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I'm the daughter in law and have taken on the majority of the caregiving because none of my husbands siblings will step up to the plate. We have gone to them and asked for their help now. Two weeks after this meeting I let everyone know that I would be taking a week off for a breather and family time. The other siblings are giving me grief about it saying that my husband should pick up MY slack during this time off. When in reality, I am still "on the job" even if he does take up my slack. Are we not supposed to have a weeks worth of family time without the responsibility of his parents? They all think that just because I don't work that its my responsibility to take care of their parents. I'm also pretty sure they are resentful of me because I have been the one to get the ball rolling on things, but its because none of them have taken the initiative to do it. For almost a year now, my husband and I have been doing the primary caregiving with very little help and now that we have asked for help its getting down to nitpicking things that they are throwing at us.

As a daughter in law in all of this how should I handle it with the parents as far as backing down from most of the responsibility but not all of it. How do I let my mother in law know that I'm backing down from my position without making her feel like its because of her being a burden on me? Thats how she feels anyway even though I've assured her that is not the case...I just need some help to take care of them. And how do I let her know all of this without having to let her know its because of her kids actions? I respect this woman too much to badmouth her kids to her. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because she has depended on ME for the last year with my husbands support instead of the other way around, but in the same since I don't want to lie to her either.

As far as the rest of the kids, I have come to the conclusion that they can think whatever they want to of me....they are no longer a part of me. Its my mother and father in laws wellbeing that is my primary concern after my own husband and kids.

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God bless all you in-law caregivers. I am an in-law caregiver (retired now for 1-1/2 years), and I am stressed beyond belief. My husband is supportive but still works and does not really know how to help me. I don't love or like my in-laws. They are rude and selfish and don't care how demanding they are. I want to make their lives pleasant, but they are so unpleasant. I cry on a regular basis and wish it would all end. Anyone who is going through this has my sympathy; i just wish I could stop feeling guilty for hating the position I am in.
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GRRRRR You don't HAVE to caregive Why do we all think we do have to. It's not right, it's not fair and it is certainly not reasonable to EXPECT a businesswoman to give up her job to care for her mother in law. I don't care WHO earns the most money. It simply is not about the money here. Firstly its not the responsibility of the children to pay for their parents care for starters. Secondly caregiving comes as a package of emotional turmoil and stress as the caregivers suddenly gets transitioned into a situation they have no experience of and even less knowledge of how to manage. It's not even like childbirth where you have 9 months to prepare - this is sudden transitioning.

My personal view and it is personal not judgemental at all is that all partners should consult through mediation on this so both feel able to speak without resistance and both people's view should be HEARD. Assisted living is likely to be the end outcome so sooner rather than later would be my advice in tis type of situation. Who am I to comment.? Im the businesswoman who DID give up her job to care for my own mother and I find that incredibly stressful, financially ruinous and totally unsupported by professionals who will tell anyone who cares to listen that they care about the people in their caseloads....twaddle....they care about ticking boxes and getting you off their caseload as soon as possible and if you even dare to disagree they will send in the big guns to tell you what to do.

If that happens to you make sure you have your own big guns there too and then they have to listen. My big gun was my daughter......she just sat quietly and took notes as did their associate and said periodically....please have the courtesy to hear my mother out her viewpoint is quite important in this you know since you are expecting her to do all the caring. She never wavered once in what she said just kept repeating that phrase because they KEPT interrupting me.

Just a word of caution for those of you who are or are about to embark on this route and some of the tricks along the way that I have learned
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Oops sorry, just saw added new post!
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This post is from 2011
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weesheart, I completely understand what you are gong through! My situation is nearly identical to yours except that my husband is an only child so there are so siblings to fight with. My MIL has a brother that lives out of state and no other family. My husband and I owned a business and I was working from home when my MIL's dementia started and had to stop to care for her. I had no choice because my husband earns more and we needed his income. She was hospitalized for s few weeks after overdosing on insulin and other prescriptions and recovered at our home for two weeks. As the female I was stuck with bathing, and personal care. After she returned home (prior to dementia diagnosis) I ended up having to take her for Doctor appts, shopping, cleaning, and managing her medications. I was a Business Manager so naturally all the paperwork, research, insurance issues and her finances fell on me also. He tries to help but he couldn't do that after working all day. It seems some have bashed your husband a bit but I understand that as a team sometimes one of you has to take the harder part so one of you can continue to work and earn a living. But if I were you I would be super upset with your husbands siblings! And upset with her husband for not setting them straight. It sounds like they don't respect him and he needs to stand up to them. I have had some anger with my MILs brother for his lack of help. Although he did step up and agree to pay for an aide 4-6 hours a week to help me out. But now the argument has been that she desperately needs more care and it has taken me months and months to convince my husband and his uncle of this. Finally at Christmas the aide had 4 days off, my husband also had 4 days off work so he went with me to handle his mothers care. All of s sudden the state of her dementia hit him like a ton of bricks. We usually discussed her care on a daily basis but apparently experiencing it made it real. He has since been way more supportive and very emotional. I also gave him s scare because I came down with a heart condition that requires me to reduce my stress. We have taken steps now to get her into Assisted Living soon. A few days ago I emailed him and his uncle quotes from the amazing people on this forum along with a chart of the stages of dementia to help convince them that she needs more care. His uncle is still not on board but it doesn't matter because we have the POA not him. You may have to take drastic measures to get some help. Go away and see your family TAKE YOUR WELL DESERVED BREAK and tell your husbands useless siblings that your husband is going with you! Leave them no choice! Secondly you need an Aide to help you. If your MIL can't afford it, could she Qualify for Medicaid? If not tell the siblings they must each contribute $100 a month to help pay an Aide. Bottom line is you have to stand up for yourself and your husband needs to stand up to his siblings. It won't be long before she will need Assisted Living or a Nursing home and they will have to contribute then. Don't try to protect them with your MIL, a harsh word from her may guilt them into helping. Just feel fortunate that you actually like your MIL. Mine has been using me, playing me, and taken advantage of me for nearly 30 years, never done a damn thing for me or her son except cause us grief and now I have to do everything for her! That will mess with your head. I feel for you and wish you all the best!
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I think you need to look ou for your yourself and if you want to go see your family do it. Ask your family dr for respite and you can get a week off and send the person to a home. My birthday is at the end of month so i called dr, nurse and social worker and told them im leaving for weekend. Im not telling my boyfriend or family until everythings in place. Then if they dont like it they can deal with it.
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That is what I am afraid of.. However, I do believe you might have it harder than myself. Sorry for that.. I have also figured it out on lost of wages and what they should of paid out for the services I have provided so far. I have family back home that could use my help too. I feel guilty because I am here taking care of my MIL as my family back home needs me alot more as my Mother is seriously ill and my grandmother who is now 92 needs me also. I wish you best of luck in your situation.
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Its going to be hard cause they are going to turn on you bad. My boyfriends brother told me i was lazy and if i didnt like it i should kill myself lol. I got mad and gave the family two invoices for my services and one for lost wages if i was working outside the home.
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Tacy022, I have been told the exact same thing. It is just getting up the nerve enough to open that can of worms. But , I do know that is what needs to happen. I appreciate your advise..
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Frustrated, i am/was in the same situation. My boyfriends brother and i have gotten into it and my boyfriend has had to step in the middle. My advice is quit asking for help because your not going to get it. They are complementing you to manipulate you into doing it. The word that has been put in my head lately is enabling. You are enabling them to push their responsibilities off on you. Today my boyfriends mom was wet and i was told by his brother to change her. I told him shes your mother, your responsibility, deal with it (i used quite a bit of profanity in the statement though) and i walked away. Im not trying to tell you to neglect her but when others are around, push the responsibility back to where ot belongs
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I am also in the same situation except my husband does help me. The situation with us is we left Florida to reside in Colorado where my husbands family lives.

We only planned on staying with my MIL for just a short while. However finding jobs and such it took a little over 6 months to complete. We now are obligated to remain here taking care of her as her demential has taken affect. I was a caregiver for a gentlemen in florida and I also took care of my Grandmother , so I have experience in the field of caregiving. I am a caring person, so when I noticed that my MIL was showing Dementia signs I decided to start making her meals and keeping an eye on her. I am self employed in Housekeeping and I was going to jobs more frequently and when I came home one day to make her lunch (oh by the way she is also a diabetic and she was responsible on her own to take her meds, at the time), I heard one awful noise and found her at the bottom of the stairs out cold, I called 911, she fractured her sternum and blacked out due to her sugar lever. She was in the hospital for over a month, I decided to tell the family that I didn't think she was taking her meds properly and felt someone should take over and physically give them to her. They chose me as my husband and I were living here with her. Now 3 years have passed and I couldn't get any help from my BIL or SIL only my husband and he was working full time , so It left me . I have had 2 meetings stating that I needed help, well that only lasted 2 weeks, then it went to they were always busy and since I worked short days it was up to me to do the work. Now her dementia has gotten worse and I am bathing her, dressing her, feeding her, meds and blood sugar checks twice a day and reminding her to go to bathroom every 2-3 hrs. Meds are 3 times a day too. I have controlled her Blood sugar and she is maintaining her weight. Now my BIL resides in the home and he always has an excuse to be busy, He is not working at this time and it drives me crazy.

I have spoken with him and he says well we don't want her to go to a home and she wants to stay home , so we have to do everything we can to keep her here. Well , My husband and I are very stressed out and trying to move without feeling guilty about it. Our marriage is stressed and I don't want our Marriage under so much chaos.

I love my MIL very much and I have spoken my piece with the family, it goes unnoticed, but not without them saying that they appreciate everything I do and they will help any way possible.. Well , that hasn't happened yet. How can I be any more clearer of what I need?

My husband and I know that when we do leave that MIL will be sent to a home and it makes us feel responsible. However stress in our lives now have taken it's toll. But how do you just state that I am done with this and leave it to the family to decide when my husband has been so good and he's the youngest son. This is his only family and we will be the outcast when we do move. This is so frustrating to say the least.

My MIL can't get any extra help financially, so having a person come in to care for her is out of the question.
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Right time to talk limits and boundaries and I am a right one to talk..... I go way past what I want or should do but lets go to a do what I say not what I do mode! PS just for info I am the only carer and only daughter and I am not married and my kids are all grown up (over 40) so things are different for me.

In the cases mention above you are talking mother in law not mother (not that this makes a huge difference but it does make a significant one). Your husband is the person responsible for her care ...end of discussion. You are not his skivvy, you are his wife. If he falls sick caring for her then it could be argued it is your responsibility to care for him, would the same be said of him if you fall sick caring for HIS mother? From what has been written I doubt it!

IT IS NOT YOUR ROLE to be caregiver for anyone else except your children and your husband UNLESS you choose to be. Now taking on a role and perhaps CHOOSING to take on that role does come with problems but it is not an indefinite role and you can CHOOSE not to continue doing it too.

So ladies time to get some backbone (and I say that in a kindly way because I appreciate how difficult this is for you), call all the family together and then say I AM NOT DOING THIS ANY MORE.

Add this for good measure. In 4 weeks time I am stopping care-giving - I will do a b and c but I am not doing d-z. This is not up for discussion or argument I am TELLING you that's whats happening so you have time to sort an alternative arrangement .

Don't issue an ultimatum or Im doing that or I am leaving unless you are prepared to act on it because they will call you on it.

Do be prepared for things to get nasty so do consider what you will do if they (and I include your husband in this) say nope you are doing it, because at that point you could be talking an end of your relationship with your husband too. This is not an easy path. Caring about someone is the important thing and you care about them and your marriage so you have to say I do not want to caregive - time for them to o into professional care.

Something tells me there might be a house that will be inheritance? if this is the case then they also need to be told inheritance is not a right so forget the inheritance.
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gizmodog1, this is way too much. So why are you continuing to do it?
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All of the things that a caretaker of an inlaw entails is overwhelming! Ive been caring for my MIL for 3 yrs now. Its been very difficult without help from my husband or his sibs. My husband finally was granted conservatorship and guardianship. He now takes care of her finances and I do everything else for her. Everything! She is getting mean, increasingly anxious and will not let me out of her sight. I have to put a chair in the hallway infront of the bathroom to take a shower! I have to sleep with her or get no sleep at all. The latest for the past few weeks is the daily pullup changesbecause she can no longer control her bowels. I know she cant help it but this is awy too much,
!!!
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Has her son gone into the doctor? Has he sat in a chair in that little room and heard the doctor explain that what WILL BE BEST for Mother is placement, and has he looked the doctor right in the eye, and said, "I don't care what you say, I'm not willing for her to be placed where she can get the best care." ?? If he is just getting these messages from you, then it is a lot easier for him to whine about "promises" and to continue in denial. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'm sure he is a very fine man and a dutiful son, but I'm afraid that he currently is using very poor judgement.

There are professionas on your side, but have they spoken with him directly? If not, arrange that!

Are there any "outsiders" he might listen to? A good friend, a golf buddy, a preacher ... any one he would see as objective?

As a last resort -- a VERY last resort -- perhaps you should talk about a legal separation until he is free to honor his marriage committments to you. You don't need a week away. You need the situation to fundamentally change. And, sorry to say, it doesn't sound like it is going to change without you forcing the issue.

My heart goes out to you, your husband, and his mother. All good people, caught in a very bad situation.
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Thank you jeannegibbs and your right. This is what makes it so difficults for me, yes in home care is need for sure but at this point all healthcare professionals including my MILs doctor things she needs placement. She's very unsanitary continues to fall and now getting combative with me. My husband is aware of all this....
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BS0213, I feel for you and for your husband. This is such a difficult spot to be in.

When my husband first developed dementia he was very vocal about never going into a "home." I never promised him that. I always said, "I will see that you always have the best care possible. I hope that can be at our home, forever." Now, years later, I have some in-home help. I still hope I can keep him here, but the promise I still make is "I will never abandon you. If you ever have to go somewhere else because the disease gets too hard to give you good care here, I will spend time with you there, and I will look out for you and advocate for you." He accepts this.

I think your husband made some promises to you too, in your wedding ceremony. He needs to think about how best to honor those promises, too. I am not being critical of him. My heart goes out to his denial of the state his mother is in. I hope that you can convince him that at the very least in-home care is needed, and that at some point placement might be best for all concerned.
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wow alot I can relate with here I have my MIL in my home and one sister helps with visits and dr. appointments. One is crazy all about her just came last Friday for the first time since last Oct. (she still upset because my husband took POA & she dont get her mom s checks no more) BUt acts like We did something bad to her and keeping her mom from her & stupid stuff. I will be honest if all you are asking for is a week break they should bow down to you for a week weesheart... I Hope You get it & relax your whole family.... It effects the whole family of the caregiver. The sad thing is ALOT of Siblings could care less as long as someone else is doing it.... I Lost my own mother almost 5 years ago only 59 years old to a 3 year battle with cancer & I CANT Imagine...Good Luck !
There is also ways to get home health care in the house like if your FIL has weakness and willing to take therapy or they have reason to come you can use a different company each time they want the medicare money so they will try to come. Unless you have MIL like mine that wont let them bath her and always dont feel good its just more trouble having them.
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Well, since he promised her then tell him it is his job to care for her because he is the one who made her that promise. He is using you to run a nursing home in your own home. Who's he married to anyway? Is he a mommy's boy or your husband? I think he needs to wake up and chose. He also needs to realize that as an adult he can change his mind about promises made in the past because circumstances change. Sorry to be so blunt and rough this morning, but that's how I feel about it. I wish you well and hope he wakes up soon.
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Believe me I want the best for her but the problem is my husband refuses to put her in a facility because he add a promise to her, but at this point my MIL doesn't even know of her surroundings or her own daughters! Just my husband and I because she sees me 247. But she's also doing yucky things, falling and now getting combative with me. That's why I don't know what to do anymore, it's like my husband refuses to see it.
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BS0213, it probably literally is too much for you to handle. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse. Very often it gets worse in ways that make it impossible for a single person to care for the person in a private home. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The dementia would progress whether she were your own mother, whether other family members pitched in, whether you had hired help -- it would progress no matter what. It doesn't sound like she is now competent to make legal decisions (but don't take my word for it!) so it may be too late for DPOA and medical proxy. But somebody has to take responsibility for acting in her best interests. And it sounds like that may soon be placement where she can get the care she needs from healthy, rested, trained professionals, who have backups for when they have their own health issues. Obviously you and your husband won't abandon her, and you will continue to visit and advocate and see that she is getting the best care. But it may no longer be feasible to provide it in your house. Again, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is the nature of the disease.

Please don't give up! You've done awesome selfless care so far. But it may be time to take care of your own health and find other ways to see that MIL gets the best care she can.
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I'm in a similar situation only much worse I have been caring for my MIL for a few years now. I had NO idea it was going to be so stressful and difficult but I also do not have support of the daughters whom live from 7 mins (one doesn't work and has grown children). The other lives 20 mins works but also has grown children. I do not get support from my husband, this is expected of me because I don't work, but I currently have health issues that are taking a toll. My MIL has vascular dementia and is getting progressively worse she can no longer read or write and barely knows who's who and what's what.continues to fall has accidents and now being combative. For years I've been trying to get my husband to get DPOA and medical but nothing and I can't do anything because she's not even my mother! I'm just the caregiver and I'm at a point that I'm ready to give up. To much for me to handle not to mention I'm neglecting MY family.
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virginiajnorto
Please get medical POA as soon as you can. I hope your mother's dementia is not so far gone that she is not competent to sign a POA. While you are doing this, I would also get the Durable POA because you are going to need it. Acutally, she will need for you to have it. Has the doctor spoken to your brother and SIL to explain medically what is going on. Sometimes we hear from a professional what we will not hear from a family member. Tell your SIL that if your mom stops taking her meds because of her and something bad happens then the SIL can be held liable, but I'd get the medical and durable POA first.
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While I'm not a therapist, but have been in therapy now for 8 years dealing with family stuff, I suggest that you find one to give you an objective 3rd person's input and trained support to deal with all of the chaos and family dynamics going on here so that you can stop throwing yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your children under the bus. I hope you can get the VA benefits for your inlaws. Do they draw social security? Would part of it be enough to pay for home help? Unless one is rich, no one with children has the means to pay for help at home with elderly in need of care. It sounds like the absolute last resort, which is not a nice one, would be to inquire to see if they qualify for medicaid and could go to a nursing home that takes medicaid? I commend you for being such a great daughter in law looking after them as if you were their daughter. It is sad when you have to help like your MIL who never had to deal with family business matters. My uncle has experiences this in reverse since his wife has dementia and she ran all of the family finances and business matters because his work as a tool and die worker for Ford meant he worked the late shift and was mainly home on the weekends.
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I want to commend you for all you do for your mil. You have done so much for her. I really feel for you. I live 76 miles away from my mother and do all I can for her, but I have to work full time. My sill is trying to stop my mothers meds for dementia/alzheimers. My mom is just now getting leveled out and able to function most days. Her neighbor is giving her meds everyday, my sill is telling her to stop all meds when she runs out. She takes Aricept and antidepressant every day. My sill is saying it cost too much money and she doesn't think it's helping, but I've seen an improvement the last 4. Mos. My brother never liked her taking any meds. I can' t understand why they don't understand if she gets off Aricept she will go down hill, sometimes I think they want to see her worsen. My sil has brainwashed my brother for so long.
I see your doing all you can do for your mil and family. I wish I could give you better advise. I feel I need to get POA for medical issues now since I'm the one that got her diagnosed for dementia and got her on the meds for her condition.
Keep me informed about everything.
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Yes I do have every bit of confidence in my husband. Yes it is taking a toll on our marriage and family life. Yes I am trying to shield my MIL. Yes you are 100% right, there are many emotions going through me right now at this point and I am carrying that extra load for everyone else. No my inlaws do not have any means as of now to contribute to paying someone to come in and help. We don't have it either. We are working with VA though to see if we can get the help but its taken several months already. Also, my inlaws live on their own, not with us.

My husbands take on this is he is 100% behind me and he is behind me to back out and let him and the others take on of these responsibilities with me helping instead of being the primary.

Here is the whole situation which has lead up to this point. A year ago my FIL ended up in the hospital. When he was released we had to get home health to come in for the medical aspect of it. Home health released him because he has recovered as much as they can possibly get him to recover about 4 months ago but dementia has been diagnosed along with heart problems. He could not and still can not drive and she hasn't driven in many years so since I'm a stay at home mom I took over errand duty. That shortly became more than just errand duty when all the other business parts were being asked of me by MIL to help with because she's never had to do any of these things in their marriage and she really has no idea how to take care of any of those things except for writing the checks to pay the bills every month. He took care of all of this.

Husband has been right there with me all this time and having my back when I couldn't make errands on a particular day but it would have to be after he got home from work. He has even taken some of his vacation and sick time off during this last year to take some of the errand running off of my hands when I couldn't get to it. In the beginning of all of this the other siblings made it known that they didn't have time, but they would help as much as they could. I can count on one hand how many times that 3 of them came in to help at some point until home health got started. After that they did not come in at all unless we had a family get together. At these family functions its all play no work. Fast forward a year, I have my family, my parents (partially) and his parents to take care of. I let him know that I need help from the others so he calls a family meeting (which I did not attend) with them and they all agreed to what days they can come in. At this meeting it was mentioned that I'm the one who doesn't work outside of the home. Husband defended me by making excuses such as what my days and duties consist of instead of simply putting it to them that it doesn't matter what I do, its not my responsibility. Here we are at week 3 after the meeting and I let them know that I would be taking next week off to spend spring break with my family so they needed to get with each other to see who was going to do what and instead of simply understanding that my whole family needs a break from "parent duty" we get grief over it.

My husband is almost 10 years younger than the youngest of his siblings. All of his siblings children are grown. We still have two younger children at home. One of the siblings lives just as close to his parents as we do (which is about 15 min. away), one lives about 3 states away (shes the only one that has made every effort she can from so far away) and the other two live 35-45 min. away (still a reasonable distance for them to come help at least one day a week). The main one giving us the grief is the one who lives 15 min. away. Haven't heard anything out of the other two. So here we are....and I've decided that if I'm going to get static over ONE WEEKS break then its definitely time for me to just turn over the whole responsibility to them all because they expect it of me, and because its definitely taking its toll on my family. I have put my kids and husband on the back burner to take care of my inlaws and I think its time to start putting them first. My inlaws appreciate all that I do and thats enough for me, but if I cannot get help from the others without all the hooplah then they can just carry the burden themselves for a change.
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If his step-siblings are not helping, then your husband has no other choice but to take the lead. It sounds like you don't have much confidence in him. I"m an only child and have step siblings to deal with who are not very helpful, but I assert myself and things get done. If my mother had given her husband POA, she would be dead by now. I can understand your not wanting POA or guardianship, but the situation will come when your MIL will need to have someone to do it. It's too bad that your FIL did not give POA to anyone when he was of a sound mind. Without someone having the Durable POA, they cannot legally sign for him on tax returns nor for her when that day comes. There is a special code one must get from the IRS to use ad the Durable POA or the Atty. in Fact in order to sign a tax return and to be able to discuss the return with them. They will ask for a copy of the POA. Also, my mother has long tern care insurance checks plus checks from property that I can only sign to deposit in our joint account which mom set up years ago because of my durable POA. In some medical situations the medical POA is needed also.
Part of me wants to say that you are playing the hero who wants to shield your MIL from the truth. You are not responsible for her feelings. She's got to deal with that herself. You can't live her emotional life for her or it will tear you up. She's an adult and you are to. What you need to say to her is the kind of discussions that adults have. I think as long as you use the right tone of voice that she will very much understand. I think you need to be honest with her. I also don't think the siblings are going to help which means you might have to hire some people to come in to pick up what you are no longer going to do. Do your inlaws have any means by which such help can be paid for which is only fair since they live with you.
Also, I'm curious as to what your husband's take on all of this is? How's your marriage doing in the midst of all this? I may well be wrong, but It seems that you are doing a lot of feeling, thinking and deciding for other people who need to be free to think, feel and make their own decisions and handle the consequences without someone trying to control the entire outcome. Do you have as little confidence in your husband as his step siblings do? I hope not.
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At this point no POA has been established. The mother is of sound mind but has depended on the father to do most of the important business aspect of their lives. Now that he is incapable of taking care of their business needs, that is where the toughest of all of the responsibility has fallen on me to help her with. Also neither are able to drive so I have to do most of the errands and help with some of the chores around the house.

I am on their checking account because its just easier for me to deal with that aspect for things that need to be taken care of at the bank, etc. I am listed on most of everything in the form of HIPPA release forms so that I don't have to keep getting permission to talk to insurance co. and the like. I have no intention of ever accepting the responsibility with POA, executor or anything else that may fall into that category. Although through the years she has came to me and told me "When I'm gone I want you to make sure that ________ gets taken care of this way". I had to tell her at one point that I was grateful that she has that much faith and trust in me, but that was something that she needs to sit down and discuss what her wishes are to her kids. They have a will made out but I really don't know if all of the kids except for my husband and I know what it states.

As a matter of fact, the business part of the responsibility is mostly what I want to back away from at this point and just leave me to the errand running. The thing is that all of the siblings want my husband to take on the primary responsibility of all of this stuff, but they all don't think he is incapable of taking care of his own business so go figure that one out (whole different ball game there). Let me mention that he is the baby and he is the only child the two of them have together and the siblings are his half siblings. Because of the reasons stated above I would prefer that he not be the one to take on that responsibility either. Its not that he can't do it, its just that they all dont think he can (kind of one of those things where they want to set him up to fail instead of being encouragers) and will end up causing more problems in the long run.

Thank you for your encouragement. I have a heavy burden on my shoulders because on one hand if I just back out without and explanation it will just reinforce that she feels like shes a burden to me, but I can't tell her the truth about why I'm really backing down (because of her kids) because I refuse to put that burden on her. Then on the third hand I can't lie and I honestly think she deserves to hear my position of backing down straight from me and not my husband. I owe her that much.
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First, let me say kudos to you for being the adult among children and putting the needs and feelings of your in-laws ahead of selfishness. However, this does not mean that you should be taken advantage of.
Do your in-laws have enough income to hire in-home help? If so, schedule paid caregivers to come in 2 times a week or so. Or, if you are interested, draw up a contract to have your in-laws pay YOU to do this work (that should get the siblings attention.) My Mom's caregivers do personal care (bathing, etc.) and shopping (the cost is $12-18/hr - a bargain in my book!). This little bit of help really gives me a break. If the other children complain about their diminishing inheritance, tell them that they can "substitute" for the paid caregiver whenever they'd like.
Continue to visit and do things for your in-laws...but only as your time and schedule permit. You are getting your in-laws too dependent on you. This happens as seniors age. They find the person who will is dependable - then work him or her to death. It does not make for a healthy relationship.
How dare your husband's siblings foist off their responsibilities on you? Also, the hub needs to make it clear to them that you are not "free" labor. If HE doesn't tell them, they will not listen to you.
It is smart for you to take a big step back. Let your in-laws know that it is not personal - that you need some time for your own life. If they try the guilt trip on you (ie "we're such a burden"), hand them the telephone numbers of their other children.
Caregivers are those who take on the responsibility...it is rarely equitable. It's like an adult version of the game "tag" - those who get tagged are "it." No one will volunteer to help. They are playing on the sympathy you show for their parents. And as for your comment that you are not "working" - taking care of one's family and caregiving seniors is ten of the toughest jobs one will ever do.

PS: do not agree to take your hub's parents into your home unless you are prepared to take on ALL of the responsibility. If you hub or his sibs have not stepped up by now, they never will. btw, who has their POAs?
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