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After the discussion my sister and I had I agreed to try and prepare my dad before moving him into a facility. I told him gently that my sister works full-time and after 5 years of caring for him and paying for help ( we share the cost) she can no longer do it due to him having a prostrate problem as well as early stage dementia. He refuses to understand it and says he has done nothing wrong and he is ok where he is. I had to tell him that if it wasn't that she had to clean up faeces after him, she might have coped better, but he says it wasn't him who made the mess and he says he cant remember and she is lying.

She cried while cleaning up the mess as the help was off-duty and she told me next time he does she will walk out and book herself into a hotel as she just wont do it.

Last night he said to her "so you want to throw me out" and I told her to say that the doctor said he needs nursing, which in fact the doctor did say.

This is very taxing and I wish some parents would be less selfish. He was one of the most selfish dad's I know, but I guess not the worst. Absent, paid his dues and visits. Should we feel bad?

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Thank you all so much. Feeling so much better for all the support and good intention advice.
My sister came home yesterday to find the kitchen floor covered in crushed garlic and his room she so carefully cleaned out the night before in a huge mess. 2 nights ago it was butter in his tea and my young nephews powdered protein shakes thrown out of its big jar and yet he gets served his meals 3 times daily and I shop once a week to buy him a few 'luxury snacks for the week. Due to his absence from our home as kids, he hardly knew his grandchildren and now does not recognise them. They've also given up. Its just me and my sister and luckily the day helper. I think we've tried.

And yes, as you say its time he gets looked after by those who can do it better :)
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Long story short, no you and your sister should not feel bad. And I'm very glad to hear that you're sticking together. It's natural for your father to feel apprehensive about the new place, and for him to feel sad that he can't be cared for by his daughter any more; and it's understandable that he fabricates excuses around the embarrassing aspects of his needs; but look, it's a fact. He CAN'T be cared for in your sister's home any more. The best thing the two of you can do for him is help him settle happily into his own new home at the NH. Wishing you all three the best of luck with the move, and happier times to follow.
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I think it is hugely unfair that those of us who voluntarily have given up large chunks of our lives to be caregivers are the people who feel "guilt" when it comes time to place a loved one somewhere they don't want to be....because the caregiver has facilitated a much better life at their own expense. That's where we are, having placed wife's mother in AL after 8 years in our home. The 8 years don't count, the construction of the addition doesn't count, the many many hours my wife spent caring and entertaining her doesn't count. And the response is that we are kicking her out so we can do as we wish, travel etc, not because she repeatedly falls and has been hospitalized 3x in four months for it. Yes we crave some freedom but the fact is she needs 24-7 and we can't do that anymore.

Guilt. Ask yourself, have you done what is fair and should be expected? I see many cases on this board where it appears what caregivers get in return is nothing short of abuse. I know dementia can cause this, but in the end why must a caregiver sacrifice their own life, health, sanity, dignity, for someone who either disrespects that sacrifice or is mentally unable to appreciate it? At some point you have to say that you "paid it forward" and the guilt debt has been paid off.
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Sending you and especially your sister hugs! She's done her job, don't expect dad to be happy. He'll adjust, don't worry.
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Thank you blannie. appreciated. :)
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Seenypa you and your sister both should "get a star in your crown" as my mom always says about me being her caregiver. I think that's an old Southern expression about what happens when you go to heaven. You and your sister have done what you could to honor, love, and care for your father, whether he appreciates it or not. But also realize that with dementia, his reasoning ability is (or will be) gone.

If you spend any time on these boards, you'll see lots of caregivers of parents with dementia being accused of all kinds of awful things. Caregivers who are giving up their lives and their own health to take care of parents. So please start reading and know that your dad is lucky to have you and your sister.
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SeeNyPa, If dad was a wartime veteran, he can get help from the VA. Call them or go to va.gov.
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Thank you littletonway and Pamstegman, it so is what I needed to hear. There is so much truth in what you both say. I cant wait to tell my sister. It makes so much sense and it is great and logical advice.
Thanks again :)
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No guilt necessary on your part. Our obligation is to watch over them and get them the best care. Sometimes that means 24/7 care with a team of professionals. No single person can do what three shifts of nurses do. Some nurses go home after a twelve hour shift and collapse until the next one. At least they get time to recharge their batteries.
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Please assure your sister and yourself you have done the very best you could do. There just absolutely comes a time when our elders need more care than we are humanly able to provide. It is no one's fault, it just is what it is!

You should be contended knowing you both are wonderful daughters. I am guessing much more than your Dad deserved.

Once the move is made and he has time to adjust you all can just be visiting daughters and get on with your own precious lives. Best wishes!
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