I (34) am living with my dad and older brother (45) who has several undiagnosed mental health issues (arguably narcissistic personality disorder, hoarding, extreme paranoia)...the only joy he seems to get is yelling at my dad. COVID has made him so much worse. It gets so bad, I wonder why the neighbors don't call the cops.
I would move out but it would mean no longer being allowed in the home (my brother is incredibly paranoid about COVID and has not been out of the house in over a year, he even gets angry if my dad takes the garbage bin outside). Since COVID, I take care of my dad's bills, his meds, getting groceries delivered (I still have to wipe groceries down to calm my brother's COVID concerns). Dad used to do all this himself in-person, but COVID means using computers and automated phone systems, which he isn't great at.
Here is the thing: my dad has a second house that is close by. He initially got it when my mom was alive, because they could no longer stand living in the same house with my brother. Dad says it's my house, but I am not allowed to live there. We go twice a week to check on it and stay a few hours for respite, but that's all. My dad will not move back there and he won't explain why.
Here is another thing: my brother has his own house. My parents bought it for him so he would leave the family home without them having to evict him. When my mom got sick, he moved back in to "help take care of her." He took that opportunity to never leave. He received a hefty inheritance when my mom died so there is no financial abuse. My dad will not evict him. When my brother lived alone, he essentially became malnourished despite my parents bringing him food and him being financially secure. I believe my brother's inability to care for himself plays a large part into why my dad won't evict him.
I just found this forum today. Most seniors in this situation seem to want intervention or are not mentally competent. My dad doesn't want intervention and is usually (outside of COVID) capable of caring for himself. I believe if I send someone to check on him, he will deny any abuse and I will have made things worse. He is a massive enabler but he is still my dad. I used to go to therapy and all my therapists would say "leave, you can't save him from his own choices," but I don't know how I can live with that guilt.
One thought I had while reading your post was that maybe brother should get attention he most definitely WON'T want: report him as a danger to himself and others (a senior, you).
Why can't you live in the other house? Is there a legal basis? What would happen if you moved into your house? What would happen if you and Dad go there and stay? How could Brother force you to return if he's afraid of leaving the house?
Definitely contact Adult Protective Services and lay out your concerns about the mental and emotional abuse being heaped on Dad. Seek legal advice about the houses - who are named on the deeds, etc. I suspect the barrier to moving is psychological, not legal.
It will be hard, whatever you do; but you'll want the peace of knowing that you did all you could to help Dad and yourself. And Brother, too. There's tons of support here on this forum so please come back, often. Make full use of the site.
Prayers and hugs for you.