When does it become easier to cope with a parent's death? - AgingCare.com

When does it become easier to cope with a parent's death?

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I am the youngest sibling of seven and my mother passed away just recently this year. I am a single mother of three children and my mother was my best friend and my rock. My mother suffered from Alzaihmer's. I feel so much pain and sadness over her loss that I just cant seem to move on with my life. I have been told that as time goes by it should get easier but I just feel that it becomes harder each and every day. How long will I continue to feel this way ?

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Rosehooks, this is for you. I am not a physician but, nevertheless, I can tell that your comments are pretty clearly telling us all that you are suffering from deep depression. There are prescription medications that will help you get through this terrible time in your life. Please think about yourself and talk to your physician about what's available. The old expression, "Better living through chemistry" is not a joke.
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I am so sorry that your mom passed away. My father died 7 years ago on tomorrow and he was a hard working man all his life. Coming from a large family,, every coped and still in their own way. I think that grief has its own thumbprint within a person. Its wonderful that you have a good support system and comfort. Time is the ultimate healer and remember you are a mom and your kids need you to be healthy for them. My father didn't want to go he told me. He was 77 with heart problems. That made it rough for me have to deal with it. It is sad the way a person passes sometimes and that makes it harder. Your mom raised a beautiful person and passed down a treasure within herself which is you. Be blessed and thank God for your family and friends being there for you.
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It becomes easier to cope with a parents death as time goes by. The longer the time is from the time of passing the easier it is to cope. The length of time that it takes to get over the grieving process depends on the individual. Hope this helps. :-) Wayne
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HI Millie, I still have my Mom with me, who has alzheimers, but I do understand your grief. I lost my Dad 11 years ago and he was my best friend. I did two things. #1 I started a room makeover project and #2 every time I thought of my Dad I wrote down things he said. I now have a book called "Things Dad used to Say" next to my bed, makes me feel close to him. I always heard (still do), his advice in my brain and I wrote it all down. I figure if I died I would hope someone would remember me and talk about me, so talk about her, write a little book on her, give your children her advice and hang in there, it does get better.
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I agree that this is a process and you have to find time for the process so you can heal. But you also mention that you have 3 children who need you just like you needed your mom. Hopefully that dynamic will help you heal. I also agree that counseling can help you work through the grief process and minimize the damage that could occur without effective management.

Rereading this it sounds cold, so I just want to add that I have faced this grief process, my dad died 12 years ago today and my husband committed suicided 15 years ago. My mother is very ill and not expected to last long, and I know that it will be hard when she passes. So, I am not offering advice that I have not taken. I am sorry for your very real loss, and glad you have children. I have two and it helped me. God bless.
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My dad passed away in June, 2006. Today, Nov. 3rd is his birthday. He'd have been 97. This morning, I went to the cemetery and placed flowers at his grave. I did not go there to mourn,I went to celebrate his life and what he meant and still means to me. Everything we did together, things he taught me, have had such an impact on my life and given me direction. My father may be physically gone, but he lives on through me and my children and the things we experienced with him. Sounds kinda' deep and even somewhat hokey, but it's not. It's how I feel. I just hope that I'll have the same effect on my kids and grandkids. I hope that you will be comforted in knowing that all your mom's efforts and energies will continue to live on through you and the impact you have on other people's lives. I'm not a deep, spiritual person, but I do believe that those that have influenced our lives continue to do so even after they're gone.
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I am also sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain. My mom passed away 3 months ago and also had Alzheimers. People tell me it was a blessing since she was so sick at the end. I had to make the decision to turn off life support. Sometimes it's hard for us to understand why it would be good for someone to die. I selfishly still wanted her here for me.
I have tears in my eyes writing this. I have had trouble with grieving...For the first month, I felt the need to tell everyone I spoke to. I still feel like I need to share my grief, but people are sometimes uncomfortable when you tell them. So I try to talk to my daughter and husband when I need support. I do think talking about it helps, and it helps you work through all the thoughts going through your head.
My father is in the nursing home now, and I am left with cleaning out the house. I have tried a couple times, but the memories make it difficult. After 3 months, I still haven't removed her clothes.
So I guess I'm saying like everyone else. After only being through this for a short time, it looks like there will always be an ache in my heart. It hasn't gotten any better, but life must go on and I am better at facing people each day. I am hoping time will help me cope, but that ache will always be there.
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Millie,
My mom passed away 3 weeks ago in our home from alzheimer's. I bought a house 6 months ago so I could take care of her and let her die in a loving environment with her family. Even though I've had the last few months to get used to the idea, her death still hurts. I was with her so much that now, alone, I feel as if I'm missing my right arm. But I am not in despair because I feel that I did everything I could to make her last months happy and to assure her she was loved. My religious beliefs comfort me knowing she is in heaven with my father and all her dear ones that passed before her. God gave me a wonderful mother and father to have for as long he deemed right. We are all really "on loan" to the world until God decides to call us back home. When I feel particularly blue I just try to remember that I was blessed to have them while I did and that, when I'm reunited with them, it will be forever. I know that she would want me to continue to live the best life I can in testament to my parents' loving care and my faith in God. Millie, I hope that sharing these thoughts with you gives you a little comfort. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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There is no stock answer for your question. Everyone morns the passing of a loved one differently. My father passed a little over 5 years ago. We were not just father and son, we were best friends. We did everything together. For me it was time that helped me get over his death from CHF. I still miss him and everything we did together, but I have all those memories to hold onto to and they make me smile everytime I think about them.

I know my father would not have wanted me to morn him forever. Based upon what you said about your Mom I doubt she would want you to morn her forever and not continue with your life. You indicated that your Mom was a rock. You are her daughter and have those same traits within you. Find them and become the rock for your kids and pass on the love your mother gave to you. Mom will always be watching and I think it would make her proud if you would do this.

You also have to be happy for your Mom. She is no longer suffering from Alzheimer's. It is such a nasty disease not only for the person who has it but also for those who love that person.

Let go, but never forget.
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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. There are no "right" words to console anyone on a precious loss like this. As a 59 year old male, I still think of my mom and its been over 25 years ago. She passed on at one week before her 65th birthday never saw her first Social Security (retirement check).

My only advice to you is to be happy you have your children to give you strength. Try to think of their future. They need your guidance, and strength. Surround yourself with your friends/family both at home and at the workplace.

How do your siblings feel about your loss? Get together and discuss the good things your mom did for you to keep the family together. Talking about the "old times" helps to bring a smile and relieves tension.

My dad is 89 now and still misses her. He never re-married. He is now in an assisted living community surrounded by good, caring people and friends and this helps him cope. How I will deal with his death.. probably like I did with my mom. Have a good cry and let all of my emotions release. But I know he is a good provider, protected our country in W.W. II, and overall a rock solid good human being and that will help me cope.

But if you feel very depressed ALL the time, a professional counselor will give you better tips on coping with this loss. Never forget your children and family/friends need you, too! You will survive this, it is a natural thing in our lives.
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