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She is very unhappy with his decisions about everything from money to place of residence. He is not family and she wants her daughter-in-law to take over. Is it too late for her to express displeasure in him if he has had her declared incompetent? What recourse does family have if they can't afford an attorney?

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After reflecting on my experience with people experiencing dementia or Alzheimer's, I personally would never do it again, I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing.
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If she really has dementia then she's incompetent and can't make competent decisions. This turned out to be the case with my foster dad when he developed dementia because he could no longer make competent decisions and a guardian took over. Even if you're doing the right thing, I noticed that a dementia patient has a strong tendency to falsely accuse you even when you're not doing anything wrong. From my observations I noticed they have a strong tendency to not get stuff right in their minds and they may have wrong ideas going through their heads and this is why they may falsely accuse you partly because they've already forgotten what you both previously discussed. For instance, dad could send me out for dinner and be in his right mind only to forget by time you get back even a few minutes later. This is especially frustrating especially when it happens repeatedly and you just don't know what to do or who to turn to. This kind of behavior went on for a little while before I finally found the right connections and the right help because dad was more like a Chinese puzzle I just couldn't solve
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Always questionable when it's a third party involved. Why aren't they a Guardian? What are her specific allegations related to her friends care? Has she discussed these concerns with the POA? The friend could tape her friend talking about concerns. Take pictures of any bruises, symptoms of neglect and call the local Area Office of Aging or County Department of Social Services. If you have problems locating the right people call the County Sheriff and ask who covers Elder Abuse. They will know exactly.
2 points
1.YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REPORT ANONYMOUSLY.
2.MAKE SURE TO OBTAIN PERMISSION FROM YOUR FRIEND FOR YOUR RECORDING AND TAKING PICTURES. RECORD HER GIVING IT. NC is a 1 only state. I can record anything I want with only my permission. Also, as long as you are reporting in good faith you will be free from repercussions.
God Bless you both
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Now 85, I'm going to make an appointment with the lawyer who recently drew up my will so he can create a durable POA for me to give to my older son. I want to spare my children the difficulties I faced when my father died suddenly, leaving me responsible for my mother, who had end stage Alzheimer's. I had just started a new job, and still had one child living at home.
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Yikes. There sure are mixed fine points.
One gal's Mom was declared incompetent by one Doc, about a month after 2 of her kids got her to put _them_ on as POA's.
Except the lawyer went ahead, later, and said Mom was competent enough to sign to add kid #3 as co-POA.
So there goes kid 3, thinking she has a real POA....to the bank, investment person, and other things, trying to be responsible and learn what she needs to know, to be a responsible POA...because the others refuse to keep her informed.
#3 finds out, the banker and the investment person do _not_ honor the new POA.
The other 2 kids keep pressuring her to do things that require that new POA, but, it's apparently invalid [for good reason?].
There needs to be better, clearer rules, on how POA's can, or not, be changed, once the person is declared incompetent.
It should be the same in each of the person's Docs' records. But in this case, it was not.
The lawyer should have known better than to buckle to the elder's requests to add the 3rd kid on as Co-POA, after-the-fact. He had a copy of that Doc's assessment.
But he did it anyway.
The whole thing is seriously messed-up. Crazy things happen, surrounding incompetency.
It sounds like your lady's POA decision must be up to the judge, not the incompetent elder. You will need some sort of good proof, that the current person is unfit, otherwise, the judge will likely toss the case out. Because....Elders commonly complain bitterly about how things are, as part of their "losing it".
It can be terribly emotional, very convincing, very wearing on listeners.
You could allow the existing POA to do the job, good bad or indifferent.
Or resign yourself to the fact of the elder losing everything over the course of their being in a facility. It's terribly costly. There may be costs you're unaware of, eating up the lady's funds, too.
Be very sure that the risk/cost: benefit ratio involved in trying to get that woman's POA changed, works out for you; that is, avoid contesting it, if doing that will end up with you being impoverished, too.
In some cases, it might be better to seek counseling, to help you handle what's happening....sometimes that's as good as it gets.
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Individuals with dementia are not competent to make those types of decisions.
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Once a person has dementia/alzheimers they are probably incompetent in the eyes of the law. A person in charge of medical or attorney like issues still has an obligation to follow state/and federal law. Contact health and human services, the attorney general for your state, and an attorney. Discuss what concerns you have with an attorney and the fact that you may not be able to pay a lot.
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FYI - I did research & got Mom to sign a DURABLE POA while still competent. That cannot be revoked. She has now been declared incompetent by both a doctor & the VA. The DPOA (from what I researched) needs to be signed during a state of competency. Best of luck & stick with it!!
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But she has to be willing to go; hub's aunt's been like this forever but then says she can't leave her hub/hub's uncle to go to one, so....
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Does your mother also live in Orange County? If so, their Office On Aging might be helpful: http://officeonaging.ocgov.com/about

And/or a resource for legal services could be the O.C. Senior Citizens Legal Advocacy Program.

If she lives elsewhere, similar resources can be located through Google or other search engines.

Finding out exactly where you stand could take away some of the worry and get you headed in the right direction in the legal system where she lives.

Blessings for a peaceful resolution to this challenge.
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There is a difference between incompetence as per a doctor and competence by a lawyer. My partner was declared to have "severe dementia" by a POA who stole money from the elderly - on more than one occasion. He was friends with the Public Trustee, so together, they colluded to fight me on having this erroneous diagnosis overturned. I took her to a lawyer and found that if she was competent to understand what she wanted at the time she was signing papers, then that changed will and changed POA stood. It was a fight, but the lawyer was proved right and the POA was changed. AND she did NOT have severe dementia. She had depression or early stage dementia - also not proven by the stupid doctor who asked his wife to do the assessment. Here in the west coast of Canada, if an elder farts in public they have severe dementia.
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Obviously the writer of this question is a third party. Not the incompetent person and not the POA. If this third party is witnessing some improper or negligent activity of the POA then they have a responsiblity to report it. Just because someone is declared imcompetent doesn't necessarily mean they are always wrong. They could have legitimate complaints, and they deserve to be looked into by some authority. Which means some legal action needs to take place. If this produces evidence that the POA in not acting in the best interests of the incompetent person, then absolutely yes, the POA can be and will be changed. But no the incompetent person can not just change their mind" and make a change.
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What makes you think an incompetent person with dementia can make sound judgments? The Court must feel this person is making the correct decisions. Visit for the time she has left, and stop interfering and listening to complaints. Everyone with dementia complains! Even those of us without dementia complain...
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Sorry for the typo, I was trying to say incompetent person
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The court or a guardian can make changes, but definitely not the end competent person so no it can't be overturned at least not by the person. I don't know where you're from, but around here things are definitely done a certain way, especially where the person themselves set up wills and funeral arrangements when they were competent. Usually no way can things can't be overturned if the person set up certain things when they were competent, someone I used to know who since died even said this of how he had things set up for himself should something ever happen to him. He had things set up in such a way that it could not be overturned by anyone and his wishes were honored
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Of course it can be overturned if you can show that he's not acting on her behalf. Not saying it's easy, but it can be overturned, especially if he's being financially irresponsible, negligent, or abusive in any manner or the facility she's in isn't a match for her needs (e.g., she needs memory care and there is none where she is, she's taken a sharp decline bc no socialization, a series of bed sores or infections....). Even if or while you can't move her though, you may find things and work with the facility that can make her more comfortable.
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No. Incompetent people cannot make competent decisions, dementia and Alzheimer's interfere with competency. Whatever was done when the person was competent must stand now and cannot be overturned
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I'm glad this issue was raised because pamstegma's post alerted me that New York's guardianship laws are more stringent than when I was appointed my mother's guardian in 1979. I'm 85, living in an independent living facility in Florida, and setting up all my legal and financial matters so my son in another state can take over if I become incompetent or when I die.
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He did not declare her incompetent, the Judge did. The Judge also appointed the Guardian and only the Judge can remove the Guardian. The Judge also approves where she lives. So back to court you go. If you can't afford the attorney, chances are you won't be a Guardian. I had to be fingerprinted, background checked and credit checked to be a Guardian in NY
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