I (34) am living with my dad and older brother (45) who has several undiagnosed mental health issues (arguably narcissistic personality disorder, hoarding, extreme paranoia)...the only joy he seems to get is yelling at my dad. COVID has made him so much worse. It gets so bad, I wonder why the neighbors don't call the cops.
I would move out but it would mean no longer being allowed in the home (my brother is incredibly paranoid about COVID and has not been out of the house in over a year, he even gets angry if my dad takes the garbage bin outside). Since COVID, I take care of my dad's bills, his meds, getting groceries delivered (I still have to wipe groceries down to calm my brother's COVID concerns). Dad used to do all this himself in-person, but COVID means using computers and automated phone systems, which he isn't great at.
Here is the thing: my dad has a second house that is close by. He initially got it when my mom was alive, because they could no longer stand living in the same house with my brother. Dad says it's my house, but I am not allowed to live there. We go twice a week to check on it and stay a few hours for respite, but that's all. My dad will not move back there and he won't explain why.
Here is another thing: my brother has his own house. My parents bought it for him so he would leave the family home without them having to evict him. When my mom got sick, he moved back in to "help take care of her." He took that opportunity to never leave. He received a hefty inheritance when my mom died so there is no financial abuse. My dad will not evict him. When my brother lived alone, he essentially became malnourished despite my parents bringing him food and him being financially secure. I believe my brother's inability to care for himself plays a large part into why my dad won't evict him.
I just found this forum today. Most seniors in this situation seem to want intervention or are not mentally competent. My dad doesn't want intervention and is usually (outside of COVID) capable of caring for himself. I believe if I send someone to check on him, he will deny any abuse and I will have made things worse. He is a massive enabler but he is still my dad. I used to go to therapy and all my therapists would say "leave, you can't save him from his own choices," but I don't know how I can live with that guilt.
The issue with an undignosed and untreated condition (e.g. such as schizophrenia or bipolar) is that it can get worse. Verbal aggression fueled by paranoia can lead to unreasonable demands and physical aggression.
Your father sounds like a lovely person who has tried to do his best for his children. He has tried to look after his son without involving outside authorities but sometimes we have to get the help. He might be surprised by how much a little help might do.
If he is frightened of his son's reaction to enlisting help, then that is all the more reason to contact someone but either way something needs to be done, as the situation sounds unsustainable.
It sounds like you need to talk to your father and explain that one of you need to call for outside intervention. You need to explain the situation has worsened since COVID and can get worse again. That you are ALL suffering, that it is time.
Start small, call a help line and discuss the options, see your own doctor and talk to them about it, open up to the choices. The situation has been met before, there are people who can help.
I was in a similar situation & there’s nothing you can do.