needs significant help. They don't want to leave their home and my mom won't sign any withdrawal request on their reverse mortgage to get them the help they need. So it is up to us to figure this out? Our mom is very disrespectful always the victim. We can't reason with her. Impossible! But yet she expects us to deal with everything in her life and my dads.. We are torn :(

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Hopefully your parents will live many more years. One drawback to a reverse mortgage is when a parent passes on, the heirs are surprised that they have to pay back the full balance of the reverse mortgage that was used, plus interest, plus various fees.... mortgage companies want their funds returned immediately. Some reverse mortgage companies only give the heirs 30 days to decide whether to refinance the house or to sell.

Since your parents don't want to leave their home, either your sisters will need to become your parents Caregivers or you will need to hire outside help. Eventually you will need 3 separate 8 hour shifts, and shifts for the weekends. Will your parents pay for that outside help? I know sometimes it is tough to get one's parents to open their wallet for such expenses. My parents are that way.
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Thanks everyone for all your comments..first @ fregflyer, I am a reverse mortgage advisor and have been for 9 years. I started doing this job after researching Reverse Mortgages for my parents and I believed in it so much. Both my parents are on the Reverse Mortgage and yes, they have a line of credit that is there for this type of usage if they do not want to leave their home. We thought about selling, but dad said if we move him, we kill him and on top of that, the property gain taxes would be 217,000.00!!! My mom is increasingly stubborn and must have the last word and everyone else is wrong in her eyes if they are "family". She trust her hairdresser before she would trust her husband or children. We have given her no reason to feel that way. We are all good loving daughters that just want them to be comfortable. Seeing out dad like this is killing us and as we say poor dad :(, my mom quickly says "what about me and what I have to deal with" URGH..so we have to be very careful with our words. She is trying to help my dad but this is beyond her ability I'm afraid. She doesn't have the strength to even put on his compression socks. We feel right now that we need someone to be there every day at least a couple hours to just do things around the house and bath my dad. We wanted to hire a geriactric care manager, but only if we can get access to the Reverse Mortgage funds to help them with this. We do have POA for both, but mom first has over dad and visa versa. We kind of know their financial situation and I only say kind of because my mom hides and banks money and keeps things a secret! We KNOW she has bank accounts at several banks and moves money, but we don't have access to those accounts nor will she EVER share with us. Right now we just want to give my dad some peace and proper guidance and care. My sister is a RN so she is taking on the medical stuff for my dad and me and my other sister are trying to handle the rest of the issues. A lot of work for sure! I'm not worried about getting POA recorded for my dad and bypass my mom, but I'm worried about getting POA recorded for my mom as she is aware but paranoid "the fbi or someone is tapping her phone because of a constant beep" (and she really hears this) she drives, she cooks, she shops and she hangs out with friends. She is wonderful to all our dogs and very loving to them..to us..well..lol she just thinks we are always up to something against her. In any event..we can sell the house, pay off the balance of the reverse mortgage and walk away with a lot of money (home worth 1.6M) and take a $217,000.00 property gain tax hit, or wait for one of them to pass away and then sell and not have to endure the property gain taxes. Thanks for your help!
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Lmarieweilert, you mentioned your parents have a reverse mortgage loan... sounds like a line of credit since there is a withdrawal that one needs to sign. Get information about that reverse mortgage... find out who's name is on the loan, your Dad only, your Mom only, or both. If one of your parents passes on, can the remaining spouse still stay in the house?... or would the house have to go up for sale to repay the reverse mortgage plus interest?

It might be better to sell the house now, repay the mortgage and interest, and use whatever equity is left for your parents to be in some type of continuing care facility.

As for your Mom, sounds like she is scared since you said it was your Dad who was the "competent one and holding the fort of normalcy". Your Mom probably doesn't know what to do.
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I know there are a lot of articles on the site about family dynamics and the very old baggage that surfaces that nobody has seen in decades and the different roles people slide into like actors in a play: "the baby child", "mom's pet", "dad's favorite", "the responsible one", "the ignored one". Playing these roles can be very, very destructive.
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I really feel for you. I'm in a very similar situation with father-in-law (dementia) and mother-in-law (borderline narcissism and depression). There are no easy answers here, but what will help significantly is if you and your sisters form a united front and be there for each other so no one will feel like they're going through this alone. Praying for your family's strength.
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Personally, I would never let a hystrionic narcissist (mom) be in any level of caretaking role with a dementia patient (dad). That is a recipe for disaster. The more the dementia patient needs, the more dysfunctional the other one becomes and it's no longer about care & safety, but escalated drama and emergencies. It turns into what I call "stunts" to turn the attention to the narcissist instead of the person who needs the care for real.

Consider that mom & dad might need different kinds of care at the same time, and what is best for them individually may not be doable together in the same residence. It is just something to keep on the table when the familiy is discussing options. This is hard for a lot of adult children to understand or accept. The goal of "keeping mom & dad together at all costs" probably has to be re-evaluated and prioritized with what keeps dad safe & mom stable.

I'm the adult child of a borderline, hystrionic narcissist, and being reasonable is not in the cards there. I wish you all the best as you find your way down this path.

Be prepared for difficult decisions, having to choose among options that nobody likes or prefers and for a lot of stress. If the family can not break off into camps "for" and "against" choices, it will make everything SO much easier.

Check back in and let us know what's going on! A lot of us have been there and can answer questions.
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Do you know what assets and debts they have? I would lay it on the table with your mom that the kids have to get the financial records in order to consult with an Elder law attorney to see what the options are. At least you'll know where they stand and what they might qualify for.

They could qualify to have help brought into the home, but with your dad's serious medical conditions and dementia, that's going to become a full time job. There are the medical issues, medication administration, diet, hygiene, and the natural progression of the dementia. Often patients become uncooperative or unable to bath, dress or even eat alone. And if your mom is very emotionally fragile, she is not likely to be a good candidate to be in that environment or share in the care giving. She will need it herself.

Do you have Power of Attorney or health care POA? If you mom won't listen to reason, and your dad needs care he can't provide, then you may have to ask the court to be appointed his guardian so you will have the legal authority to make the decisions for him. Warning though. It's a huge responsibility and takes a lot of time, energy and effort. Even if he is placed in a Memory Care facility or nursing home, there is still much to do as a POA. But, at least, you wouldn't have to worry constantly that he's at home and in need of help.

I don't know how much your mom knows about dementia, but she may not realize just how disabling it can be. That can happen slowly or in steps.
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you dont have tons of options imo . a facility that will accommodate them as a couple or in their home help from a relative . theyll never hold a safe household together with both of them being so emotionally fragile and physically compromised . i guess you could hire some day help for them for a while but the care will become 24 - 7 at some point . it all boils down to if the family wants to inherit any assets theyll have to get off their assets and provide the required care . if no one is able or capable of doing it the commercial enterprises and / or the state will provide the care but usually at the cost of every dime the elders have ever made or saved .
if your mom is to stay in her home she may as well get used to compensating some help . its still a fraction of the cost of placement .
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