When does it become easier to cope with a parent's death? - AgingCare.com

When does it become easier to cope with a parent's death?

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I am the youngest sibling of seven and my mother passed away just recently this year. I am a single mother of three children and my mother was my best friend and my rock. My mother suffered from Alzaihmer's. I feel so much pain and sadness over her loss that I just cant seem to move on with my life. I have been told that as time goes by it should get easier but I just feel that it becomes harder each and every day. How long will I continue to feel this way ?

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Millie, let me start by saying I feel your pain! I lost my daddy 6 months ago to Alzhemier's/Dementia on Good Friday. My daddy was my all. I lost my Mother at the age of 19, and I'm now 47 so he played a dual role in my life for 29 years after the death of my Mother. The pain of loosing him is sometimes more than I care bare. There are days when I literally dont want to get out of bed, days where I dont want to do anything at all but just sit around and think about him. I know my Father wouldn't want this, but for now I just can't help it. I try not to bother my Husband and there are times that I hide my tears from him because I dont want him to feel like when is this going to stop. I feel so alone and empty inside. All of my life my Father would tell me how much he loved me and as along as he is living I didnt have to want or need for anything. Oh how I miss hearing the I love you, and hey my baby doll soooo much. My tears are not selfish tears or wishing and wanting him back because I know his dying was God's will. I just miss him and the laughs. Also my thoughts of him are never the sad thoughts they are all good thoughts. Please hold on to the Good Memories dont think of the sadness, and thank God for blessing you with such a Great Parent because there are so many people out honestly cant say that they had good or great Parents. I tried Grief Counseling through the Hospital where he was a Patient but for some reason I didnt find it helpful. I'm in search of finding another counselor where i dont have to pay because I need it. I have many friends that i can talk to but who wants to hear of this? especially if they havent gone through it themselves. Each person greives differently with time. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way I want the pain to go away.
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It is 2 years now since my Mother passed away and I still find it very hard to move
on, I have some councilling, but it is taking a long time.
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Mom passed away 9/27 from Alzheimer's dementia. The whole experience from her moving in with me and seeing her change physically and mentally, wrecking her car and ending up in a nursing home was the most gut wrenching, upsetting experience ever. It feels like I've been thru some kind of war.

Knowing she's in heaven, a better place, makes me smile. I cry every day but afterwards I look around me and see how blessed I am. I especially take comfort in exploring my new found faith in God, in the beauty of nature, and my true friends and family. I remember whispering to her "I love you, see you in about 20-30 years." That sort of made me feel a little better, knowing our separation is temporary. It's just so hard to live the new "normal", as they say. My Mom was my best friend. We did everything together, the best companion! I often think about how Mom would handle something or what would she say about a certain subject. I know she wouldn't want to see me moping around. She was a feisty lady!

Have you been through bereavement counseling/classes? I'm starting mine this Sunday at a church I like. Keeping busy seems to help too. Try a new routine or tradition with your kids. Sometimes I have to make myself try something new or to change an attitude. I also take an antidepressant medication and have been talking to a psychiatrist for awhile. Maybe it's time to talk with your doctor.

Hope you feel better soon.
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MILLIE:

If there were a cookie-cutter formula for grief, I'd have gotten over mine years ago. Dad passed away in 1997, and I thought I'd never bring myself to accept it. But to move on, we have to. ACCEPTANCE, the 5th Stage of Grief, is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is permanent.

I see so much of my Dad in my sons and grandsons. The body's gone, but his spirit lives on. Instead of sitting in a corner mourning his passing, I celebrated his life and legacy. Cleansing tears flow once in a blue moon and I miss him so much. But life goes on. With or without me.
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My Mom passed 6 weeks ago from Alzheimer's. She was with me the last 3 yrs, and passed right here in my home while I was holding her. My condolences on you loss. Losing a parent (at any age, and whether we close to them or not), is one of the greatest losses of our lives for so many reasons.

When my dad died suddenly back in 1989, I asked an acquaintance who had lost her father while she was in her teens, how long it took her to 'get over it'. She said 'I'll let you know." She was 35 at the time.

I still mourn my dad's death, my husband mourns his mom's - I'm talking choked up tears in your eyes mourning, more often than you'd think, and they've both been gone more than 20 yrs.

With Mom, it still being so fresh, and still dealing with the legalities and all, I find it helps to 'compartmentalize' my grief. Acknowledge it, cry, scream, write on a board like this, etc., but find a time and place for the grief.

In the beginning I told everyone (lady on the train, check-out clerks, phone solicitors) bursting into tears each time. I don't do that so much now. I talk to her, I cry over her, but I tend to do it when I'm alone.

Of course there will be a "perma-sadness" attached to Mom's death, just as there is with my dad, but I still have a life to live, and I chose not to live it in perpetual, ongoing grief. She would not want that for me - and I am sure your Mom would not want that for you.
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