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I am a 60 yr old married, disabled woman who cares for my 93 yr. old MIL. She goes between my house and my husbands brother. They have t Use her SS income to live, they have many vices!!. I know you can't do this. I have had her for a month now, I am with her 24/7. My husband works and I know he is tired from working, he gets upset at me for trying to do everything! She has no control over her bodily functions so each time, about every 30 min. She has to go. I must clean her, change her undergarments, redress her and get her safely to her chair. She has fallen on 2 occasions, once while my husband was hunting and the other while we were alone again. I have many physical limitations along with depression and anxiety, making all of this so very overwhelming! I cry day and night, which my husband doesn't understand. I cannot mention anything about the "other side" ! For Thanksgiving the in laws wanted to take a trip and I haven't seen my brother and his family in probably 8 yrs. The older we get the more you want to see them, so we used our own money to put her in respite care for the minimum of 2 wks. Well now that I have had her for a month, in two weeks they want a vacation!?!? They want to use what little money she has to pay for respite care, NOT like us who footed our own bill! I am so very tired, exhausted and do not care about anything! I do not sleep, eat and of course do not socialize. I am at my wits end! My husband doesn't understand and gets loud and angry when I bring any of this up! I give all I have to give her the best possible care yet I know that she doesn't get treated very well when she's not here! I can't carry on a conversation with anyone and if it wasn't for my little dog I feel as though I couldn't or wouldn't make it!! I just need my husband to sit and communicate with me! We've been together for 35 years and this is just off limits! He knows I am in pain yet does NOT understand how stressful each and every hour is! What can I possibly do? I have no one but my brother that lives 6 hrs. Away that I can call and talk to about it, bless him he listens and tries to help me but I know he probably gets tired of the same old song!!! I need help and advice please!!!!

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Bouncing back and forth between two households is not good for her and I doubt will ever be sustainable in the long term. You need to come up with a plan going forward that take into account your needs, her needs and also the needs and expectations of your husband and his brother. I like the idea of you going to visit your brother for a few weeks so that your husband can not hide from the reality of her care needs!
I would start investigating any services in your area that can help with her care while she is in your home.... Meals on wheels can give you a break on your grocery bills and free you from having to come up with nutritious meals when all you have the energy for is tea and toast..... A bath aide or just companion care could also take some of the pressure off you, paid from her income of course.....
If her money has been given away frivolously it needs to stop. Since Medicaid has a 5 year look back she could still conceivably qualify some day IF her finances are kept in order. 5 years may seem a long time away, but better to plan for the long term than to hope tomorrow never comes.
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It sounds as if the other branch of the family has also ripped through the mother's capital so that Medicaid applications are scuppered. This is a real bind. Hadn't the OP better go and see an elder care lawyer? - because she and her husband can't possibly sustain MIL's and their own likely care costs.

BettySoo, ask your brother to invite you for a good, lengthy visit. That's what he can do to help you in a practical way. Let your husband find out what happens when you're not on the scene. This would not be selfish, but merely a heads-up. Because if you carry on as you are, your husband and his family might well have to do without you permanently on account of they'll have buried you.
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WAIT! Your BIL uses your MIL SS to live? You need to report them for Elder abuse. They cannot use her money. That is wrong on so many levels. Start there.
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So SIL has already bullied you and your H into spending money (respite, eventual burial expenses?) so SHE doesn't have to. Nice. As your MIL becomes more needy, SIL will probably come up with excuses as to why SHE can't take care of MIL.

So here's my suggestion -- get your doctor to put in writing that YOUR HEALTH makes it impossible for you to take care of MIL any longer. Get your statement before SIL informs everyone that SHE can't take of her mother any longer. MIL then becomes HER problem. While MIL is also your H's problem, HE isn't doing any of the work, is he? YOU ARE. Is he putting his mother before you? If so, then consider that. Why isn't HE taking care of his mother when he gets home from work?
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Thank you all so very much!! Someone that actually listens, what a blessing but unfortunately all of her funds have been used in a way in which Medicaid would possibly be impossible! I've been trying to drill this one into everyone's head but they just ignore me! Her burial place is about 650 miles from my home, so I can't imagine what that cost would be! Assisted living in my area run close to $4,000 a mo. I'm on disability and my husband is near retirement, guess he will have to just keep going!! We just can't afford it , I can't figure ( and believe me I HAVE tried)! SIL has told me on several occasions that not 1 penny would be coming from them to help with any financial or funeral expenses!! I don't believe that his mother ever charged him for living in her house until he was 45!!! It's just really sad and I pray every night to be a bigger person and to be stronger, the pain just consumes me! They actually brought her to my house 3 days after I had my knee replaced!!??! Are these even humans that have and empathy chip AT ALL?
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Sounds to me like you have taken on more than you can adequately handle. You need to find a permanent care solution for your MIL. You need to take your own health and wellbeing into consideration NOW, before it's too late. MIL's funds should be paying for everything, not your own personal funds. I agree with the other responses.
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Isn't it interesting that your husband takes time to GO HUNTING, yet YOU don't get time off?

Respite should be paid out of her funds. What's her situation financially? Will she eventually qualify for Medicaid?
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I t sounds as though MIL needs a higher level of care than family can provide. Yes, talk to her doctor about this, but start researching Nursing Homes.

MIL's funds should be apent on her care. Both families should have a caregiving contract in place ao that room, board and caregiving are paid for. Respite as well should be paid for out of her funds.
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Does your MIL go to your GP? Or does she have her own GP near you? Talking your MIL's situation through with him/her, discussing her care needs and your ability to provide for them, and your concerns about how well (or badly) she's looked after when she's not at your home, could be fruitful.

Your husband doesn't want to discuss this within the family, perhaps because it is a very stressful situation with no obvious, easy answers, and he doesn't want to face it until he's forced to. But if a professional outsider were to give an assessment it might start the ball rolling towards getting your MIL's care better organised. At the moment it isn't working for her or for you, so if your husband is reluctant to help, look for other allies.
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