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In September my mother who is 88 years old had a severe stroke . After a acute rehab stay I took her home for 3 months. It was the hardest and longest 3 months of my life. After a long hard decision I placed in a long term facility. She has adjusted very slowly and made some friends . She lovesall the CNA'S and nursing staff. Thank god !!! She has her good times along with her bad times. She gets very sad and angry when I have to leave after dinner. I visit her every day. I have not missed a day since she has been there. I was just wondering how other people deal with their parents anger and how it makes you feel so guilty for the decision that you have made.

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Thank you very much!!! Tomorrow is the big day!!! :)
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Great idea! A very happy birthday to your mom.
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Hello again ... We are actually having a birthday party for her! Her birthday is on Monday! The facility that she is in will make anything they want for them on their birthday. A special dinner with a ice cream cake and we will all be together. I actually bought her a special hat to wear, some balloons and party plates and napkins and some new comfy pj's. I'm really excited for her. All her friends will be there also!!! Thanks !!!
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Bring some parties to Mom - I bet your daughter would not mind a second party and your Mom won't mind a serving of cake and ice cream. They usually have a little room up front for special visits or meals. We did that a bunch with my Mom.
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Mcnb, I think you're adjusting really well after making a decision that was at least as hard on you as it was on your mother. Actually it turned out not to be hard for her at all, didn't it? - she's settling nicely, she likes the people she's with and she's being looked after well. She's all right! - but what about you?

What made me smile (a little cynically, I admit) was the bit about your needing to stay for meals because you worry that she might not eat properly. This is called "pulling a fast one." I'll bet she eats just fine when you're not watching… :)

Well done, I think you're doing brilliantly. Hope she continues to thrive.
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Yes she has what they are calling stroke related dementia. It is so saf that they have to live the last years of their lives this way. My daughters birthday party was today and it just broke my heart that she wasn't able to be part of it . I know she is safe and being well taken care of, so that helps alot! Good luck with your mom kazza.
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mcnb you dont state if she has dementia? but yes you are so lucky she is happy there! mum went into respite twice and refuses to go hated everyone and everybody? I will have to make this choice soon and im dreading it but i have to keep telling myself its for her own health and safety but i can imagine how hard it is even the first time i put her in respite i cried all the way home thinking "is this really happening?" yep its the toughest thing we have to do! So glad shes adjusting there!
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Thank you all so much for your help!! It has been 7 months now that my mom has been in the nursing home. I still visit every day for dinner except a few days this summer when I went away for a couple of long weekend. She is settling in nicely now and seems much less anxious . She has a group of residents and their family members who she seems very comfortable with. We have all become friends and look out for each others loved one when they can't be there for them. All in all it is not as bad that I had anticipated. They also have found the right doses of meds to calm her anxieties which is huge. Starting to feel more and more comfortable with my decision. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Be well everyone and Thank You All!!!!
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It's good to hear that she is coping very well in the NH environment, it seldom happens. But knowing that the nursing home is the best place for her because she receives proper treatment and attention, it would not hurt to lessen some of those guilt feelings. You are very lucky to find a long-term care facility that is very pleasant, not to mention the staff who are all very amazing in doing their tasks.

Managing long-term care recipients who suffers from dementia is no easy task, but you have done yours perfectly. Just reassure her that you will visit her often, and avoid arguing with her. Infolongtermcare.org provides long-term care tips in managing people with dementia and one of it is to let them seek an independent lifestyle in the best possible manner, also, it would be of great help if you regularly communicate with her as this will encourage her to think and maintain her independence. So let her enjoy the environment in the NH as she can mingle and socialize with other residents there.
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Thank you for your suggestions. The staff is amazing and always eager to help when I leave. They constantly reassure her that I will return to see her again soon. I like to stay for dinner with her because she doesn't always want to eat . I have to feed her to get her to eat a half of sandwich. She has no problem eating ice cream and cookies, she gobbles them right up!! I'm planning on going away for two days and a little nervous on how she will do without seeing me for that time.
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BTW, you might visit with some of the staff your mother likes and see how Mom is after you leave. Does she get over her angry promptly? Do they think it might be better if you visited a little less frequently?
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Coping with most elements of dementia is tough! It is unlikely that she is going to change -- or at least not change in ways you would like, so learning to cope with your own feelings is about your only option.

It sounds like you made a very tough decision and made it well. Remind yourself of that before and after every visit. Remind yourself that her dementia is Not Your Fault (and not hers, of course) and the fact that she needs to be in a care center is Not Your Fault. Remind yourself that you gave it your best shot for three months.

I'm not sure that you can change the situation substantially but maybe you can lessen her opportunity to express her anger. What if you were with her right up until dinner and as soon as she was served you said "Enjoy your dinner, Mom. I have to leave now, I'll see you tomorrow." ? And then you stood up and left.

When my sisters and I visit Mom (dementia, 93) in the nursing home we try to leave her engaged in something. We leave when she goes to the beauty shop, or they come to take her for bingo, or they bring her to the dining room. We know she enjoys our visits but we want her to relate to the NH environment, too. She sometimes asks "Why?" when I say I am leaving, and I tell her what I am going to do next, "Just like you used to do when you had family at home." We are all very fortunate that she doesn't get mad.

When my stepdaughter visits her mother (dementia 87) in the NH her mother sometimes does get angry when she leaves. SD doesn't like this but she does an excellent job of resisting the guilt. She works in an assisted living facility and sees this everyday, and knows that it is not the visitor's fault.

It is not logical to feel guilty, but feeling seldom obey logic. Push that feeling way to the background and move forward with your life in spite of it. You are doing the right things. Remind yourself of that often.
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