Coping techniques, Dad has dementia, failing health, Mom being irresponsible. Any advice?

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My parents moved 2 years ago about 1mile from me so I can be of more help. Dad has dementia, can't drive and has failing health. Mom took him back to their former state of residence to visit other children, 4 times last year, retuned and was sick for months afterwards, and spent thousands of dollars taking my grown brothers and sisters out to eat. She finally made the decision not to travel because of dads health. I manage their money because she cannot (paying excessive late fees, she does not Remy to pay). Yesterday I got a text from my brother that he is driving down and picking mom & dad up and taking them to Indiana, mom had called and asked him to do so. She is going against her own decisions, doctors advice and family members recommendations not to travel or stay longer than a week. Not to mention the whole famy was driving 9 hours to see them over Thanksgiving and this brother has no problem accepting large amounts of money as "gift". I'm so frustrated, this is same pattern and they will return and I will need to cart them to three doctors appt a week for months.

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Do you really think you can take care of mom, too? No way...you'll burn out.
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Sounds to me like you're looking for sympathy, and you certainly deserve it. It must be frustrating to watch your siblings take active control over your parents, knowing there will be consequences for you when it's all over. That said, perhaps you can minimize the fallout by stating your objections now, preferably in writing (emails are great for that), so that you can make your point after the fact, as well. And I agree with Joysissy - if there is disposable income, your parents should be looking at hiring a paid helper. Also, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "let the chips fall where they may." Sometimes, it's all about guilt.
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To Gladimhere - we're all human and we're all susceptible. This is in regards to Lewy Body Dementia and Alzheimer's. Same with Falling Down; it just doesn't happen to older people and they get messed up, younger people fall and get messed up too.
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Hey, I think you are all a little hard on her here. I agree with the posts but even a POA doesn't give anyone the right over someone and their money. Its there as a tool. My suggestion is to talk to the brother and explain the situation. A trip this close to Holiday that everyone plans on coming for, will not be good for your father. My Mom gets overwhelmed if too many people are around so taking him from a trip right into people visiting may be too much. You may want to mention that your Moms spending could interfer with either them getting help with Medicaid.
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I intend to move to another state as I have two senior complexes interested in me - let's say if one is not to my liking, I can always move to the other. Or the two could switch site managers. I get really good vibes from one of them where other one goes strictly by the book at the place where she is located. I had to send some papers off to her stating proof that I have some issues and that a disability oriented complex would be good for me.
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"If they have that much $ that they can give it away, then they should start giving it to local taxi drivers." YEP. A common frustration on this forum. My mom wants everyone to think she's just scraping by on her monthly SS. Truth is, she owns 3 properties free and clear (2 are income-producing), has $300K in her IRA and no personal debt. Gives $1000s per year to her church, EWTN and various charities. (The spend-down police will have a field day with her, should the time ever come.) Yet mom has been flushing her toilet with a bucket since April because she "can't afford a plumber." Good grief. Which brings me to another commenter's point about tempering and re-phrasing our "should" statements to our elders. Excellent advice. I know that when my motor starts revving, I easily forget that the delivery of my message is just as important as the message itself. Thank you for that much-needed reminder. Case in point: Looking back, I know I didn't give mom my 2¢ about the toilet as sensitively as I could have. And right or wrong, I also set a boundary. I refuse to use the bathroom when I'm at her house. When I have to "go," I wrap up my visit. (When I was a little bit younger or a lot younger, if anyone told me that this is my future, I would have laughed them out if the room. Now here I am. Just like so many of you. God bless us all.)
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I suggest taking charge of the money and the checkbook also. There are so many scammers taking advantage of people like your mom, she can loose everything!!!
Make sure all the checks are still in numerical order in the book. One can be taken from the center and you will never know it. You can report financial elder abuse to the KEEP-SAFE coalition. Their number is (310) 701-8118. (Stands for Keep Every Elder Protection, Stop Abuse and Exploitation. Letty will put you in touch with the right people. Good luck.
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Elders can whip themselves into emotional frenzies, and can imagine all sorts of things. They can work one family member against the others, in their fear.
Be aware of this, too.
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That is to say, the above post is pertinent, IF you believe, have information, indicating this brother might try to take total control and dump them in a facility.
OTherwise, family socialization could be a good thing--it just needs to be at their home-area, not taking them out-of-state...traveling can very often upset what's left of mental balance and info processing abilities, in those already fragile.
You have some big decisions to make.
Please get help from Elder-law, APS, etc., as might be needed.
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I would NOT wait until after telling Brother that I was getting a restraining or protective order to prevent taking the parents out-of-State!
Just get the Restraining Order, and quick--before the Holidays...which means you are almost out-of-time.

YOU are the one who is trying to keep their affairs in a rational order. In essence, you are the parent , now that they cannot care properly for themselves.
You wouldn't give your child access to all your money...right?
Neither should you allow parents who cannot take care of their affairs, access to their funds. That's why you were asked to take care of that.
And, it might make one or both of them angry; it might make your sibs very angry.
But bottom line, this is about appropriate care/handling for your parents.
IT's your sib's parents, too...if they don't care how the money disappears, they also then don't care about how your parents are taken care of...as long as it doesn't cot them anything, and they might get something.

Do all of you realize, States can, and do, pursue repayment of State Aid given their Elder? If it "misused funds" are connected to any family members, such that Mom and Dad no longer have money to take care of their needs, then those who received the money, are complicit in defrauding the State.

Though you currently control some or all of their finances, by brother [or anyone else] moving them to other State, then taking her by the hand to new lawyer, he can execute a new POA for everything, taking total control. He might possibly think that if he takes the money out of another State, and then dumps them in a facility using welfare funds to pay for it in another, think again...States might be slow, but they still hunt down repayment...believe me...saw CA hunt down a so-called 'derelict dad" over 45 years AFTER he'd been unable to pay child support; CA attached his SSI check, took the whole thing for many months, and tried to come after taking his current spouse's SSI as well....it was bizarre, and rather illegal, but the State had finally found their mark, and taken action--however illegal it might have been. Worse, that couple were State Aid recipients in WA, so, CA was expecting WA to support the couple entirely, while CA took both SSI checks [which were very small, anyway].
Further, State might come after ALL the kids, including you, not just the one who took control. Each of you would then have to lay your finances bare, to prove you had nothing to do with the loss of funds, to try to prevent State from attaching each of your incomes to repay State.
By attaching your income or forcing sale of your business, they'd force you into being a State Aid recipient--States don't want to do that.
Just be informed.

IF relatives take out loans in the elder's name [like Credit Cards, mortgages, anything], by leading her by the hand...that borrowed money is "Income" per the IRS; unless it's repaid, it's taxable income from their estates.
Quite a Chess Game.

Only you can discern what your Brother is likely to try to do.
Only you can take protective measures, NOW. Not later...later's too late.

Be VERY concerned about the spending of Assets related to getting State Aid/DSHS. Her spending money foolishly, can block State from giving needed Aid, until enough time passes State feels those funds would have been normally spent-down.

You can also report to APS.
Let them know of the fragile health of Dad, the long illnesses for both parents after the last prolonged trip, and potential scamming by relatives to get their money.

Good luck! Hope it works out OK in the end. Sounds like your folks need full-on POA locked-in. Please take whatever steps you think necessary, to help protect your folks, and their interests.
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