Coping with Dementia again. What do I do?

Please make it a priority to see a counsellor. You are having a PTSD-like reaction to similar circumstances. A counsellor who specializes in grief and understands PTSD treatment is probably going to serve you best. The goal is to "be there" for your Aunty and to be able to show her love while she is "still here."

kath61: Imho, you could still continue to visit your aunt. You are a STELLAR human being; truly, you are, dear kath. You will look back with fondness on these wonderful visits.

I had 5 “mother’s”. My birth mom was the oldest of 5 sisters.

The last one, the “baby”, is now on hospice at 93, but has some very good days. I visit every other day.

I think I count on those better days to pull me through the bad ones.

During the last year, she’s had Covid infections twice, and I sometimes feared that I’d never get to see her again. We can still joke once in a while, she can still complain about my clothes or make up, I can still say “I love you, see you later”.

Those are the pay offs for me.

I’m sure your mother’s loss is still very fresh for you, much more so than mine. Still each loss was a time of suffering.

Could it help at all to take each visit as just that one moment in time? That seems to help me a little.

Everything where I am has been ruined by Covid. I try to take some little thing to make her smile, we “read” a newspaper together and I share the gossip. Nothing really helps, or changes things, but there can still be little rays of sunshine.

I visit before lunch and leave as soon as lunch is served (or sooner). I never try to extend visits beyond my comfort level. When she’s not connecting at all, I leave sooner.

Last week during one visit she said my name, unprompted and in conversation, during one visit. Like a gift.

I’ll be thinking of you both.

Does your Aunt have Hospice in to help the family if she is living at home or if she is in a facility is Hospice coming in?
If so you can use the services of Hospice as well. They have a Chaplain that would be assigned to her as well as a Social Worker.
Ask to talk to the Chaplain if that would help you emotionally.
Hospice also has Bereavement Support and if you did not get that when your mom died it might be a help.
It is difficult to see someone that you know is going to die.
When I was going through the same with my Husband I decided that the tears that I shed were what I called "selfish tears" I knew I was going to lose him, I did not want him to die but I most certainly did not want him to live the way he was. It was not "living". He would not have wanted to live the way he was.
When you next see your Aunt talk to her about all the things she has done, the things you have done together. tell her that you will miss her. Thank her for all she has done for you.
((hugs))

Whether you stop seeing her or you don't, it will still be hard for you. You're a human being who loves and there's no changing that.
Keep seeing your aunt. When she does finally go to God's mercy, you will feel better about it and won't have the added pain of guilt and regret.