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My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:

He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.

He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.

Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.

My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.

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Talk to his Doctors . Plus what type of Doctor would give him Cialis at his age. its unheard of ?
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No offense but...TAKE THAT CAR AWAY FROM HIM!! If he leaves it running and doors open, he surely shouldn't be on the road putting himself and others at risk. I would make an appointment to have his driving evaluated, if nothing else. Knowing that he has dementia and allowing him to carry guns is asking for trouble. Also, the girlfriend is obviously taking advantage of him. This is a bad situation all around. You are going to have to make some tough decisions in Dad's best interest.
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I guess you should Inform the Police of the Extortions of these people. It is not so
Uncommon for those women&their sibling to Extort him. he may be gettin sex..but
his Money is going to that and more!!! I would contact your local Police Department and have them aware of the individuals and what Extortions u Believe are happening.&especially with a ex-Con&she probably isn't much better. We just had that happen here.. a couple were finally caught for extorting old people with money..and living off of it..and shopping on it..and just having a good ol time laughing it up..fools are everywhere..sometimes you need a little Investigator/Police /Deputies to stake it out for you. as it is a Crime.Okay.
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I sure hope you have DPOA, etc. If not, you probably should make that a priority. You could be headed for some real trouble with dad's lady friend and her brother. Just because your father can make decisions doesn't mean he should. There are loads of people out there who prey on people like your dad. Believe me, I've been through it with my mother. It wasn't pretty!
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People that know someone has or is Old and has money will Extort the guy.
Please contact your local PD or get a Private Investigator. I am sure they are
running a gammet&acting like they like him. Sex does alot of things to guys at that
age..and Before he gets himself in trouble with the Ex-con and ends up in Prison himself..which would be tragic..it is already tragic enuff!! contact the authorities and tell themof these 2. all u can do to Help the Situation as he is probably influenced so much by being fooled he wont admit it..and this way he is Protected.
Ex-cons and their families Will do ANYTHING FOR EACH OTHER!!
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I'm wondering if you have POA and can talk to doctor. Perhaps if you explain the situation he can stop prescribing the cialis?
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Sounds like you are more concerned about him spending his money, than you are concerned about his well being.
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These are tricky issues, in many states, such as Texas, even with a guardianship you can't stop a person from making bad decisions. I am sure the 88 year old thinks that having a hot sexual relationship with a woman 17 years his junior is not a bad decision.
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If you have POA you should be able to talk to the bank manager about this money. Second is the Dr. about this cialis and the concerns that you have in this area. And you should look into having his license revoked, actually the Dr. should have done that already sonce he has been diagnoised with denetia. If you can have the bank manager put a limit on his spending it would help in that area, but you would have to have POA. I would consider having these people looked into.
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I have to disagree, a guardian has the ability to limit access to money (which can be contested by the ward) but a regular POA can only do what the person wants. Has your father been diagnosed as mentally incapacitated?
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To 2TiredinFlorida, although the initial concern may be about money spending, it also concerns his health. If all his retirement money is spent on a blood-sucking flounderer, how on earth will he be able to take care of his own health needs? My family is in a similar situation where my step-dad met a woman within weeks of the death of his wife. That woman and her children spent every dime of his very sizeable nest egg, forcing him to sell his dream home and succumb to even more depletion of his assets. At 84, he sought employment to further support her spending habits. He only worked 6 months when he suffered a heart attack and was told he could no longer work. NOW who's going to help HIM? Of his 2 blood sons, one is in a nursing home and the other barely survives on minimum wage (and lives with a younger couple). There is a reason we work to save money for our "golden years"....and it ain't to spend on someone else who did not save!
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OncehatedDIL in answer to your question of wether he is mentally incapacitated she quote "My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed."
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You MUST do all you can to get the car away from your dad, and worry about him being angry later. If he gets into an accident, you could lose him, whomever he hits, and the family's entire savings. I spent almost 4 years trying to figure out how to get my mother's car away from her without insulting her. I managed to convince her doctor to get in touch with DMV to have her license revoked, but the car situation was terrible. I finally concocted a story about needing it for a week as mine was in need of repair -- and then I didn't return it. My mother occasionally asks about it, but slowly is conceding to it being "gone." Same with firearms. You can't worry about offending your father. With such a volatile situation at his girlfriend's home, you simply can't afford to leave sound judgement up to him. Police stations occasionally have "no questions asked" periods where they will accept weapons....call ahead, make sure they're unloaded, or if they're locked, leave them in your car but definitely let police know the situation. Good luck!
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You can only do what is allowed by law in the state that you live. My husband's Uncle lived in Colorado and his Uncle lived in Senior housing, a woman in her 40's who was a food server in his dining room started showing him some interest, making little remarks and flirting with him at dinner while she served. Eventually she was invited to his apartment and later given a key. She engaged in open sexuality with him in front of other visitors just to keep his attention on her. She kept all of this from her employer and when they found out, she quit and he supported her by giving her over 3,000 a month, my husband was livid as he of POA. The Uncle was on meds for dementia and was retired from his attorney office but he got his attorney to change his will, revoke the POA, appointed another who let the situation go, he disowned my husband who had cared for him during all those years, left his money to relatives he never saw, the girlfriend who was young enough to be his grand daughter and the POA but most to charity. Nothing could be done because the law did not allow it. So my advice is to go slowly, check out how your Dad is spending his money, talk with Dr. and see what the law is. My husband did these things but nothing worked, the Uncle was so far gone from dementia he told everyone that my husband stole from him, not a small amount but around 500,000, the whole family believed him, he said my husband was destitute,lived off the government and family and friends, they all believed this hogwash. In short, unless everyone is ethical or you are very determined you may not be able to do much.
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This is a difficult situation and there are no cut and dried answers.
Getting an elder declared unfit to drive is extremely difficult. The police really have no power until he gets in an accident. DMV don't seem to have any power as long as he passes the vision test at least in our part of NYS. The Drs can . tell their patients they are unsafe to drive but can't enforce it. The only redress is to disable the car so it can't be driven.
It was very nice of you to offer to have your father live with you after your mother's death. perhaps you can have him pay a substantial amount each month for his board and keep and you could set that money aside secretly for his future needs.
As far as the guns are concerned capthardass answered that question in another post on a way to disable them which was not apparent to the owner but I can't remember his advice and don't know if it would work with an old soldier.
And finally you need to contact an elder care lawyer to see what your legal options are.
The girl friend and her brother may be extorting money from your dad but you would have to find evidence that they are doing something illegal.
As far as sex and the cialis are concerned. Only six pills are allowed each month so that may limit his activity in that department. Also consider that he may not have been very active with his wife in the final years of her life and feels the need to "make up for lost time" as far as inappropriate remarks about sex in your home, it is your home and here you and your husband set the rules so simply do not allow it and if he persists simply leave the room. also be aware that he may be contacting sexually transmitted diseases from this woman.
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It seems that there are several issues, all of which need to be taken care of. Speak to his doctor about driving and him possessing guns and his anger and his dementia. Perhaps he needs another evaluation. Contact the DMV re a driving test to assess if he has the capabilities to drive. Also contact the police about the guns, and driving and his dementia. Can you hide the guns for now, disable them, disable the car? Have you contacted the local Agency on Aging and also Social Services for their advice. You may want to consider contacting APS as well. Your dad is being taken advantage of big time. If you do not have DPOA. get it and limit his access to his finances. I am having to do that with my mother right now. I know she will be mad, but once they have crossed a certain line in terms of making unsafe decisions, the family should step in. Having him mad at family is a whole lot better than him getting in an accident, or spending all his money on this "lady" or blowing someone's head off with a gun. I don't live in the US, but surely there is some guideline about the mental health and capacity of someone who can own guns. If you limit the money he can spend on his girlfriend, I think you will see her lose interest in him pretty quickly.He is the goose who laid the golden egg for her. I think we all know that is where her interest lies, and she is using sex for her own gain - nothing new about that. Your dad needs some protection. Document what is happening so you have notes to refer to when you speak with these people, and keep it as factual as possible, while still showing your concern. (((((((hugs)))))) and come back and let us know how it goes. It is a very difficult time in a family.
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depends on the state and the DMV but honestly before he hurts someone take his license away.What if's pop into my head..what if he runs over a little one ,or a mother and her kids.Also sounds like the lady in question is taking advantage of him.Please contact his doctor(s) and the head of the facility he is at.Something has to be done before he is in jail for hurting someone.
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Listen to the folks saying to get the car and guns away from him. You're also going to have to get control of his funds, or there will be no funds left to take care of him in his last days. It will get ugly, uglier than you can imagine. Persevere. You don't want to find your dad dead in a ditch, or worse.
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The elder care lawyer idea seems like the best one to me. Get one ASAP and see what you can do legally. Even if they limit your legal options, you can pull a wire on that car and disable it. The guns should be hidden immediately. Do you have siblings?
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The last thing a 88 yr old with dementia needs is a gun! The next to the last thing he needs is a car! I say this with great compassions as my 87 YO father has both as well and we are trying to convince him otherwise and it is horrible. Apparently they hand out Cialis like candy because my 88 YO FIL has a drawer full as well, and his GF is 91 (can't think there is much going on there as she is incontinent has 3 full time caregivers and needs a walker. I wonder if just having the stuff makes them happy about the possibilities? Needless to say, I would be very concerned about the people he is hanging out with! Any way you could get him to agree to an allowance system so he does not burn through everything that he has? In our county you can check on someones arrest record online for free, maybe you might want to check on the GF . Is he at least a little willing to listen to reason? If you report bad driving your state might be willing to pull his lisc. and that would keep him home a little more.
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Your father may have a permit for those guns, but does it include a license to conceal those weapons, which he is doing. If not he is in violation of the law and that is one way you can legally get those guns removed. As for his car, get a hold of the Department of Motor Vehicles in your state. Your father may have rights, but it doesn't include caussing injury or death to innocent people!!!!!
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I am not much on confronting elderly parents and giving ultimatums. It is easy for me to say what you "should" do. Right now, my 94 yo mother wants her expensive jewelry at the nursing home. I just had this conversation with her this morning. It is all she talks about.

But in your situation, I would disable the car and the guns.
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Hi angelwhyspers, early stage dementia doesn't mean he has been declared incapacitated. A doctor has to be willing to sign documentation stating the father is mentally incapacitated by his dementia. Plenty of folks have some dementia but are not incapacitated.
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Wow! Do you ever have a problem on your hands!

OK, a couple of questions: DO you have Power of Attorney? If not, Dad is unlikely to grant it right now.

Do you have the ability to talk to Dad's doctor? You need to tell the doc what's going on! I cannot believe anyone would prescribe Cialis for a man that age! Also, the doc can assess your dad's dementia. In some states, the doc can recommend he stop driving, or at least that he go to a testing center in order to keep his license. When does his license expire, BTW? If he loses his wheels, will this woman move on to greener pastures?

I agree (and I think you know this) that you have to take the keys and the car away. Yes, he will be really mad. And you have to forbid him from seeing this woman anymore. Yes, he will be really mad.

When we have to do things that my parents don't like, I remind then that when I was a kid and was about to do something foolish, they would step in and forbid me from doing it. Even as an adult, they were never shy about telling me what they thought about my choices and my friends (especially dates). And I would get really mad! And they were usually proven to be correct. Now it is your turn to take on that role. It's always tough for both the parent and the child when the roles reverse, but it is in his best interests.

If he becomes too difficult for you to handle, perhaps assisted living is the answer. If he's spending $3,000 - $4,000 per month on assisted living, he won't have it to give to the girlfriend.
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One other thing: TAKE THE GUNS AWAY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
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All of this advice you're getting is easy to say but hard to do. Of course you should take away his gun and car and stop him from spending every dime he has. But how?!
I agree with those who are recommending you start slowly proceed carefully.
You could begin by talking with him about helping with expenses since he has moved in. As someone else suggested, having him pay you rent would at least save some of his money from the clutches of his shady-sounding lady friend. Negotiate as high a contribution as you can (again, it's that much less that will be thrown away and then some of it can be available if he needs it later).
As for the car, a little white lie here may help. Pull a spark plug or something on the car. When he can't start it, have it 'towed away' (take it somewhere it can remain for an extended period). You can buy some time while it's "in the shop" to get your dad accustomed to some other way to get around. He has income, so you could hire a companion (with a car) for a couple of hours a day (I know someone who does this for several elderly clients for just $10 an hour) to drive him where he wants to go.
I'm actually in this process with my own dad right now, trying to get him to develop a new routine that doesn't involve aimlessly driving around all day. He, unfortunately, squandered away all of his money before we realized that he had been unable to make rational decisions about his finances for a pretty long time.
Oh, as for the guns, they need to be 'stolen' ASAP.
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There should be some sort of governmental agency (city, county, etc) on aging in your area. They should be able to provide you with some help asap. I spoke w/ my dad's doctors prior to each appointment (including his eye doctor) about his poor driving, etc. They happily told me dad that he could no longer drive. One dr even took the additional step of telling him she was reporting him to the state that he could no longer drive; but keep his license for id. He wasn't happy about it, but since it came from a dr, he accepted it more readily. As for the other items, go see an eldercare atty asap. They can advise you regarding guardianship, etc. Your dad may not want to sign a DPOA. So the attorney can provide other alternatives. Seeing the attorney was a lifesaver for my family.
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Please forgive me Pammaw, but I have to say that it made me smile to know that your dad is getting more action than I am!! Your concerns are very real, and great advice has been given. I am only in my 40's and caring for my Mom has killed any social life and libido. Best of luck...
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Pammaw10: You said your Dad was in early stages of dementia 6 mos. ago when he came to live with you and your husband. Presume this is documented in doctors records. #1: Get rid of the Guns (permit is immaterial) - he is a danger to himself and society. Call the local PD, and they will come and get them. You may have to do this while he is not on the scene (perhaps while sleeping). #2: Take away the car keys - don't stand for any arguments from him. He has already demonstrated a serious lack of responsibility and awareness. No one with diminished mental capacity has the right to endanger himself or others on the road. These are the immediate major concerns - tough issues - call on your husband to back up your efforts and present a united front. If Dad puts up a fuss, tell him he will have to prove to you that he can still drive responsibly by taking a new driving test. Bring a letter from the doctor stating that he has dementia and should no longer be driving. MVC will then aoutomatically fail him and take away DL.

As for the money issues, if you are not already POA or legal guardian, do whatever is necessary to make that happen ASAP. Go to the bank and see if you can get dual signature requirement for WD's and check-writing. Then you can monitor where the money goes. Call and Elder Law attorney to help you if necessary (lots of resources on this site).

As for the sex, it is questionable where he got the Cialis if not from his doctor, so check that out. If it is legit, tell Dad if he doesn't cooperate with you in all other areas, you will tell the doctor not to renew his script!! LOL
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HI..have YOU contacted the Authorities to explain these large sums of money going
to a household of a person he is haveing sex with &Her Ex-con brother.that he is 88
and is being extorted. so that you cant do anything but YOU need help!!
please dont hesitate..sooner u get this nipped in the bud..the sooner they can stop
doing the Racket on HIM!
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