Coping techniques, Dad has dementia, failing health, Mom being irresponsible. Any advice?

One of 8, You should probably seek Guardianship for both of them. Once you are granted guardian of the person and the estate, you can stop the flow of funds to charity. Remind her that if she or Dad need a nursing home, all those gifts will count against them. Medicaid will impose a penalty for every dollar given away in the previous 5 years. We did have to get the court order for much the same reason.

Thank you for that good kick in the butt. I am in charge of finances, in that if she waits 6 months past due date on her taxes, im paying the late fee and dealing with paying the bills. Which in itself is becoming problematic. I see where she gives $600 a month to her church and addtional to other charities and when i try to discuss it with her she gets angry. One day she plays the "im old, help me card, then the next she tells me she can make her own decions. She has never been one to respect boundaries and it is one of the major sources of conflict. She feels because i run my farm that i should be her social circle, refuses to make friends and now is resenting moving here. I am trying to be patient and look at it from her point of view but after reading your comments and typing this i feel i am going to have to set boundaries to keep my sanity. I do not enjoy beating my head against the same wall and we are at a stage where i feel she is taking advantage. If i treated her like she was really old, waited on her hand and foot, deferred to her everywhim she would be happy but she insists (and is capable) of independant living as long as it doesnt get to hard or she really has to work at it. I feel caught between what she needs, what she wants, what she can really do and how to balance out the needs of my father. Sorry i guess this jas turned into a grip session and i need to put my big girl britches on and decide what i can support and what i cant and let the chips fall where they may.

I would not make the assu,potion that mom asked him to come pick them up, especially when you tell us that a whole group is coming to get together at Thanksgiving.

Go see your mom and dad this morning and tell them they need to postpone their trip until after the holidays. It's highly likely that brother talked them into the trip with easy manipulation.

Get hold of mom's checkbook and, if she does go on the trip, make sure she leaves her check books at home.

Make a decision that you are NOT going to cart them to their doctor appointments for weeks after their trip. If they can afford to treat everybody out to eat, travel, give monetary gifts, they can afford cab fare. I'm not kidding either.

You have GOT to change. If you don't, you will allow your parents AND you to be manipulated by anyone in the family looking for a handout. And! If mom or dad should need nursing home care paid for by Medicaid, any and all gifts and reckless unaccounted for spending will drastically effect their ability to receive help.

Mom trusts you enough to put you in charge of their finances...and thus their well-being. Don't disappoint her.