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How do I start? My brother and I can't leave home until we ensure my mom will be taken care of first. We want to eventually put her in assisted living or a rest home but she's being resistant to the idea because she wants to age in place.

If mom wants to "age in place" that is HER choice.

She needs to make arrangements for her needs to be attended to.

This is NOT your responsibility. If you wish to live elsewhere, do so.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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The KEY to all of this, Miku, is financial independence.

You need a job. You need to save money. That allows you to move out and live independently.

Point A is getting a job. Without a job, you have no ability to live independently.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Mikurotoro92 Nov 22, 2022
So you're saying focus on getting a job and saving up money first THEN once I am moved out start going after the things I want like a partner?

Getting a job is the starting point?
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And how does she believe that will happen? Does she have a plan? Can she afford it?
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Reply to Fawnby
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'Age in place'. Who coined that phrase?

We can all Age in Place. There are many ways..

With dignity & grace. Accepting we may need help. Arranging & hiring such help. Running our household like a CEO or Royalty.

Or by pretending nothing has or will ever change. Live in denial, or fear. Refusing to help ourselves. Maybe damaging our relationships with unrealistic expectations.

Is it really about wanting to 'Age in Place'? Or not wanting to *Age* at all?
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Pmruns Nov 18, 2022
“Is it really about wanting to 'Age in Place'? Or not wanting to *Age* at all?”

Beatty - Thank you for making my own situation that much more clear. I think this may be the case with a lot of LO’s (maybe not all, but a lot). Unrealistic expectation of the ability/willingness of others to care for them as they age paired with the denial/refusal to accept that they are aging. It’s a recipe for relationship disaster.
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In my opinion, you, as a high-functioning adult with autism, find a program that teaches people such as yourself basic life skills that allow you to function in the greater world around you and will teach you the things that you absolutely need to know in order to be independent.

Your mother needs a lot more help than you and your brother can provide. Plus, you both are young people, and should not be spending your youth on caregiving for your mother. Your mother has lived her life and now it's time for you and your brother to help each other and live yours.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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She can age in place if she has sufficient 'support system' which is what you and brother should be arranging.

She will be evaluated and the proper level of care assigned to her. You don't state what her level of health is, so I can't guess at what she'd need.

You can arrange for in home care, and Meals on Wheels or something to that level.

You don't give enough info as to her basic health issues to make a judgment call.

Can she performs her ADL'S ? Can she walk without aid? Does she have any evel of dementia? All these are questions that should be addressed.

Truth is, she's going to 'age in place' wherever she's living.
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Reply to Midkid58
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-deal-with-or-cope-with-caring-for-my-mom-476945.htm

Above is ur first post from September 2022. You say Mom has a Dementia. If so, its no longer what she wants, its what she needs. Is this a cultural thing? You can have Mom evaluated for 24/7 care. If there is no money for private caregivers, then you apply for Medicaid and place her in Longterm care. If she has money, place her in a nice Memory care.

At 29 you are entitled to your own life. You need you work. I would call Office of the aging and have them come and evaluate your situation.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You are allowing her to determine how you should live. This is a time when you should be out enjoying yourself, building your financial future, and your own family (if you desire).

The first step in getting a contingency plan is to tell your mother you can no longer care for her. Once she understands you can't do it, you can start to plan what additional care she may need. Set a date when you will stop caring for her and work to that date. If she doesn't want you help to find other help, step away, it is not your issue.
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Reply to Mountaingyrl
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Mikurotoro92 Nov 20, 2022
Yeah but it's not by choice

I lack the adequate resources needed to become independant

Fortunately, we have a lady named Cathy who is helping us learn the skill-sets that will eventually get us to the point of being able to truly break free from our mom!

Before I can give her a date to stop being her caregiver I must first have a place to be able to move to and money to be able to buy house

This is what I'm working on and it's why I am applying for a job
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In creating a contingency plan, the place to start is your local Area Agency on Aging.

You call them up and ask that your mother get "Case Management Services". This will generally get you a Social Worker who will meet with mom (and you as caregiver. With mom's permission) and figure out what services she needs to be able to stay in the home without your help.

Thabks for the additional information, Miku! I appreciate your being forthcoming.

The first step for you is to find a job. You need an employment history. Starting with a fast food place (Taco Bell, McD, Pizza Hut) is great. They are all hiring right now.

WOrting will get you out of the house, expose you to other people and new situations so you can practice social skills. Work on developing relationships right now, not looking for love. Love will find you when you're ready.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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If SHE can't handle her own life in order to age in place, then she doesn't get to age in place. I don't know that dementia has to be proven -- if she can't take care of herself and you and your brother don't care to do it, then her options are to hire in-home care or move to a facility.

Reading your profile tells me you have a lot more to deal with regarding your mother than just her care. If you can't hold firm to your intention to move out, then this is all just fantasy. Set a date when YOU'RE moving out, and stick to it. If nothing else, you'll have that physical separation that may force Mom to deal with her life, or at least it'll allow you a place to retreat to when you don't want to be with her.

And for heaven's sake, buy yourself a dress YOU like and ignore your mother's opinions about it.
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Mikurotoro92 Nov 20, 2022
I bought an inappropriate dress on Friday and my mom would FLIP if she saw it but I was able to sneak it in without her finding out

Of course I want to move out

It's just I currently lack the resources needed to do so

My mom continues to treat me like a little kid and it's time for her to STOP pushing me and my brother around and accept that we are both adults!
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