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My parents moved 2 years ago about 1mile from me so I can be of more help. Dad has dementia, can't drive and has failing health. Mom took him back to their former state of residence to visit other children, 4 times last year, retuned and was sick for months afterwards, and spent thousands of dollars taking my grown brothers and sisters out to eat. She finally made the decision not to travel because of dads health. I manage their money because she cannot (paying excessive late fees, she does not Remy to pay). Yesterday I got a text from my brother that he is driving down and picking mom & dad up and taking them to Indiana, mom had called and asked him to do so. She is going against her own decisions, doctors advice and family members recommendations not to travel or stay longer than a week. Not to mention the whole famy was driving 9 hours to see them over Thanksgiving and this brother has no problem accepting large amounts of money as "gift". I'm so frustrated, this is same pattern and they will return and I will need to cart them to three doctors appt a week for months.

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I would not make the assu,potion that mom asked him to come pick them up, especially when you tell us that a whole group is coming to get together at Thanksgiving.

Go see your mom and dad this morning and tell them they need to postpone their trip until after the holidays. It's highly likely that brother talked them into the trip with easy manipulation.

Get hold of mom's checkbook and, if she does go on the trip, make sure she leaves her check books at home.

Make a decision that you are NOT going to cart them to their doctor appointments for weeks after their trip. If they can afford to treat everybody out to eat, travel, give monetary gifts, they can afford cab fare. I'm not kidding either.

You have GOT to change. If you don't, you will allow your parents AND you to be manipulated by anyone in the family looking for a handout. And! If mom or dad should need nursing home care paid for by Medicaid, any and all gifts and reckless unaccounted for spending will drastically effect their ability to receive help.

Mom trusts you enough to put you in charge of their finances...and thus their well-being. Don't disappoint her.
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Thank you for that good kick in the butt. I am in charge of finances, in that if she waits 6 months past due date on her taxes, im paying the late fee and dealing with paying the bills. Which in itself is becoming problematic. I see where she gives $600 a month to her church and addtional to other charities and when i try to discuss it with her she gets angry. One day she plays the "im old, help me card, then the next she tells me she can make her own decions. She has never been one to respect boundaries and it is one of the major sources of conflict. She feels because i run my farm that i should be her social circle, refuses to make friends and now is resenting moving here. I am trying to be patient and look at it from her point of view but after reading your comments and typing this i feel i am going to have to set boundaries to keep my sanity. I do not enjoy beating my head against the same wall and we are at a stage where i feel she is taking advantage. If i treated her like she was really old, waited on her hand and foot, deferred to her everywhim she would be happy but she insists (and is capable) of independant living as long as it doesnt get to hard or she really has to work at it. I feel caught between what she needs, what she wants, what she can really do and how to balance out the needs of my father. Sorry i guess this jas turned into a grip session and i need to put my big girl britches on and decide what i can support and what i cant and let the chips fall where they may.
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One of 8, You should probably seek Guardianship for both of them. Once you are granted guardian of the person and the estate, you can stop the flow of funds to charity. Remind her that if she or Dad need a nursing home, all those gifts will count against them. Medicaid will impose a penalty for every dollar given away in the previous 5 years. We did have to get the court order for much the same reason.
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If you are in charge of finances, does that mean you have POA? I have to agree with others that this trip is unnecessary, but if she goes you keep her credit cards and checks while she is gone. She sounds like she may have a bit of dementia with her decision making skills. If she doesn't drive either why are they not living in Independent Living where transportation is provided for errands etc. for a fee? If not let Uber take them where they need to go. I realized months ago that when I take dad to appts. that I decide when he goes and space them out to fit my schedule unless it's an emergency. Because he has dementia, he can't go alone, but I set boundaries in when I can do it. I'm not a full time taxi service.
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"Mom, you can't have it both ways. Make a choice here; either I'm in charge of your money or you are, not both. Yes, you are old, and you done em to be understanding the implications of giving money away, whether to charity or to your kids. It's going to mean NO MONEY from Medicaid when it's needed for dad's care. You need to make a choice here".

" mom, if dad is sick from taking that trip, then you need to take him to the doctor in a cab. Have the doctor call me during the appointment so I can participate. No, I can't take you, I have to run the farm".

I'd also get mom worked up for cognitive impairment and/or dementia.
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"If they have that much $ that they can give it away, then they should start giving it to local taxi drivers." YEP. A common frustration on this forum. My mom wants everyone to think she's just scraping by on her monthly SS. Truth is, she owns 3 properties free and clear (2 are income-producing), has $300K in her IRA and no personal debt. Gives $1000s per year to her church, EWTN and various charities. (The spend-down police will have a field day with her, should the time ever come.) Yet mom has been flushing her toilet with a bucket since April because she "can't afford a plumber." Good grief. Which brings me to another commenter's point about tempering and re-phrasing our "should" statements to our elders. Excellent advice. I know that when my motor starts revving, I easily forget that the delivery of my message is just as important as the message itself. Thank you for that much-needed reminder. Case in point: Looking back, I know I didn't give mom my 2¢ about the toilet as sensitively as I could have. And right or wrong, I also set a boundary. I refuse to use the bathroom when I'm at her house. When I have to "go," I wrap up my visit. (When I was a little bit younger or a lot younger, if anyone told me that this is my future, I would have laughed them out if the room. Now here I am. Just like so many of you. God bless us all.)
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I agree with the others. My dad passed.away almost 15 years before my mom did. My advantage was being an only child. Mom and I were close enough that I could talk to her reasonably and lovingly. So, taking over her finances and credit card payments when she was in ALF was not a problem. She had no concept of money! The part of your situation that I can really relate to is trying to manipulate me and depend on me for many things that were covered in the ALF. So, to reinforce what others have said, setting boundaries and tough love were what saved my sanity and, surprisingly, allowed mom and me to enjoy our time together more. Just let her know that you have a life and responsibilities of your own and can't do everything she wants when she wants. Emphasize that you are doing the finances because of love and concern for her, and set whatever boundaries you need,,,and stick to them! You will both benefit from the tough love. Love and prayers to you. I understand.
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Who are you afraid of upsetting?Brother or Mother?certainly not you.If she is giving money away and then your having to take her to appts. what gives. If she has that much money then why is she applying for help?? That goes for your dad. It effects him? Sorry to say. You need Help and NOW. Check with SS aids and assistance and GET HELP- .Don't be left out. Cause it looks like your brother could be trying to come in the back door for your folks and their money.
just saying-GET HELP.
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Cak, dementia does not discrimate against the young. I have a friend that lost her son to Lewy Body dementia earlier this year. He was 24, diagnosed at 18. Now this same friend has a daughter diagnosed with Lewy Body at 26. There is a woman in Texas, I think, in her 30's I think, just had a baby in the last year, earlier this year diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
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I suggest taking charge of the money and the checkbook also. There are so many scammers taking advantage of people like your mom, she can loose everything!!!
Make sure all the checks are still in numerical order in the book. One can be taken from the center and you will never know it. You can report financial elder abuse to the KEEP-SAFE coalition. Their number is (310) 701-8118. (Stands for Keep Every Elder Protection, Stop Abuse and Exploitation. Letty will put you in touch with the right people. Good luck.
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