Dad's afraid to ask the doctor for some sedation since Mom is getting belligerent for fear of being forced to put her in Nursing home?

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Been there - done that - doing that. AD is HELL for everyone involved.
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I totally get that! My Dad has been in and out of 3 facilities since his first placement in January! And the expenses are awful! Two places he left because they called EMTs and so a hospital admission to assess him, then every place requires a security deposit on top of the fees, and then all the costs for the hospitals and the doctors and the meds...all because he gets mad because people are trying to control him! Well....DUH....yeah they are....cause he can make no decisions anymore! But he thinks he's just fine most of the time....Constantly says, " You know, my memory just isn't what it used to be!!" And then he tells a story about where he's been working all day, and how he drove cross country to start a new job and thinks he's staying overnight in this nice hotel....OH...on some days, he OWNS the hotel and is just staying there to check if everyone is doing their job correctly...and then, on other days, all he does all day long is ask why he's stuck in there...is it a jail? Has he been sentenced? Really the only thing that is consistent is that he still recognizes Mom and I when we visit him. And we do thank GOD for that!
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There have been times I worried the other way. Would Mom's belligerent behavior get her KICKED out of Assisted Living? AD - just barrels of fun for everyone (not).
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Yes, Citalopram was one of the drugs that worked well on my Dad when he was still at home. He would get very belligerent at times, because his relationship with Mom was not good anyhow. She could irritate his dementia with her constant nagging! He would drink alcohol to block her out...and then, with his dementia, he couldn't keep track of the drinking or the time. Of course, we all know that excessive alcohol can lead to being belligerent. Also, right before placement, he wandered a few times, when Mom was gone. Talking to him would show that he got anxious when alone, because he could not keep track of time anymore. She may have been gone an hour and he would think it was all day, and something was wrong, and decide he needed to find help from a neighbor. Just thinking in my own head how upsetting it would be not to be able to remember when my husband left or how long he had been gone, and I could see how this would raise anxiety to crazy levels. It is sad to consider how confusing they are in the head, when they cannot track time or remember thing for more than a few minutes. I hope it doesn't happen to me, but I sure worry about it!
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Citalopram really helped w my husband (dementia).
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I told the doctor each time we had to deal with moms roaming and getting out of the house she seemed extremely anxious as if she were on a mission to find something. One time after finding her she said she was looking for the parade in a very anxious tone. THE DOCTOR SAID HE COULD HELP US WITH THIS AND PRESCRIBED A VERY LOW DOSE OF CITALOPRAM (CELEXA). I also started giving her MELATONIN (a very natural calmer and sleep aid over the counter from Costco). This all seemed to work like a charm to keep her calmer. Anyway we have since alarmed the doors and placed large signs on them stating ELLEN DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE as well but again we have not had any major incidents since the Celexa and Melatonin. God Bless.
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Yes, I agree with NancyH. There may be Adult Foster Care or Adult Day Care centers in your area. We have an organization in our area called Catholic Charities (BTW, we're no Catholic; doesn't matter) that runs an Adult Day Care. My mom went to one ~ 3 days a week, giving my dad a much needed break. They were wonderful! They even provided a van pick up service if needed. My sweet mom attended for about 2 years before we had to place her in a hospital facility. But, at least it gave us time to prepare and think about the next step. Good luck. Much love and hugs.
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Check out all the benefits from his medicare and/or other medical insurance because there are now new benefits that cover helping the elderly stay in their homes. Also, what I had to start doing with my parents, since I live out of town and cannot go to every MD app't with them, is to ask for fax number and email address, so I could help them write down things that they wanted discussed and I could also send the MD what my concerns were, prior to the app't. I then send this info a couple days before the app't with a big note on front that states the date and time of the app't and asking that the communication be with the MD prior to that appt. If there are funds, you might also suggest hiring a part time care giver. Most agencies here in AZ require only a minimum of 4 hours/week, but it put some other assistance and evaluation in the home. I sold this to my parents specifically by saying if we did this, we would be safely keeping them at home longer, because you then have a home health agency involved. Or, if no funds, look at volunteer organization. The help at home may diffuse some of the behaviors. MDs are well aware that more medications are needed at this time of life....and will know what meds to start with.
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Perhaps your father's fear of your mother being *put* somewhere is based on his own sense that she needs more help than he can give. If that's the case, then various options can be explored.

Meanwhile, you could speak with the doctor about possible medications for your mother and then reassure dad this approach might make her manageable so she can stay home.

Blessings to all of you for peace in this stressful situation.
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Keep an annecdotal list of her behaviorover the course of several dsys. Go with him to the doctor and ask what the best drug eould be.
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