COVID isolated and lonely with accelerated decline, my 91 year old mom has late stage dementia....bring her home to pass or let it be?

When my husband (74) was in the middle of a long stint in a “rehabilitation snf” they shut down visitation. He couldn’t talk on the phone or participate in video chat so I was completely dependent on the over worked caregivers to keep me posted on how he was doing. They dismissed him and lied to me that he was an “easy transfer” when I picked him up it took three people to get him in the car. I was livid. But at least I could look after him.

Within a few days he was back in hospital where I could not go, then back to another SNF for more “rehab”. At that time I was not aware of just how bad his health was. When he arrived at the SNF they put him on 14 day quarantine. Even though he had been tested for the virus and was clear of it. Which once again put me in a position of being unable to even SEE him because they wouldn’t allow him out of his room. After 5 days I brought him home. He wouldn’t eat, take meds, and barely took any fluids.

Within a few days he was back in the hospital again. They wanted him to be discharged after a few days to another nursing facility. I said No I’m carrying him home. We set up hospice and brought in the hospital bed, lift, oxygen etc.
By that time I realized that he didn’t have much time left. I told him he never had to go to the hospital or skilled nursing facility again and he didn’t have to do anything he didn't want to. He said Yes! And then smiled his last smile.

You don’t live long when you don’t eat or drink anything. He died in less than two weeks. That was May 21, 2020. I was with him holding his hand when he passed. Hospice was such a blessing to us. I don’t regret bringing him home for his last days because I know he was comfortable, cared for and felt loved. Do what you feel you should, but I’ll bet your mom had rather be home with you.

Hello Mikersgirl, Your post could not be more timely. My 85 year old mother has been in assisted living in another state for seven years due to Parkinson's and other age related issues. Her doctor told me today she is nearing the end and asked my permission to order a hospice evaluation to begin receiving hospice care. I am in the same boat as you, debating whether to leave her where she is or try to move her halfway across the country to a place near me. My heart says bring her closer to me, my mind says she is better off where she is. I was supposed to visit her in May but that got cancelled due to COVID, and her place in a hard hit state is not yet allowing visitors. All I can do is a very infrequent Facetime courtesy of an aide's iPad. I stumbled upon this forum thanks to Google, and it has helped me accept that she is better off staying put. I hope they will at least allow me to visit in her final days. It is such a difficult and unprecedented time for so many families. Whatever choice you make, I wish you and your Mom peace.

my father turned 97 in late March, we saw him last in early March before they shut things down.  You can call in and ask how she is doing.  My father was in late states also with dementia and probably didn't realize that we had not been in to see him.  When he got close to passing the nurse called and said that if we wanted to come in to see him (she suggested as it was only a matter of time) we could.  We went into to see him, he was resting comfortably and did not know we were there.  You must also realize that IF your mother does not pass shortly, are you equipped to handle her hygiene needs?  some people can be on hospice for quite some time so unless you are prepared to handle all those hygienic needs, it would be easier to let her where she is.  IF she is not in pain (also, do you have the capability to administer pain meds), I would say leave her there.  I think we all want to ease OUR pain of leaving them in a place away from home, but for them they don't know any difference.  Its our pain that we want comfort for.    I am sure that when the time comes or gets close, the nursing facility will allow you to come in and stay with her for as long as you need to (of course with full virus gear on).  My father passed 3 hours after we left.  Every situation of passing is difficult, regardless of the time or situation, but if your mother is not aware of anything, don't add stress on her body by moving her to just make you feel better.  I don't want this to sound harsh, but what would happen if she passes in route to your house? Only God knows when our time is up, ask to sit with her at the nursing home when its close.  Wishing you luck and sorry there is such a thing as dementia.